"Rabbit Season"

by DJ Clawson

First draft - 8/22/10
Second draft - 10/17/10
Final draft - 10/24/10

Edited by Rygar

SCENE 1 - KADAF WARNER'S APARTMENT, GENUS, 4:30 A.M.

	KADAF WARNER is asleep, his head buried in his pillow. On the bed 
stand, beside a heavy leather-bound book and an hourglass, is a comm-
phone, which rings and lights up with red flashing lights that 
illuminate the room. He groans and buries his head deeper into the 
pillow, but it doesn't stop ringing.

KADAF
Fakachta phone ...
(struggles to turn it on)
What? And do you know what time it is?

VOICE
Sorry, sir. And it's four thirty-three.

	Kadaf squints and picks up his alarm clock, trying to focus on 
the numbers.

KADAF
So it is.

VOICE
(hesitantly)
This *is* the way you wanted me to contact you?

KADAF
Yes. But not when -- forget it. What the fuck is it? Specifically, of 
all the things it's your job to bother me about, what is the fucking 
thing that made you think this call was a good idea?

VOICE
There's a situation in the hospital.

	Kadaf sighs and falls back down, still holding the comm. 

KADAF
Fine. Give me ... however much time I need for my head to stop 
pounding. 

VOICE
Of course, sir.

	The caller hangs up. Kadaf does get up, groaning with every 
movement, washes his hands in the sink, and lights a cigarette. Now his 
eyes have adjusted to the darkness, and he can see the clock without 
trouble.

KADAF
Four thirty in the fucking morning! And I'm not even supposed to be in 
today!

SCENE 2 - WATERSHIP MEDICAL CENTER, GENUS, 5:12 A.M.

	The hospital is still partially in nightshift mode, about to 
transition to the day shift over the next hour, and bleary-eyed nurses 
and doctors are emerging to begin their rounds. Kadaf, walking with his 
black cane, watches them in the elevator, coming and going, as he 
slowly descends. He leans on his black cane, no one seeming to notice 
him. The last surgeon in scrubs gets off before the final stop -- the 
basement. The morgue.
	Kadaf pulls another nicotine patch package out of his pocket and 
sticks the patch between the feathers on his arm. There's too much 
oxygen in the hospital to smoke. He can now stand straight, but he 
still walks with the cane. 
	The morgue orderly doesn't see Kadaf at all as he joins MORPHEUS, 
who is standing in front of a covered table. Morpheus is a twisted 
creature of indeterminate race, but was perhaps cat-like at one point, 
as one of his ears is rather feline and there is fur between his scars. 
One eye is bigger than the other and moves around constantly, while the 
other stays still. Morpheus bows to him, revealing a sizable hump, and 
Kadaf just grumbles in acknowledgment and removes the sheet. It's the 
dead body of a wolf, probably not Genusian considering his large size.

MORPHEUS
Gregory Falstaff.

	Kadaf opens his book. The words are indecipherable to anyone but 
him.

KADAF
He's dead as a doornail. So?

MORPHEUS 
We don't, um, know where he is.

KADAF
And how is that my fault?

	Morpheus shrivels back. Kadaf grimaces.

KADAF
Mornings. I mean, where is he?

MORPHEUS
If he's wandering around, it's not in the hospital. He died in the ER 
ten minutes before I called you -- brain hemorrhage. He was still 
breathing when they brought him in. We're positive.

KADAF
And you have an army searching for him.

MORPHEUS
Yes, as we speak.

KADAF
Then find him.
(closes the book)
Anything else?

MORPHEUS
While you're here ...

	Kadaf rolls his eyes but motions for Morpheus to continue -- 
quickly.

MORPHEUS
I think there's a rebellion brewing in the Underworld.

KADAF
So? That's considered news?

MORPHEUS
A more serious one than yesterday.

KADAF
And you're telling me because?

MORPHEUS
Because you may, at some point, have to handle it. If all the other 
defenses fail, of course.

	Kadaf pauses.

KADAF
Arts and crafts.

MORPHEUS
What, sir?

KADAF
Arts and crafts. Bingo. The afterlife needs more activities. Giving 
people something to do -- I should put someone in charge of that. If 
you think of anyone, let me know.

	Kadaf puts the sheet over the wolf's body, and he and Morpheus 
return to the elevator. When they reach the first floor, a stretcher is 
wheeled across the floor by EMTs.

KADAF
Catch that one. In about ... seven minutes.

MORPHEUS
Yes, sir.

	Morpheus bows.

KADAF
And stop bowing to me.

MORPHEUS
Yes, sir.

	Morpheus stops himself from bowing again and leaves to follow the 
stretcher. Kadaf walks out of the hospital through the emergency doors. 
The sun is up.

KADAF
Hell of a way to start the day.

SCENE 3 - CONGREGATION BETH SHALOM SYNAGOGUE, GENUS, 6:00 A.M.

	The little chapel is filling up with men for morning services. 
It's a very casual atmosphere. Kadaf puts another nicotine patch on his 
arm and takes out his prayer shawl. CHAIRMAN FRITZ WARNER is sitting in 
the second row, already wearing his shawl and reading an electronic 
newspaper. FIRST MATE JONATHAN WEISSMAN of The Screaming Mimi is in the 
third row.
	Kadaf puts his cane down and sits down on the pew next to Fritz.

KADAF
Reading an article on yourself again?

FRITZ
It's that or the Cornerian stock market's gains. Besides, it's 
research.

KADAF
For what? You don't have to run for reelection. You just have to wait 
for the next guy to get assassinated.

FRITZ
Hey, show some respect for the dead. 

KADAF
It was his time.

FRITZ
It's always everyone's time for you. 
(looks at his watch)
G-ddamn business service, never starts on time. Speaking of scheduling, 
I don't need you this morning.

KADAF
Wow. You really know how to make a guy seem appreciated.

FRITZ
(looks up from paper) 
I mean, there's a Nharnian delegation visiting the General Assembly, 
and I'll be in related meetings all morning.

KADAF
Oh, that's what that's about.

FRITZ
That's what what's about?

KADAF
(nonchalantly)
I'm sure you'll find out.

	Fritz glares at Kadaf.

KADAF
I'm sure everything will work out fine.

	Fritz learns over his shoulder to look at Jonathan. 

FRITZ
He likes you. And he has less of a reason to be mad at you all the 
time. Tell Daffy to tell me why he's unusually informed about something 
I just told him about.

JONATHAN
He's not going to tell you anyway. Besides, if you were on his list, 
he'd be a nervous wreck. So you're not, and you can relax. And 
concentrate on your self-centered obsession with yourself.

FRITZ
You could be on it.

JONATHAN 
You can't think about these kinds of things.

KADAF
He's right. You can't. But if you're sure you don't need me to protect 
you from all of those scary Nharnians, I will take the morning off. I 
have a life, you know.

FRITZ
And you have physical therapy at noon.

KADAF
Say it to the world, why don't you!?

FRITZ
I'm just saying because I might not be available to go with you. 
Jonathan?

KADAF 
You can't order him around.

FRITZ
Um, Chairman of the Security Council? It's sort of my job. Besides, if 
I let The Screaming Mimi out of my sight, they'll go on another one of 
those illegal smuggling missions they think I don't know about.

JONATHAN
Hey!

FRITZ
Are you going to deny it, or just deny that you had anything to do with 
it?

JONATHAN
(shrinks back in his seat)
No comment.

KADAF
He had nothing to do with it.

FRITZ
How do you know about it?

KADAF
I have my sources. My non-death-related sources. I do work in security 
on occasion. Though it seems I'm not needed.

FRITZ
I didn't say that.

KADAF
In so many words.

	From the reader's table, RABBI GARFIELD KATZ, Jonathan's adoptive 
father, shushes them.

FRITZ
(whispers)
I didn't mean it.

	Fritz steps up to the reader's table.

FRITZ
Baruch atah Hashem, Elokeinu melech ha-olam ...

	The others rise to follow the chant. Services have begun.

SCENE 4 - WRENCHES'S BAR, BANZAAR, 7:00 A.M.

	It's seven in the morning, which means the bar is closed, at 
least briefly. WRENCHES the orangutan is wiping down the bar. He 
reaches down to get more cleaner, and when he stands up, Kadaf is 
sitting at the bar, smoking.

WRENCHES
Woah! Scared me there, boss.

KADAF
I do that.

WRENCHES
You want something to drink?

KADAF
Whiskey sour.

WRENCHES 
You know I have to get your stuff in special. From regens.

KADAF
And you know that you owe me. 

	Wrenches is visibly afraid of Kadaf but tries to hide it as he 
goes for the special cabinet filled with liquors from beyond the 
aniverse.

WRENCHES
What can I do for you?

KADAF
Ever heard of a guy named Gregory Falstaff? Big wolf.

WRENCHES
No.

	Wrenches puts an ashtray out, and Kadaf makes use of it.

KADAF
I knew that was a long shot. What's up?

WRENCHES
Lotta mammals in here eatin' flies. Under the table but they're doing 
it. And they drink a lot of swampgrass for mammals.

KADAF
Skin grafts?

WRENCHES
Or something. Disgusting, isn't it? Makes my skin crawl. It's those 
kinda guys who took out Dogstar, right? Chairman Warner worried at all?

KADAF
He'll manage.

	Some drunken canards wander in to the bar.

KADAF
It's fine. They can't see me.

	Wrenches shrugs and goes for the cabinet where the chilled stuff 
is kept. When he turns around, Kadaf is gone.

SCENE 5 - UAC HEADQUARTERS, GENUS, 7:30 A.M.

	Kadaf is doing his morning security checks, which include looking 
not only for bombs but also for wiretaps. He's running a specialized 
metal detector over the mural on the entrance to the secured offices 
when CAPTAIN MIMI LAFLEUR walks up behind him.

MIMI
Can't you have an underling do that?

KADAF
My underlings are doing other things. 

	Kadaf doesn't stop to look at Mimi, his attention instead on his 
work.

KADAF
What did he do this time? And why are you coming to me about it? Your 
first mate is a much better sounding board.

MIMI
I heard you have the highest security clearance on Genus.

KADAF
It would be appropriate to my job. Which you are interrupting.

	Kadaf finally puts down the wand and turns to face her, leaning 
on his cane.

KADAF
I don't give a shit about illegal smuggling or whatever it is you're 
wasting your time with, but I won't help you.

MIMI
I want file access, and you're the only person I know who can get it on 
anyone.

KADAF
Why, do you want to read your own psych evaluation? It's kind of 
interesting, actually. But you don't have the clearance. What you do 
have is a lot of complexes.

MIMI
(beat)
I could say things about you that would be downright mean if I wanted 
to, but I really do need your help.

	Kadaf only raises his eyebrows.

MIMI
I want the files on Senator Nuras.

	Kadaf's expression terms grim.

KADAF
They're not interesting.

MIMI
Because you've read them, or because you know him?

KADAF
The key difference between us, Miss LaFleur, is that if he did to you 
what he did to me, you wouldn't survive. 

	Kadaf turns to leave, but Mimi follows him.

MIMI
Nuras is planning something. He's got to be. He wouldn't have stuffed 
Fritz back into his old position otherwise. So he's planning something, 
and I want to know what it is.

KADAF
Why?

MIMI
Because Dogstar is dead, and Bucky can't handle anything outside of his 
own crew, and he can barely do that. And your hands are shaking.

	Kadaf can't decide whether it's out of fear or rage, but there's 
no reason to deny it.

KADAF
It has nothing to do with you. Or the Security Council. Or Genus or the 
toads or any things that might possibly concern you. Just stay away 
from him. 

	Kadaf notices Mimi still following him, which is not hard, 
considering his limp.

KADAF
You're not going to, are you?

MIMI
No.

	Kadaf sighs and takes out a cigarette, but he doesn't light it.

KADAF
He's trying to kill Fritz.

MIMI
(surprised)
WHAT?

KADAF
And keep your voice down. That's his whole business. He wants to goad 
Fritz into a fight so he can kill him. Fritz isn't a very good fighter 
if it doesn't involve speeches and legislation.

MIMI
(shocked)
... And? What are you doing about it?

KADAF
Nothing. 

MIMI
Some bodyguard you are.

KADAF
It's simpler than that. But if I tell you why, you can never, *ever* 
tell Fritz, even in a moment of passion, you shiksa whore.

MIMI
Fritz told me what that word means.

KADAF
Whore? I thought you'd be familiar with it.

	Mimi is trying to keep her focus. She's used to smack talk from 
Kadaf, but he seems uncannily disinterested in her plight.

MIMI
We're over. Me and Fritz. So no, I won't tell him. 

KADAF 
Swear. On whatever false idol you worship. Or hell, swear on your 
death. 

MIMI
Fine, I swear on my death I will not tell Fritz why you're doing jack 
to protect him from Nuras, who -- for reasons I still don't understand 
-- wants to kill him. So? Why aren't you?

KADAF
Because I know Fritz will win.

MIMI
How?

KADAF
You ask too many questions. And you're not always going to get the 
answers. 

	Kadaf steps into the elevator, clearly not beckoning Mimi to 
follow.

KADAF
One last thing -- do you know a Gregory Falstaff?

MIMI
Who?

KADAF
Worth a try.

	The elevators close in Mimi's face. Inside, Kadaf lights up a 
cigarette, not with a lighter, but with a blue flame that emerges from 
his hand and then immediately snuffs itself out.

SCENE 6 - UAC HEADQUARTERS, GENUS, 8:00 A.M.

	Kadaf sits before dozens of high-quality monitors that are, with 
the aid of a security robot they're hooked to, mostly monitoring 
themselves. The computer screen in the middle gives a constant readout 
of the comings and goings of everyone in the building by facial 
recognition software. There are other seats, but Kadaf has dismissed 
the other officers so that he can smoke in peace. His attention isn't 
on the monitors at all, but the holy paper-bound text on his lap. 

VOICE
Kadaffi Solomon Warner! Rise and be alert!

	Kadaf nearly drops his book but catches it in time.

KADAF
Don't make me drop a Torah book!

	The voice is that of QUINTIS ALDIN, the humanoid form of the 
previous Death, now a ghostly temporal figure, transparent and white.

QUINTIS
Kadaffi Solomon Warner, you must find George Falstaff.

KADAF
Gregory.

QUINTIS
Yes, him. You must find him before his soul is lost forever between 
worlds. This is your task.

KADAF
I prefer delegation. Maybe to the reaper who lost him in the first 
place.

QUINTIS
Some things require a personal touch. 

	Kadaf snorts but does generally sit up and look pleased to see 
his teacher.

QUINTIS
Good morning, by the way.

KADAF
It's still morning? Man, it's just going to be one of those days. 

QUINTIS
You look well. 

KADAF
New pain medication.

QUINTIS
And surprisingly calm.

KADAF
New antidepressants. I think there's a tranquilizer in there.

QUINTIS
I suppose I should tell you not to be so careless about what's in the 
book, but that really is to your discretion at this stage.

KADAF
I didn't tell her what was in the book.

QUINTIS
Peeking for your friends?

KADAF
Like you never did it.

QUINTIS
(smiles)
Guilty as charged. 

KADAF
So can you tell me why a whole bunch of Nharnians are going to die 
today?

QUINTIS
Not from the book, no. I have other sources.

KADAF
Of course you do.

QUINTIS
But as you know, Fritz will be fine.

KADAF
And so will Suran.

	Kadaf snorts and tries not to look bothered.

QUINTIS
What you may discover -- or, what I'm telling you now -- is that you 
will find him more useful as a friend than an enemy.

KADAF
Tell that to my spine.

QUINTIS
He would have killed you if he could have.

KADAF
Wow, that's great to know.

QUINTIS
It would have benefited him greatly. Frith's greatest ally is always 
Death. But he couldn't. 

KADAF
Then why didn't he?

QUINTIS 
I just told you. Twice.

	Kadaf ponders this.

KADAF
Suran's probably the only one strong enough to kill Fritz. Or maybe 
Thoras still could. That's probably what this Nharnian thing is about. 
And Fritz is the only person strong enough to kill Suran.
(beat)
But neither of them can kill me?

QUINTIS
This is the way it always has been, and always will be. If either kills 
the other, chaos or order, the universe -- and its aniverse -- will 
collapse. But death will remain. It is the only surety in this 
universe.

KADAF
And taxes.

QUINTIS
(amused, if slightly)
And taxes. 
(beat)
Perhaps you should think of this the next time you have the 
conversation with him you've been so desperately trying to avoid. 

KADAF
I have nothing to say to him.

QUINTIS
That might not always be true.

KADAF
Look, I'm tired. Any more vague wisdom to hand out today?

	Quintis smiles. He's far more tolerant of Kadaf's demeanor than 
other people.

QUINTIS
We all have to forgive sometime.
(beat)
Also, find Gregory Falstaff. The consequences otherwise could be dire 
indeed.
(begins to fade out)
And no delegating to reapers!

	Kadaf rolls his eyes as Quintis fades out entirely. 
	
SCENE 7 - WEST SQUARE, UAC HEADQUARTERS, GENUS, 10:00 A.M.

	On the other side of the Security Council building, away from the 
main square, is another set of steps leading to a stone square flanked 
by well-landscaped trees. It's not quite as popular as the front steps 
for coming and going, or press shots, and the damage from the invasion 
of Genus hasn't been cleaned up quite as well. There are streak marks 
all over the stones, several of which are smashed into the ground, 
making an uneven surface. It's quieter, and it's a place to take a 
break from a long day of smoking inside to go outside and have a smoke.
	Kadaf sits down on the steps, ignoring the flurry of people 
nearby, audibly making noise in the other square. Bureaucrats who don't 
want to be hassled and low-level workers go up and down the steps, 
mostly going out of their way to avoid Kadaf's eye contact, as if he's 
trying to make any. It's a bright, sunny day, and he's wearing very 
dark sunglasses and listening in one ear to music pumped in through an 
earbud and the babbling press in the other. 
	There's an impromptu conference on the front steps only forty 
feet away from Kadaf. VICE CHAIRMAN SANZER GRIFF is handling it, 
because Fritz is still in his office, preparing to meet the Nharnian 
delegation on his own turf. Griff doesn't need much security; no one's 
ever bothered to try to assassinate him. Kadaf thinks that's kind of 
sad, considering how hard the little wolf works.
	One REPORTER, little more than a glorified gossip columnist, 
dares to leave the mob and approach Kadaf. He presses one finger to the 
side of his head to press the earbud closer into his ear canal, 
indicating he has no intention of listening to her. He recognizes her, 
but a name doesn't come. She must be new. She doesn't have a 
microphone, but her press pass is for a paper with a good daily jumble. 
He gave up on crosswords years ago.

REPORTER
Mr. Warner, I just a have a few ...

	Kadaf turns the music up so it's audible to the reporter, even if 
she won't acknowledge it. She gathers the will to try again. Kadaf is 
notorious for shrugging off reporters, but he hasn't left yet, and 
until he does, she's just going to keep trying. His antidepressants 
must really be working, because he doesn't bolt. He doesn't like her 
anyway.

REPORTER
What music are you listening to?

	The question catches Kadaf off-guard, but he doesn't show it. He 
decides to reward the reporter points for creativity. She's a fox, 
after all, so he doesn't give her *that* many points.

KADAF
Grateful Dead. "Truckin'."

REPORTER
Is that a regen band?

KADAF
I just like them.

	Kadaf doesn't add that he liked them a lot more when he was high 
on cocaine. It seems like a lifetime ago.

REPORTER
Does the Chairman's office have a statement about Orwell Station?

KADAF
That's something you should ask the Chairman's press secretary. And if 
you have me confused with her, you are a terrible reporter.
(beat)
You can print that.

REPORTER
(flustered)
You are part of the Chairman's office.

KADAF
You should know better than to try to get statements out of me that are 
supposed to come out of the mouths of professionals.

	Kadaf decides not to say "bullshitters" because that might get 
printed, and the press secretary hates him enough as it is.

REPORTER
What about the *security* breach at the Aldebaran embassy?

KADAF
Wow, you are just awful at this. That's a question for the security at 
the embassy.

REPORTER
You're the one who knows everything. 

KADAF
Is that what your boss told you?

REPORTER
He didn't have to.

KADAF
Point for you, then. Because I do know everything ...
(squints to look at the reporter's press pass)
... Linda.

LINDA
How does Chairman Warner take his coffee?

KADAF
No comment.

LINDA
I tried.

KADAF
You could ask him. He would probably give you the correct answer. 

LINDA
Can you get me an interview?

KADAF
Not if you're going to talk about coffee.

	Behind Linda, there is a great deal of noise.

KADAF
(without looking up)
It's the Nharnian delegation arriving.

LINDA
To discuss what, exactly?

KADAF
Ask your boss.

LINDA
Shouldn't you be doing your job?

KADAF
Who says I'm not doing it now?

	Linda looks exasperated. Kadaf has enough nicotine in him to be 
calm enough to feel bad for her.

KADAF
I'll tell you what -- you get me something I actually don't know, and 
I'll get you an interview with His Eminence, the Chairman.

LINDA
Really?

KADAF
(annoyed)
Yes, really.

LINDA
Anything!

KADAF
A wolf died this morning in Watership General. His name was Gregory 
Falstaff. Get me information on him.

LINDA
You mean dirt?

KADAF
Not necessarily. Just find some files and send them to the security 
office. If they're good enough, you can pester Fritz with all kinds of 
beverage-related questions. 

LINDA
You have a deal.

	Everything about Kadaf's posture says he doesn't want to shake on 
it. Linda scurries off, and the noise from the delegation kicks up. 
Kadaf stands and stretches, then pulls out the book.

KADAF
First Nharnian death in ten minutes. Time for a coffee. 

SCENE 8 - KITCHENS, UAC HEADQUARTERS, GENUS, 10:15 A.M.

	The kitchen is cramped, and a surprising number of the appliances 
are broken. Rabbi Katz, who's in charge of keeping everything kosher, 
is washing lettuce for lunch in the sink and checking for bugs while 
doing it. Kadaf looks angrily at the state of the instant coffee 
machine and shakes it when nothing comes out.

KATZ
The decaf is working.

KADAF
I don't want decaf.

KATZ
It would be better for you.

KADAF
Why's everyone giving me advice today?

KATZ
Decaf is better for everyone.

	There are loud sounds from the corridor. Kadaf ignores them and 
retrieves a new can of instant coffee from the freezer.

KADAF
Why do I have to do this myself? 

KATZ
I think your security team is busy.
	
KADAF
Most of them have the day off.

KATZ
Why?

KADAF
Because they would just get killed.

	The hum of lightsabers -- multiple ones -- is very audible. 
Someone growls and shouts something that doesn't come through 
translators, followed by a tremendous amount of glass crashing. The 
security alarms start going off, a cacophony of truly annoying sounds. 
No one rushes through the door, so Kadaf and Katz continue what they're 
doing until they hear a tap on the window.
	Fritz is dangling from a rafter, holding onto it with one paw and 
tapping on the glass with his lightsaber with the other. His secretary, 
CLAIRE SHEFFIELD, is hanging on his back for dear life. Kadaf uses his 
cane to hit the button to open the automated window.

FRITZ
I hate you so much.

	Fritz climbs in carefully, so the terrified Claire can manage to 
get to her feet with Katz's help.

FRITZ
You fucker, you knew the whole time!

KADAF
I knew a bunch of Nharnians were going to die.

FRITZ
You could have told me!

KADAF
The hint was there. Which was more than you should have gotten. And 
that's all I know.

FRITZ
Thoras ordered them to pose as a delegation -- Christ, why did I call 
you off? I had to jump out my own window! Do something!

	A security officer appears at the door, and Kadaf nods for him to 
usher Claire to safety. Fritz doesn't go with her. He loosens his tie, 
but Kadaf mainly pays attention to the sounds of coffee brewing.

FRITZ
I called you off because I didn't want your presence to scare off the 
delegation. Now I want it to.

KADAF
That's cheating.

FRITZ
(exasperated)
When have you ever called it that?

	Katz decides to intervene. He's still at the sink.

KATZ
I should point out that technically, there is someone who dislikes 
Thoras Ignatius as much as you both do.

FRITZ
I don't hate him.

KATZ
I didn't use the word "hate." And I should also point out that he's on 
Genus for the General Assembly meeting you were supposed to address 
this afternoon, but probably won't on account of what will be 
interpreted as Nharnia's invasion of Genus if you don't control this 
soon.

KADAF
(referring to Nuras)
*Him* I hate. A word I will use freely with all its connotations. Hey, 
did you know Mimi was asking about him?

FRITZ
(panicked)
Mimi!

KADAF
Relax. I'm sure Nharnians don't read gossip columns. They train and 
meditate for the wars of Frith that never come. And taking advantage of 
a female -- that's not very knightly, is it?

KATZ
The world you're looking for is "chivalric."

KADAF
How did you get so fucking smart?

KATZ
Um, Rabbinical school?

KADAF
You said you spent most of it debating if you could fry an egg on the 
sidewalk on the Sabbath.

KATZ
True, and the answer is you can, as long as you don't use a frying pan. 
You have to use a surface that doesn't cook things faster than the egg.

FRITZ
We don't have time for this!

KADAF
Maybe you don't, but we always have time for the Torah.

KATZ
He's right. They're only going to kill people until they find you, and 
you don't want that. You're going to have to face Thoras's forces, 
however misguided they may be.

FRITZ
I am *not* asking Nuras for help.

KADAF
We all have to forgive sometime.

	Fritz pauses, stunned.

FRITZ
Where did that come from?

KADAF
Quintis. This morning. For a dead guy, he's very savvy about current 
events.

	Fritz takes a minute to consider this. 

FRITZ
Fine. If you're not going to help me ... any port in a storm. 

	Fritz removes his jacket and throws it at Kadaf, powers up his 
lightsaber, and runs out the door. Kadaf removes the expensive and torn 
jacket from his head.

KADAF
Was I wrong not to help him?

KATZ
He wasn't asking for your help as a friend, because he knows this is 
his battle. He was asking for your help as Death.

KADAF
That was my guess, too.

KATZ
And you did help him. You told him where to find help.

	Kadaf pours himself some coffee, finally.

KADAF
Thanks for the reassurance. Hey, do you know Gregory Falstaff?

KATZ
Who?

KADAF 
Worth a try.

SCENE 9 - UAC HEADQUARTERS, GENUS, 10:45 A.M.

	The Security Council building's corridors aren't exactly vast, 
but they are big enough for people rushing from one place or another to 
keep out of each other's way. Kadaf watches some Nharnians in robes 
galloping past, and they avoid him as much as they can. He doesn't 
engage them. He just keeps walking until he gets to his control room, 
where he adjusts the lockdown settings and turns the alarm down to a 
reasonable decibel that he can deal with, since it's going to stay on 
for a while.
	In practically the same hallway he saw her before, Kadaf runs 
into Mimi. If he recalls correctly, her ship was the only one in the 
fleet on planet -- for the moment. That might change depending on how 
long this fight goes on. She looks a little surprised to see him 
finishing his coffee casually in the hallway, while she has her maser 
pistol drawn and powered up.

MIMI
Where's Fritz?

KADAF
Fighting Nharnians. Trying not to kill them, probably, but they won't 
stop until he's dead or they're dead. And he's not going to die. So, do 
the math.

	Kadaf thinks about it. Maybe Garfield was right, and Nuras 
showing up would be absolutely wonderful.

MIMI
You could at least act concerned!

KADAF
Hey, I already got this from Fritz, so ...

	Kadaf tosses his empty cup in the bin next to the water cooler, 
which has been sliced in half.

KADAF
Don't get involved. You might get killed.

MIMI
But you already know if that's going to happen or not.

KADAF
I'd hoped you had figured that out already. Yes, I know when you're 
going to die. I don't know when you're going to get badly injured. 

MIMI
If I don't help Fritz ...

KADAF
He'll be *fine*. On the other hand, if something happens to *you* ...

MIMI
I told you. We're broken up.

KADAF
That doesn't mean he wants something bad to happen to you because of 
your stupid fucking heroics. 

	Above Kadaf and Mimi, the ceiling breaks, and a Nharnian lion 
drops through the new hole and lands slightly to the side of them, 
unconscious.

MIMI
Tell me what's going on.

	Realizing it will keep Mimi from getting in trouble, and not sure 
why he's doing it, Kadaf sighs.

KADAF
You remember Thoras Ignatius?

MIMI
The human.

KADAF
He's very similar to a human. His race is extinct, but they used to 
populate the aniverse. Or at least Genus. Anyway, Fritz is his protégé, 
and they had a falling out over him being a dick. Thoras is the King of 
Nharnia, so he's called up his troops to kill Fritz off. Or vaguely 
annoy him. They're definitely not capable of killing Fritz, but they 
don't know that. They have succeeded in annoying him.

MIMI
Wait, I thought Thoras was dead.

KADAF
(shrugs)
That doesn't slow some people down.

MIMI
... OK. And you're just ... not involved?

KADAF
I'm the Angel of Death, LaFleur. No one fucks with me, or I fuck with 
them. And I'm always better at it.

	A Nharnian runs by. Kadaf raises his cane in front of Mimi to 
stop her from engaging the lion, who is growling. The lion looks at 
Kadaf carefully for the first time, and Kadaf just glares at him. The 
brave knight then decides to try to break the aniversian hundred-meter 
dash record as he sprints in the opposite direction.

MIMI
You're serious.

KADAF
That guy seemed to think I was pretty serious.

MIMI
You really know when I'm going to die? But I bet you're not going to 
tell me.

KADAF
I'll give you a hint: It's not in the next ten minutes.

MIMI
Wow, thanks. So, why is Nuras trying to kill him?

KADAF
Fritz? Because Suran is the Lopinenean bad guy, and Frith is the good 
guy. That's just how the story works. 

MIMI
But what does Suran ...

KADAF
Rearrange the letters in his name.

	It does dawn on Mimi, but slowly. Kadaf is debating whether to be 
impressed when she speaks again.

MIMI
This is all too damn weird. How did Fritz even get involved in this?

KADAF
He was chosen. It's a thing you're born with. Either you're going to be 
the next Frith, or you're not. He didn't have a choice. Trust me, he 
doesn't want it. He wants to be a politician or statesman or whatever 
he calls himself and do some good, he wants to learn Torah, and he 
occasionally wants to indulge his bad side and sleep with people he 
knows he shouldn't marry. In other words, he's a normal guy. 

MIMI
And you?

KADAF
I met him at Juilliard. We were freshman roommates. But you knew that.

MIMI
No, why are you Death?

KADAF
He asked me to be. And he's my friend, so I said yes, because I'm an 
idiot.

MIMI
I'm still helping him. I can't stand here in lockdown and not help him. 
It's against everything I stand for.

KADAF
I can't let you.

MIMI
Why not?

KADAF
Because it's against everything I stand for, I guess. Also I generally 
don't like making Fritz miserable, which he will be if some Nharnian 
cuts your head off because Fritz and Thoras can't kiss and make up.

	Mimi scrutinizes Kadaf for a moment, then takes off in the 
direction of the nearest common.

KADAF
Shit. 

	Kadaf is not able to run as fast as Mimi with his limp, but he 
takes off after her.

SCENE 10 - UAC HEADQUARTERS, GENUS, 10:55 A.M.

	The vast entrance hall, slightly more impressive than the rest of 
the building, is deserted. With the building on security lockdown, 
bombproof steel panels are blocking all the doors and windows. The desk 
in the front has been overturned, and there's a small fire in a 
glass trash can. Kadaf finally catches up to Mimi, who pulls out a 
lightsaber.

KADAF
What the hell is that?

MIMI
A gift from Fritz.

	Mimi activates it. The blade is purple.

KADAF
(groans)
Please tell me you know how to use that. 

MIMI
I took fencing in high school.

KADAF
So use it like a rapier and don't cut my head off.

MIMI
You don't have to defend me just because my crew is trapped outside!
(checks her comm)
And you're blocking all the signals.

KADAF
It's called lockdown for a reason.

	Kadaf and Mimi look up to hear multiple lightsabers cutting 
through the ceiling, and five NHARNIANS fall, landing all around them. 
They're surrounded, and these Nharnians look especially furious and 
almost possessed.

NHARNIAN #1
Find the traitor!

NHARNIAN #2
We fear not death!

MIMI
I think they may be talking about you.

KADAF
Normally, I'd say it's a healthy attitude, but I'll give them a new 
reason to fear death.

	Kadaf sheds his trench coat and hits a button on his cane, which 
causes it to extend into a staff.

KADAF
Just keep your head down.

MIMI
What?

	The Nharnian lions power up their lightsabers, but Kadaf isn't 
intimidated and assumes a battle stance. The lions attack, but the 
metal in Kadaf's cane is able to deflect the lightsabers instead of 
being cut in half. It's also able to hit back -- in the face or the 
paws, knocking the lightsabers out of some of their grips.
	When the Nharnians counterattack, Kadaf leads them away from 
Mimi, leaping on the remains of the reception desk and fending them off 
as he moves faster than all five of them, knocking one out completely 
with the tip of the cane to his forehead. 
	Mimi wields her lightsaber and tries to join the fray, but she 
can only face one of the Nharnians at a time, and then just barely, 
even if they're put off by her fighting style, which is different than 
theirs. She's basically keeping the lion at bay while Kadaf does the 
serious damage with both ends of his cane. Eventually, he ducks and 
runs between two of them and knocks them both down, leaving just one. 
This lion is going after Mimi, but before he can swing, Kadaf hits him 
in the back of the head. He roars, stumbling, but finds his footing 
quickly.

KADAF
What's your name?

NHARNIAN #3
Lior.

KADAF
I thought so. Bad for you. Good for me.

	Kadaf raises his cane, and the end lights up in the form of a 
scythe blade, in lightsaber form. The Nharnian realizes he's fighting 
for his life and does nothing but parry, almost afraid to try to get a 
swipe in and open himself up. The knight is a very big lion in a heavy 
cloak, and Kadaf is a thin, fast-moving target.

KADAF
Time's up.

	Kadaf raises his light-scythe and cuts down the knight in a spray 
of blood, none of which seems to affect Kadaf very much. He wipes the 
blood off his beak, and the blade retracts into a normal-looking cane.

KADAF
Ow.

	Mimi is about to respond, but someone is cutting through the 
metal lockdown walls with a red lightsaber, and she and Kadaf turn 
their attention to that. A Nharnian knight appears, but it's actually a 
dead body shielding another person, who hurls him through. SENATOR 
NURAS steps through the hole, his suit torn and bloodied. 

NURAS
There's a frelling ton of Nharnians outside. 
(looks down)
Or there were. Did someone call me?
(looks at Kadaf and Mimi)
I thought you two hated each other.

	Mimi again tries to say something, but Kadaf interrupts her.

KADAF
He's at least partially omniscient. Let it go. 

NURAS
How is the back, Shlomo?

KADAF
How about me not killing you because you have to help Fritz?

NURAS
Now technically, I don't have to ...

	A Nharnian runs by, and Nuras cuts him down mercilessly with his 
lightsaber, not even completely looking in that direction.

NURAS
But I can.

	Nuras has a disturbing grin. It doesn't help that his hat is torn 
and his horns are partially visible.

MIMI
Just go. 

KADAF
Yeah, you're missing Nharnian kill time. 

	Nuras growls -- he's not really a kat anyway -- and takes off, 
presumably to help Fritz. Kadaf would like to find out, but he can't 
really keep standing. He slides onto the ground, his back propped up by 
the remains of the desk. 

KADAF
There's some painkillers in my jacket.

	Mimi retrieves the pills for Kadaf and tosses him the bottle. 
He's fiddling with the child-proof cap when others find and make their 
way through the new hole in security, led by Jonathan and GUNNER HARRY 
CALLAN.

HARRY
Captain! You're all right!

JONATHAN
Sorry we couldn't get in. Hell, even I couldn't get in.
(looks at Kadaf)
Are you OK?

	Kadaf mumbles something through a mouth full of pills, swallows, 
and then finally manages to nod.

HARRY
What's going on?

KADAF
You know, if you don't know at this point, you shouldn't bother finding 
out.

SCENE 11 - WATERSHIP MEDICAL CENTER, GENUS, 2:08 P.M.

	When Kadaf starts to come down from his high, he's no longer able 
to sleep through all of the hospital commotion. He curses when he opens 
his eyes to the bright lights above, but his voice sounds distorted to 
him. Eventually, he covers his eyes with his hand and makes out Fritz 
standing over him.

FRITZ
How are you feeling?

KADAF
I'm ... OK.

	When Kadaf can focus, he sees that Fritz is wearing the bloodied 
remains of his suit shirt. He's definitely seen better days, but he's 
not injured. 

KADAF
I'm your bodyguard. I should ask how you are.

FRITZ
I've had better days. And hey, it's only two o'clock! I can almost make 
that GA meeting.

	Kadaf wants to look around but knows better than to put any 
strain on his back.

KADAF
Where's Suran?

FRITZ
I think he's taking a late lunch. He's been pretty busy. 

KADAF
And the Nharnians?

	Fritz raises something that's beyond Kadaf periphery at first. 
It's a golden crown, and Fritz puts it on.

FRITZ
All hail the King.

KADAF
Just what your ego needs. Should I even ask how it happened?

FRITZ
You missed an awesome battle. Now that I have perspective, I can laugh 
about it. That, and they gave me a shot of Demerol when I came in here 
because they saw the blood and made assumptions, so that's helping me 
deal.
(beat, more serious)
Thank you for helping Mimi.

KADAF
You suck to be around when you're depressed, so ... 

	Kadaf lets himself trail off. There's a peaceful silence that he 
just wants to enjoy until his comm goes off, and Fritz pulls it out of 
his jacket for him.

FRITZ
Who is calling you with the name Sheila in your comm?

KADAF
Um, dead Sheila. Calling from the Underworld.

FRITZ
You gave your wife's ghost your private number?

KADAF
Only for emergencies.
(into the comm)
Hello?

SHEILA
(over the comm)
Morpheus asked me to call you. He said you would answer the phone if it 
was me.

KADAF
That's very true. Let me guess -- they've breached some gates 
somewhere.

SHEILA
The second set of your palace, yes. It's becoming a problem.

KADAF
Tell them they can't rebel because I threw out my back. Put it off 
until ... next week at the earliest. Also, no one gets out of the 
Underworld anyway.

SHEILA
Do you actually want me to say that?

KADAF
No ... I'll come down and deal with it eventually. Just hold them off.

	Kadaf closes the comm.

FRITZ
Could I have spoken to her?

KADAF
She's not Sheila. She's a ghost with the imprint of Sheila. It's not 
the same. 

FRITZ
But she does have your number.

KADAF
She's actually really good at organizing stuff in hell. Who knew?
(sits up, painfully)
I have to go. Undead rising. You don't want them to tear a hole in 
reality.

FRITZ
Could they really do that?

KADAF
I don't know. I'm just saying shit because I took like half a bottle of 
Percodan. 

	Kadaf motions through the window to the hallway, where Griff and 
Fritz's personnel are trying to get his attention.

KADAF
Your audience awaits.

FRITZ
Don't remind me.

SCENE 12 - CHAIRMAN WARNER'S OFFICE, 5:15 P.M.

	After a long, bloody battle that ended in a river of fire, Kadaf 
pops back into the aniverse and lands in the side room to Fritz's 
office. Kadaf knocks impatiently, and Fritz responds.

FRITZ
Come in.

	Kadaf enters, though it's impossible to see his feet or even his 
legs under the cloak of blackness that surrounds him. His massive claws 
reach almost down to where his knees should be, and his bone wings 
scratch the ceiling. His right hand glows with a cold blue flame.

FRITZ
Showoff. 

KADAF
Sorry. Forgot.

	Kadaf reverts back to his normal duck form, and his long scythe 
becomes a cane again as he sits down in one of the chairs. Fritz looks 
different, too -- he's changed his clothes, though he still smells of 
blood that's probably embedded in his fur, but he's back in a suit. The 
main difference is the bejeweled crown of Nharnia, which he's wearing 
as if it's an ordinary hat. Behind him, the third-story window has been 
patched up with cardboard and tape. It looks terrible.

KADAF
You're just going to wear that all the time?

FRITZ
Technically, I have to split it with Nuras. I get it Mondays, Tuesdays, 
and Wednesdays. He gets it the next three days and alternating Sundays. 
But the Nharnians will never listen to him anyway. So, how'd the 
revolution go?

KADAF
Everyone got thrown in the river. Same way it always goes.

FRITZ
How often does it happen?

KADAF
Way too often. 

	Fritz's comm beeps.

FRITZ
(into the comm)
What?

	An unfamiliar voice answers.

VOICE
(over comm)
Someone called looking for Mr. Warner. The other Mr. Warner.

FRITZ
(to Kadaf)
I sent Claire home for the day. This is a temp. 
(into comm)
Who? And about what?

VOICE
Her name is Linda from the Genusian Daily.

KADAF
Oh, shit, I forgot. You might have to give this chick an exclusive, if 
she has what I want.

FRITZ
Other people can get you cigarettes.

KADAF
For once, it's not that.

FRITZ
(into comm)
If she's there ... send her in, I guess.

	Fritz shrugs to Kadaf, who has no intention of getting up and 
greeting this girl himself somewhere other than where he's sitting 
down. A very nervous-looking Linda enters, carrying a manila envelope.

LINDA
Chairman Warner! I wasn't looking ...

FRITZ
We're off the record right now. You wanted to speak to Kadaf?

	Still a little starstruck, Linda gives Kadaf the folder.

LINDA
You didn't say you wanted dirt, but there was some dirt.

KADAF
He's not a native.

LINDA
No, he moved here for a contract job in finance about six months ago, 
and he brought his mother another month later so she could be treated 
at Watership. Very advanced cancer.

KADAF
That I do know. What else?

LINDA
He's clean, but his mother is in this weird cult from her home world. I 
found out what I could about it. It's all in the file. 

KADAF
(impressed)
Thanks. I'm going to be sad when you die of a brain aneurysm.

LINDA
(blinks)
What?

KADAF
Don't worry. It's not soon. 
(slowly stands up, to Fritz)
Tell her how you take your coffee.

FRITZ
What?

KADAF
Just do it.

	Kadaf leaves Linda to her well-deserved interview, then waits 
until he gets to the other side of the door to teleport away.

SCENE 13 - WATERSHIP MEDICAL CENTER, GENUS, 5:30 P.M.

	Kadaf sits in the waiting room on a very hard plastic chair, 
watching the news trying desperately to dissect the day's events with 
the little information provided in the press release. After a minor 
diplomatic incident, Chairman Warner and Senator Nuras had successfully 
negotiated for Nharnia to apply for full membership of the UAC. There 
was no mention of lightsaber battles, demons slaughtering people, or a 
Chairman jumping out of his own window, but this happened on Genus, and 
people took the violence for granted.
	A NURSE steps into the waiting room and addresses Kadaf.

NURSE
She'll see you now.

	Kadaf hadn't even seen her come. He follows the nurse to a room 
with only one bed and a lot of decorations, mostly pictures of Gregory 
Falstaff at various ages. In the bed is a decaying version of the widow 
MRS. FALSTAFF, his aged mother.

MRS. FALSTAFF
Are you the orderly?

KADAF
I've been called a lot of things, but not that.
(beat)
So I hear you're a Death cultist.

MRS. FALSTAFF
(in a very sweet voice)
That's an awfully odd way of putting it. Shame on you for not 
respecting other people's religions, young man.

KADAF
I don't feel very young today.

MRS. FALSTAFF
Are you dying?

KADAF
If I don't get some smoke in me soon, I'll wish I was, but I'm all out 
of patches and you've got an oxygen pump, so let's do this. You brought 
your son back from the dead.

MRS. FALSTAFF
Now why would you say an awful thing like that?

KADAF
Because you did it. You shouldn't have. Even your cult has rules about 
this sort of thing.

MRS. FALSTAFF
(quietly)
Can you blame me? A mother shouldn't bury her own son. 

	Because he can't stand any longer, Kadaf sits next to her bed.

MRS. FALSTAFF
He's all I have left. And I don't even have the strength to bury him. 

KADAF
He's a mindless zombie.

MRS. FALSTAFF
You have a filthy mouth! Do you talk to your mother with that mouth?

KADAF
First, that wasn't me being filthy. And yes, I did talk to my mother, 
of blessed memory, with that mouth.

MRS. FALSTAFF
How rude.

	Kadaf has had a long day, and thinking of his mother doesn't make 
it any better.

KADAF
Her yertzeit is coming up.

MRS. FALSTAFF
Her what?

KADAF
In my non-death-based religion, we say a prayer and light a candle on 
the anniversary of an immediate relative's death. Which, in my mother's 
case, is in two weeks. I hadn't even thought about it until now.

MRS. FALSTAFF
You're not a very good son.

KADAF
I tried to be. I really did. I had problems. I made everyone upset. I 
did go to her funeral, though. That was awkward.

MRS. FALSTAFF
Because you hated her?

KADAF
Are you fucking kidding me? I loved my mother. I didn't speak to her, 
but I loved her. And I went to the funeral and dealt with all of my 
siblings, none of whom really wanted to talk to me, except to try and 
get money from me. But I did it for her.

MRS. FALSTAFF
A good boy will do anything for his mother, and his mother will always 
forgive him.

KADAF
I don't know. I did burn our house down when I was a kid. I still don't 
really know why.

	Part of Kadaf can't believe he's saying these things, but the 
other part is too distanced by all of the death he's seen today and by 
the death he sees on a regular basis.

MRS. FALSTAFF
You're a pyromaniac?

KADAF
No, I was just really mad. Pyromaniacs enjoy it. It wasn't fun for me.

	Mrs. Falstaff, who can't see him all that well but is trying her 
best, readjusts her glasses.

MRS. FALSTAFF
I'm sure your mother forgave you. That's what mothers do.

KADAF
Even when they shouldn't.

MRS. FALSTAFF
Don't say that.

KADAF
They also raise people from the dead. Which they shouldn't do. My mom 
didn't do that, and I'm glad she didn't, because even if it had been a 
choice for her or something she knew how to do, it would have been the 
wrong thing to do. Resurrected people always come out wrong. Always.

	The door opens without a knock, and GREGORY FALSTAFF enters. It's 
not his body, but one made of clay and mud, disguised by clothing and a 
hoodie. He shambles, carrying food from the snack dispenser, which he 
drops on her tray without a word.

KADAF
You have to let him go. You let your husband go.

MRS. FALSTAFF
What would you know of that?

KADAF
I let my wife go.

	Kadaf inadvertently looks at his wedding band, which he's still 
wearing.

KADAF
I'm married to nicotine. 

MRS. FALSTAFF
And you lecture me about healthy relationships.

KADAF
You know what you have to do.

MRS. FALSTAFF
(pleading)
I can't. He's my son.

KADAF
He's dripping on your bedspread.

MRS. FALSTAFF
I accept him with all of his flaws.

KADAF
This isn't him. 
(softer)
Let him go.

	Kadaf puts his hand over Mrs. Falstaff's paw for emphasis.

MRS. FALSTAFF
(sadly)
I suppose you're right. That doesn't make it any easier.

KADAF
The right way isn't always the easy way.

	Mrs. Falstaff sighs and beckons the creature that is her son's 
soul in another body near her. She whispers in his ear in an ancient 
language. Kadaf finds that even though it doesn't make it through his 
translator and he's never heard it before, he can understand it 
perfectly anyway, but he still doesn't care enough to listen.
	Gregory Falstaff howls, making it even worse when he steps back 
to dissolve like a pile of mud in a rainstorm, gravity chipping away at 
him until he's nothing but clothes buried in wet dirt on the antiseptic 
hospital floor.

MRS. FALSTAFF
(after a moment)
At least this time, I was with him.

	Kadaf stands. 

MRS. FALSTAFF
I suppose I'll be seeing you again.

KADAF
Everyone does, sooner or later. I'm just that popular a guy.

	Kadaf goes to leave. He's got a hand on the door, pushing it 
halfway open, when Mrs. Falstaff speaks again.

MRS. FALSTAFF
What precious moments do I really have left to enjoy?

	Kadaf smiles.

KADAF
You'd be surprised.

THE END