WAR OF THE WARTS - Written by Christy Marx SCENE 1 - A toad slave ship and Double Bubbles fly into the "mouth" of the toad mothership, which closes after them.] Frix and Frax sit glued to a television set, which is playing a commercial showing a female toad (Veruca the supermodel) rubbing cream onto a male toad's face, whereupon he immediately breaks out in warts. VERUCA Mmm, I just can't get my hands off a face with a rugged mask of warts. And remember, Warts Galore is the only wart cream that guarantees to give you gorgeous new warts, or your money back. Frax grabs the TV and kisses it sloppily. FRAX Veruca, my darling! Marry me! FRIX Cut it out, Frax, you're slobberin' all over the screen! The Toad Air Marshal appears behind them suddenly. AIR MARSHAL Frix, Frax! He grabs them by the scruffs and lifts them up, then throws them down. AIR MARSHAL Your addiction to Toad TV is unhealthy! FRIX No, Air Marshal! FRAX Yes, Air Marshal! They get up and follow the Air Marshal down the hall and into the hangar bay, where the slave ship has landed and Stormtoads are forcing hares in chains from the hold at gunpoint. AIR MARSHAL Come along, it's time for my award ceremony. It isn't every day I conquer and enslave an entire planet, let alone the homeworld of my greatest enemy, Bucky O'Hare! SCENE 2 - The Righteous Indignation cruises through space. Bucky O'Hare is sitting in the captain's chair, Jenny in the pilot's seat. JENNY Bucky, I have a fix on that distress signal. BUCKY Good work, Jenny. What have we got? JENNY Sensors show the signal coming from inside a toad slave ship, and I detect six escort fighters. We are shown the vessels in question on a small screen: a single toad slave ship, accompanied by six Double Bubbles. BUCKY Just six? He activates an intercom. BUCKY Attention all hands, battle stations! Getting ready for some righteous toad tag with a swarm of toad fighters. Below decks, Deadeye Duck drops what he's doing and runs over to man the maser cannons on the nose of the ship. DEADEYE Them's magic words, Bucky me boy! It's been too long since old Deadeye Duck got to croak some toadies! BUCKY (over the intercom) Engineering, report. BLINKY Android First Class Blinky reporting, sir. Chief Engineer Bruce deeply involved in contemplation of photon accelerator. Bruce is eating bananas and tossing the peels carelessly over his shoulder. Blinky picks one up and sticks it in a small compartment in his chest. We see Bruce fiddling with the photo accelerator. BRUCE What a pile of junk! I don't like the sound of this photon accelerator, Captain. In fact, a part of this machine ain't even in the same space- time continuum with us. BUCKY Put it on a back burner, Bruce. BRUCE Okay, but I don't like it. BRUCE Jenny, you and Bruce form a boarding party. I want you to take over the slave ship. Deadeye and I will take care of the escorts. ALL Let's croak toads! Cut to the toad ships ahead. TOAD SQUADRON LEADER Squadron, listen up! Enemy ship in sector four and closing! Prepare to blast 'em into mammal mush! The Double Bubbles turn and fly towards the Righteous Indignation. BUCKY Hang on for evasive maneuvers! The Double Bubbles fire on the Righteous, but Bucky, at the controls, dodges. DEADEYE Eat hot ions, ya slimey fly-suckers! Deadeye hits one of the Double Bubbles in its wing and it goes spinning out of control. TOAD SQUADRON LEADER Regroup, follow me! The Righteous flies close to the slave ship, and one of the pursuing Double Bubbles shoots at them, misses, and hits the hull of the slave ship instead. TOAD SQUADRON LEADER Number five, stop firing! You'll damage the cargo! BUCKY Boarding party away! He presses a button, and a panel opens in the side of the Righteous and Jenny and Bruce emerge wearing space helmets and riding on the Toad Croaker. They fly towards the slave ship. Deadeye zaps two more Double Bubbles, which explode, their pilots ejecting in small egg-shaped pods. BUCKY Nice shootin' Deadeye! DEADEYE I could take out this lot with three arms tied behind me back! He kicks back in his seat and makes a mark with a piece of chalk on the wall next to him. The Righteous flies away from the slave ship with the remaining three Double Dubbles, including the squadron leader, in pursuit. TOAD SQUADRON LEADER You toads are fightin' like a bunch of tadpoles! Blast those mammals! Jenny and Bruce to get aboard the slave ship by using the Toad Croaker's blasters to blow a hole in the hull. They fly the Toad Croaker into the slave ship through this hole. Two Toad Techs are on the bridge of the toad slave ship. An alarm goes off, making them jump. One of them grabs a microphone and yells into it. TOAD TECH Intruders have broken into the shuttle bay! Security team to airlock three, on the double! In the hallway, five Stormtoads run up to the airlock door, armed with what appear to be flame-throwers (!). STORMTOAD 1 Imagine a couple of dumb furballs takin' us on! STORMTOAD 2 Wait'll they open up the airlock and see us waitin' for 'em! STORMTOAD 3 It'll be like catchin' flies in a bottle! Stormtoad 1 goes and bangs on the airlock door. STORMTOAD 1 Surrender in the name of the Toad Empire! Something bangs back on the other side, and the door falls inward and lands on top of Stormtoad 1. Bruce steps into the hallway. BRUCE Are you talkin' to me? STORMTOADS A Beetlegeusian Berserker Baboon! The Stormtoads freak out, and all try to run at once and smack into each other. At least one is knocked unconscious. STORMTOAD 3 Run away! Help! STORMTOAD 2 Yow! Baboon! STORMTOAD 4 Yikes, get outta my way! STORMTOAD 3 Baboon! Baboon! They tear off down the hallway. Bruce follows, giving the baboon warcry. BRUCE Gayooga! Gayooga! GAYOOOOOGA!!! Jenny enters through the airlock as Stormtoad 1, not wearing his helmet, pulls himself out from under the door. JENNY Bruce, wait! She sighs. JENNY Baboons. You can't do anything with them when they're berserk. She climbs a ladder to the upper level, where she is immediately confronted by a robot toad (identified in the script as a Guarddroid). GUARDDROID Halt! You are under arrest! Do not resist! JENNY Actually, I wasn't thinking so much of resisting as... dismantling. Her spell gems glow and she fires a blast of magical energy that hits and destroys the robot. It collapses into spare parts. Jenny then blasts open a door and enters the bridge. Two toads with maser pistols stand on either side of the doorway. TOAD 1 It's okay, she's only a cat. TOAD 2 We thought you was gonna be a Berserker Baboon. What a relief! JENNY I do believe I'm being insulted. [She punches the second toad in the mouth, then kicks the first one in the crotch. They fall down.] JENNY Hmmph. Toads. She goes and seats herself at the controls of the ship. Scene 5 - The three Double Bubbles are still chasing the Righteous Indignation and firing relentlessly at it. They remain behind the ship, clear of Deadeye's guns. DEADEYE Bucky! They've gotten wise! They're stayin' clear of me shootin' zone! BUCKY I know, our shields are taking a pounding! But we've got to lead them as far away from the slave ship as we can! SCENE 3 - A normal school in San Francisco, California. In fact, it's called the School of San Francisco. Willy DuWitt walks up to his locker and discovers the word "Nerd" has been spraypainted on it. WILLY Oh, great. DOUG Hey, Weird Willy! School bully Doug McKenna and his two friends come up with their skateboards. DOUG Do you like your new locker, Willy? WILLY Doug McKenna. I thought so. "Nerd" must've been the only word short enough for you to spell. DOUG Last warning, smart mouth. You never miss a single question in math or science. That makes it real hard for the rest of us to squeeze by. Doug and his buddies back Willy up against his locker. WILLY But I like math and science. It's easy. DOUG Listen, knucklehead. The big science test comin' up next week? You better get an F, or I'm gonna wipe your nose offa your face! Doug makes a fist threateningly. Willy winces and closes his eyes. When he opens them, the bullies are gone. SCENE 4 - Back to the space chase. BUCKY Deadeye, I can't shake 'em, prepare for a backward loop! Bucky flies the Righteous Indignation up, back, and over the pursuing Double Bubbles, righting the ship behind them. DEADEYE Eat masers, you wart-covered filth-suckers! He proceeds to destroy all three of the toad ships by shooting them from behind one at a time. The squadron leader, floating around in his escape pod, shakes his fist at Bucky. TOAD SQUADRON LEADER Filthy long-earred rodent! When the Air Marshal learns of this outrage- - Bucky cuts him off. BUCKY You can tell the Air Marshal that Captain Bucky O'Hare of the Righteous Indignation demands an immediate withdrawal of all toad military vessels from mammal space, or he'll face the fury of the United Animal Space Fleet! SCENE 5 - A Stormtoad messenger runs down a hall in the toad mothership and bursts into the Air Marshal's office where the Air Marshal is watching the commercial for Warts Galore. STORMTOAD Air Marshal, sir! Bucky O'Hare has freed our last slave ship, and destroyed six of our fighters! AIR MARSHAL Bucky O'Hare? Bucky O'Hare?! He walks over and smacks the Stormtoad across the room. AIR MARSHAL Every time I turn around that infernal hare has struck again! STORMTOAD But it gets worse, sir! The unmentionable mammal threatened us with a United Animal Space Fleet! AIR MARSHAL So, the stinking little hairballs have raised a fleet, have they? I'll crush them! Send out every fighter! Scour space until you find the Righteous Indignation! Bucky O'Hare must be destroyed! The Stormtoad cowers at the Air Marshal's fury. SCENE 6 - Back aboard the toad slave ship, Bucky and Jenny approach a set of double doors. JENNY Bucky, prepare yourself for the worst. This will be very hard for you. BUCKY Hard for me? She opens the doors and Bucky is immediately mobbed by a bunch of hares, who lift him up and throw him up and down while cheering. Finally, they set him down. BUCKY You're all hares! But-- But that means-- Horror grows on him. BUCKY No, it can't be! An elderly grey hare comes forward. OLD HARE Yes, the toads have conquered Warren, our homeworld. All the others were taken to be slaves in toad factories. We were the last. Bucky is furious. BUCKY They have gone too far! This is personal! No fly-sucking, slimey, croakin' piece of sludge is takin' over my planet! He turns to storm out, but a younger green hare stops him. YOUNG HARE Be true to your mission, and save the rest of the Aniverse! Go to the Council of Genus at once, warn them of the terrible danger! The other hares chime in. HARES To Genus! BUCKY To Genus. He and Jenny walk out as the hares cheer. SCENE 7 - Willy is eating dinner with his mother and father. We never see their faces (a la Nanny on Muppet Babies). MRS. DUWITT Don't you like the tofu burgers, Willy? Willy looks depressed, and hasn't touched his plate. WILLY I'm not very hungry. MR. DUWITT What's the matter, son? WILLY Dad, if you knew somebody was gonna beat you up for doing something you thought was really important, would you do it anyway? MR. DUWITT Son, there are some things worth doing no matter what the cost. MRS. DUWITT Like making sure that when you grow up, there're whales and owls and an ozone layer. She checks her wristwatch. MRS. DUWITT Oh, David, the rally! We've gotta run. She and Willy's father get up and leave. Willy sighs, still looking indecisive. SCENE 8 - The Righteous Indignation is accompanying the toad slave ship towards Genus. The planet is ringed by hundreds of globular satellites. JENNY Bucky, we are approaching Genus' defense system. On the bridge of the slave ship, we see that the hares now have control of the vessel. HARE Hey, let's move it, huh? I can't wait to get off this stinkin' slave ship! As the slave ship passes one of the satellites, it beeps and a telescoping maser cannon pops out of its side. All the satellites begin to fire on the toad ship, throwing the hares around inside. JENNY Bucky, I've got to transmit a clearance code to the Genus defense system. They don't know it's our hares aboard that toad ship. BUCKY They'll destroy it! Jenny, transmit that code! I'll run interferance! Bucky flies the Righteous close by the slave ship, without much effect apparently. JENNY Transmitting code. Orwell Station has cleared both ships for entry. The satellites cease firing. On Genus, several mammals sit at a U-shaped table in the middle of a large room. The secretary general hammers with his gavel. SECRETARY GENERAL This special session of the United Animal Security Council is now in session. I've just received word that Captain Bucky O'Hare-- Before he can say any more, Bucky throws open the chamber doors. BUCKY --Is here! Bucky enters with his crew and one of the hares from the slave ship. BUCKY Members of the Council, I asked for a fleet! You gave me one measely frigate! Now the toads have taken over my own homeworld! Genus could be next! Sacked! Destroyed! And everyone carted off to be slaves in toad factories, like my friends and countrymen, the hares! As he rants, the council members become angry and start talking all at once, making it difficult for Bucky to be heard. BUCKY Excuse me! DEADEYE This ruckus is gettin' on me nerves, Bucky me boy. Much to Bucky's horror, Deadeye draws his two maser pistols and fires over the heads of the council members, who all duck under the table. When he stops shooting, everyone peeks out and no one says a word. DEADEYE That's better. BUCKY Now listen up. I can't bluff the toads forever. And it's gonna take more than my ship, the Righteous Indignation, to stop them. You must commission more ships before it's too late. The secretary general gets up and comes over, putting his arm around Bucky and ushering him and his crew out the door. SECRETARY GENERAL My dear Bucky O'Hare, of course we'd love to give you more ships. But to justify the expense of more ships, we need documented evidence of the full toad atrocity. BUCKY You want evidence, you'll have it. SCENE 9 - The Air Marshal is hiding the fact he's watching Toad TV by pretending to read a star map instead. Onscreen is a commercial for something called Flam. TOAD Brought to you by Flam, the compressed fly loaf. Made only with Grade A jumbo flies. No gnats, no beetles, simply pure mashed up flies, delicately pulped into a thick, gooey, nutritious loaf. We watch as the toad uses a knife to cut through the fly loaf. Suddenly, a digital toad face appears on the screen and makes the Air Marshal jump. KOMPLEX Air Marshal! AIR MARSHAL At your service, Komplex. KOMPLEX Have you dealt with Bucky O'Hare yet? AIR MARSHAL Ooh, my ships search everywhere for him! I-I-I-I will find him, Komplex! KOMPLEX Do not fail me, Air Marshal. I will be watching you. The Air Marshal sweats nervously and Komplex's face vanishes from the screen. SCENE 10 - The Righteous Indignation leaves Genus and is immediately spotted by a Double Bubble.] TOAD SQUADRON LEADER Squadron leader to mothership. I have spotted the enemy. BUCKY Prepare for hyperspace jump! I'm goin' home. The Righteous jumps into hyperspace. Aboard the toad mothership somewhere else, the Air Marshal is in his office, yelling into a microphone. AIR MARSHAL All ships in Sector Eight, attack! Numerous Double Bubbles also jump into hyperspace to pursue the Righteous, which comes out of hyperspace, um, somewhere. Nowhere near Warren, apparently. JENNY Bucky, my sensors are going crazy. The pursuing Double Bubbles come out of hyperspace right behind them. TOAD SQUADRON LEADER Attack! JENNY There must be fifty toads on our tails! The toads open fire all at once, but the Righteous' shield bubble deflects their plasma cannons. JENNY Rear shields about to fail! Bucky gets on the intercom again. BUCKY All hands, prepare for hyperspace jump! Down below, Bruce yells back into a microphone. BRUCE Captain! All this shakin' ain't done this photon accelerator no good! Indeed, the photon accelerator is seen emitting lots of blue sparks. BRUCE I gotta fix it first! BUCKY Fix it fast! One of the pursuing toads (possibly the squadron leader) locks in on the Righteous and fires, puncturing the shield bubble and hitting the engines dead-on. JENNY We've lost two of our main engines! BUCKY I'm gonna buy Bruce some time! The Righteous flies into an asteroid field with the Double Bubbles following, and lands on one of the larger rocks inside a small crater. The nose is pointed directly up at the attacking Double Bubbles. DEADEYE That's the way, Captain! Nothin' can escape old Deadeye's sights now! He fires and destroys one of the Double Bubbles. The rest continue to fire. Meanwhile, the toad mothership is approaching the scene. The Air Marshal is now on the bridge, watching the fight on a large viewscreen. AIR MARSHAL We've got him! This will be worth ten medals of valor! Send in all ships from Sectors Five and Six! Destroy him! Back at the space battle, Deadeye continues firing on the attacking Double Bubbles, destroying one close enough to the front viewport that Bucky and Jenny shield their eyes from the explosion. Bucky gets on the intercom again. BUCKY Blinky, Bruce! We need that accelerator, now! Below, Blinky salutes and Bruce is working on the accelerator. BLINKY Aye-aye, Captain O'Hare! BRUCE Banana oil! This piece of junk is on its last legs! He flips a blue switch on the device and it emits a low humming sound. BRUCE Hmm. Sounds funny. Here goes nothin'. He pulls a lever, and immediately lots of yellow electrical bolts shoot out at him. Bruce screams. Suddenly everything starts to get sucked towards the photon accelerator, including Blinky. The android grabs a pipe as his feet are lifted off the floor. BLINKY Help! He loses his grip and goes flying towards Bruce, but grabs a barrel (?) and hangs on, reaching over and grabbing Bruce's belt in an attempt tp save him. But Bruce is sucked right out of his battle suit, and we watch him go spinning off naked into a swirling psychadelic light show. Blinky is left holding Bruce's empty clothes. Blinky loses his grip on the barrle and is pulled towards the photon accelerator, but stops himself and then unplugs the device. The suction stops and Blinky falls to the floor amidst Bruce's battle suit. BLINKY Captain! Calamity and woe! Chief Engineer Bruce sucked into another dimension by photon accelerator! Or... he has attained oneness with the universe. On the bridge, Bucky and Jenny look appropriately shocked. BUCKY Jenny, I'm going below to peruse this debacle first hand. You're in charge. JENNY Aye-aye, Captain. Bucky climbs down the ladder into the gunner's station. Deadeye obliviously continues to fire on the Double Bubbles outside. BUCKY Poor Bruce. We'll miss 'im. He enters the engine room. Bruce's empty clothes lay on the floor while Blinky fiddles with the accelerator. BUCKY How bad is it, Blinky? BLINKY Oh, much worse than you can imagine, Captain. Replaced micro circuits, but cannot predict unpredictable outcome of turning on accelerator if warp drive is activated. A tremor rocks the ship and Blinky falls down. Bucky hangs on. JENNY Bucky, our forward shields are failing! If we don't warp out in thirty seconds, we'll never make it! BUCKY We have a choice between certain destruction and the great unknown. Guess there's only one choice we can make. He approaches the photon accelerator and looks at the lever, rubbing his hands together. SCENE 11 - A near-exact replica of the photon accelerator sits on a desk in Willy's bedroom. Willy enters, holding a taperecorder which he is apparently talking into.] WILLY Today my science project, the photo accelerator, is ready for testing. He flicks a blue switch, and the machine begins to emit the same strange humming as the one in the Aniverse did. WILLY Sounds funny. Must've changed phase on it somehow. He talks into the tape recorder. WILLY Mom, Dad? If you should hear this recording, remember, I did it in the name of science. He reaches for the lever at the same precise moment as, back in the Aniverse, Bucky does as well. They both pull their respective levers. There is a bright flash and everything goes dark. Willy turns on a flashlight. WILLY Hey! The accelerator is absorbing all the energy from the area! He goes to the window, but can't see outside because there is apparently a sparkly force field just inside the glass. He touches it. WILLY Feels like week-old blackberry gellatin! Suddenly he hears muffled explosions coming from the other side of his closet door, and shines his flashlight in that direction. WILLY Who's there? Who's there?! Back aboard the Righteous, Deadeye's guns click uselessly as he presses the triggers. DEADEYE Bucky! Me guns have gone dead! Jenny activates the intercom. JENNY Bucky, we've been enveloped by some kind of impenetrable stasis field. Nothing can get in or out. Below in the engine room, Bucky and Blinky are walking around Willy's closet door which appears to just be hovering in the air. BUCKY You think that's strange, Jenny, you better get down here. On the opposite side of the door is the same sparkly effect Willy had seen on his window. Bucky picks up a jacket that's hanging on the doorknob and examines it as Deadeye joins them. BUCKY Look at the size of it. Jenny climbs down the ladder as the door creaks and the knob turns. Willy enters with the flashlight, startling the mammals who yell in fright. Willy jumps back, accidentally knocking the door closed. Deadeye pulls both of his maser pistols and points them at Willy. DEADEYE Look out, it's got a lightsaber! WILLY Don't shoot! It's only a flashlight! He turns it off. WILLY I'm friendly! BUCKY Easy, Deadeye. WILLY You're a green rabbit. BUCKY I'm Captain Bucky O'Hare of the United Animals frigate the Righteous Indignation. This is my gunner Deadeye Duck, first mate Jenny, and Android First Class Blinky. He gestures to each crew member in turn. BUCKY What are you? WILLY My name's Willy DuWitt, and I'm, uh, well, this sounds kinda weird. I'm a human from another universe. BUCKY Human? He strokes his chin. DEADEYE Must be some kind of mutated hairless baboon. WILLY Maybe this passageway is the result of the phase shift in my photon accelerator. BLINKY Yes! Photon accelerator is the link. We also have accelerator out of phase, due to battle damage. He points to the accelerator, which is smoking. Suddenly another tremor rocks the ship and everyone is thrown backwards off their feet. Blinky ends up in Willy's lap, and Deadeye ends up sitting on Bucky's head. WILLY What was that? JENNY Toad plasma cannons, hitting hard enough to rock the whole stasis field. WILLY You're being shot at by toads? They go to the gunner's station and look out the viewport at the Double Bubbles. BUCKY Yes. And unless we fix that accelerator, those toads are gonna take us prisoner and conquer every free world in the Aniverse. WILLY Gee, you guys really are in trouble. SCENE 12 - Bucky, Willy and Deadeye climb back down to the gunner's station and approach Willy's door. WILLY Maybe I can help you out. BUCKY Not likely, unless you can repair our photon accelerator. WILLY Repair? Heck, I just built one! But, I'll need a few things. Bucky, Willy and Deadeye enter Willy's bedroom through the closet door, Bucky holding Willy's flashlight. Deadeye jumps as the closet slams shut behind him. He then picks up a green squirt gun off of Willy's bed and stashes it in his uniform, then goes over to Bucky. DEADEYE I don't like the looks of this weapon, Captain. He shows him the squirt gun. Rather, he sticks it in Bucky's face. DEADEYE I'm gonna take it-- uh, confiscate it. He stuffs it back inside his uniform. BUCKY Good idea. WILLY Bucky? Bucky and Deadeye walk over to where Willy is getting random stuff off his shelves and laying them on the bed, next to a duffel bag. WILLY You know, this is amazing. I mean, I've never been in another universe before. But the physical principle seems to operate pretty much the same. Deadeye uses his bottom two arms to hold the duffel bag open while he packs all of Willy's stuff up for him. In particular, he seems interested in a stack of green bills, and seems tempted to take them, but resists. WILLY Uh, except for a few things. Deadeye grabs the remaining stuff from Willy's hands and stuffs it into the back, then Willy carries the bag and follows Bucky and Deadeye through the closet door and back into the Righteous Indignation. SCENE 13 - The Double Bubbles continue to fire on the Righteous Indignation as it sits in the small crater on the asteroid. The stasis field holds. In the engine room, Willy is fiddling with the photon accelerator as the whole crew watches. WILLY That should do it. When I activate the warp drive, we'll lose the stasis field for good. JENNY But Willy, won't you lose your door, too? WILLY Well, it should return when we're not using the warp drive. I hope. JENNY Then you should return to your own dimension first. He shakes his head. WILLY Nope. I'm staying right here. "There are some things so important, they're worth doing no matter what the cost." Jenny clasps her hands together, well, girlishly. JENNY Willy DuWitt? You are a very brave human. She hugs him and gives him a kiss on the cheek. He turns dark brown (?!), apparently blushing. WILLY Gosh. BUCKY All hands to stations. Ready for action! Everyone rushes out of the engine room. Deadeye jumps into the gunner's chair, and Bucky and Jenny seat themselves in the captain and pilot chairs on the bridge. BUCKY Willy, it's up to you now. Outside, the Double Bubbles have stopped firing. The squadron leader is talking into his radio. TOAD SQUADRON LEADER Squadron, again, on my signal, fire all guns at once! Three! Back down in the engine room, Blinky watches as Willy prepares to pull the lever on the photon accelerator. WILLY Okay. TOAD SQUADRON LEADER Two! Willy pulls the lever. TOAD SQUADRON LEADER One! The Double Bubbles open fire as the stasis field disappears. To Be Continued...