Bucky O' Hare In Back To The Trenches By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE Genus Memorial Gardens, Genus FRITZ is standing at a podium with CAPTAIN SHIRLEY SQUIRREL sitting behind him. A large tarpaulin appears to be covering something large, as a cool breeze causes the tarpaulin to flap in the wind. Sitting in the audience are several mammals, including BUCKY, JENNY, MICHAEL MALLARD, CORPORAL KINGSTON, LIEUTENANT BILLON, PRIVATE FLARE, PRIVATE HENDERSON and PRIVATE COMFREY. FRITZ: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here, on New Year's Day 3226, to commemorate the 30th Anniversary since the end of the First Toad Wars. I know I'm not much on speeches, so I am proud to introduce Captain Shirley Squirrel to say a few words. The audience applauds as SHIRLEY takes her place on the podium. SHIRLEY: My friends, I think we all know how horrible a war is, but did any of those brave mammals that fought in that war know? For them, to join the army against Terry Toad was like an adventure, but once in No- Mammals Land, all of that was about to change. In memory of those brave soldiers, I am proud to present this monument. She pulls back the tarpaulin, revealing a bronze statue of a hare in the uniform of a WW1 soldier. A small plaque is placed underneath, with both an English and an Aniversian text, both reading: IN LOVING MEMORY OF THE UNSUNG HEROES WHO FELL IN ACTION ON PLANET GAUL 1 DURING THE 3192 - 3196 WAR MAY THEY REST IN PEACE CORPORAL KINGSTON looks glum, unlike others who are intrigued by the monument. KINGSTON closes his eyes as he begins to remember. SCENE TWO Planet Gaul 1, Year 3196 Across the planet lies a blanket of deep mud that appears to stretch for all eternity. This is No-Mammals Land, one of the greatest problems that come between the opposing armies. Barely five miles apart lie two systems of trenches, leading away from one another. Both are protected by a mass of impenetrable glowing electric cords, like wires. Two giant maser cannons are protected by a glowing forcefield, with sandbags littered around the forcefield's edge. Some early Toad Double Bubbles, with only a single cockpit and larger wingspan, fly overhead on a scouting mission. SCENE THREE The Dugout, Mammalian Trenches Inside the Dugout is CAPTAIN HUDSON. He is a younger ADMIRAL HUDSON with an olive uniform resembling a WW1 Officer's outfit. He is sat listening to a phonograph playing a piece of music that finishes at the start of the scene. HUDSON then switches the phonograph off and a younger CORPORAL KINGSTON enters in the same uniform he will later wear in the Genus Home Guard. KINGSTON: No sign of the enemy, sir. HUDSON: It doesn't matter, Corporal. I seriously doubt that Terry Toad will do anything rash at the moment. KINGSTON: Why do you say that, sir? HUDSON: Just look at all the battles we've fought during the past four years. The Semme, Vardien, Zpres, Ankrei, battles that have since made General Vilestrom of the Toad Empire think twice before invading mammal territory. Where's Lieutenant Colthurst? KINGSTON: On watch with Private Breeze, sir. Shall I call him in, sir? HUDSON: Yes, please do. By the way, Corporal. KINGSTON: (As he goes to leave) Sir? HUDSON: As you are one of the Royal Stoat Fusiliers to be transferred here, I want you to know that I don't intend to go lightly on anyone. This is a war, not a tea party for Alderbarren kittens. If I find any means of insubordination, I will gladly have you shot. Understood? KINGSTON: (Nervously) Y...Yes, sir. He exits, while CAPTAIN HUDSON begins to read a small propaganda magazine with a picture of FIELD MARSHAL SIR EDWARD GAIGH, a badger with a moustache, on the front cover. SCENE THREE Toad Trenches A TOAD soldier, dressed in the uniform of a WW1 German troop, is on watch, with his maser rifle complete with fixed bayonet. Another TOAD is sat smoking a cigarette waiting for his turn to go on watch. TOAD #1: It's too quiet out there; the mammals are up to something. TOAD #2: (Puffs his cigarette) Who cares, we might as well go home anyway. TOAD #1: Listen here, Private Day, it's not over until the fat lady sings. He notices a TOAD OFFICER approaching. The TOAD stands to attention and salutes, while PRIVATE DAY carries on smoking his cigarette. THE TOAD OFFICER is smartly dressed in a purple outfit, with a flowing black cape and a frilly, cream-coloured codpiece. TOAD: Private Algae reporting for duty, Lieutenant Smata, sir! SMATA: Very good, Private. What have you to report? ALGAE: The Mammals have stopped firing their maser cannons, and several of their tanks appear to be withdrawing. SMATA: (Mumbles) Hmm, perhaps the time has come to go over the top. ALGAE: There is one other thing, sir. We sent out a Scouting Party of Single-Bubbles earlier today, and none of them were shot down. SMATA: I see, so they must be planning something big. Is there anybody manning the cannon? ALGAE: Yes sir, Privates Spawn, Flower and Banks, sir. SMATA: Tell them that we intend to attack at the first sight of enemy manoeuvres. I'll need to report to General Vilestrom. ALGAE: Yes, sir. LIEUTENANT SMATA notices PRIVATE DAY smoking. SMATA snatches the cigarette away and stubs it out with his boot. DAY stands up to meet SMATA'S scowl. SMATA: Two things: One, stand to attention when an officer's speaking to you. And two, get on your watch now that Private Algae is out of the way. DAY: Yes, Lieutenant. SMATA: That's yes SIR, to you! DAY: Sorry, yes Sir. SCENE FOUR Mammal HQ, 35 miles behind the Mammal Trenches FIELD MARSHAL SIR EDWARD GAIGH is observing a scaled down model of No- Mammals Land, with miniature troops, tanks and maser cannons. GAIGH is dressed in a smart battle dress, with a telephone sitting atop of the model battlefield. The phone rings, and GIAGH answers it. GAIGH: (Refined Voice) Field Marshal Sir Edward Gaigh... Ah, Captain Hudson! Yes, the tanks have been moved back to make way for you...no, they'll be attacking from the sides while your infantry attack from the front...how many men did you say? ...What? But didn't I dispatch some members of the Royal Stoat Fusiliers to you? ... Well, what happened to the rest? ...So let me summarise the situation, you've only 8 men from your original infantry, ten if including you and Lt. Colthurst, and the only remaining man from a platoon of 60 men transferred from the Fusiliers is the NCO...In that case, I'll send up a section from the Mammal Flying Corps to give you covering fire as you advance...very good, goodbye. He taps the telephone a couple of times. GAIGH: Operator, I'd like to leave a message for the Head of the Mammal Flying Corps please. Yes, Air Vice Marshal Cedric Gemstone MFC, DFC and BAR. Message reads: The tractor is stuck in the mud...thank you, goodbye. He puts the phone down, and moves a small figurine of CAPTAIN HUDSON forward slightly. GAIGH: And so, the Grand Plan unfolds... SCENE FIVE Toad HQ, 40 miles behind the Toad Trenches GENERAL VILESTROM, a tall and rather fat Toad in a high-ranking uniform, is simultaneously looking at a scale model of No-Mammal's Land. His black moustache is curled with patches of grey breaking out in some places, as he brushes it with a sausage-like finger. The models on the table are all of Toads, with maser cannons similar to those used by the mammals, and several captured tanks with the toad skull-and-crossbones attached to the front. There is only one tank that is built by the toads themselves, and they resemble the German A7V Sturmpanzerwagen. A telephone rings, and GENERAL VILESTROM picks up a candlestick telephone from underneath his model of No-Mammal's Land, and answers it. VILESTROM: (Albanian accent) Yes...Ah, Lieutenant Smata, what have you to report? ...So, Field Marshal Gaigh is preparing to move, is he? How many men have you in your regiment? ... Only 9?! ...You lost the rest at the Battle of the Semme? What has happened to Captain Minster? ...He's gone too? ... We have few tanks that we can use, so I'll have Baron Von Swamphoven use his flying squadron to give you covering fire as you advance...You needn't worry, Lieutenant, you'll pull through, goodbye. He replaces the receiver, and picks it up again. VILESTROM: Von Swamphoven, please ...Hello, this is General Vilestrom, the enemy is about to move at dawn, so I want you to take your squadron to provide covering fire for the troops...don't you take that tone with me! I have lost over 10,000,000 men! Either you fly tomorrow or you'll fly in front of a firing squad! He slams the phone down, and places some scale models of Toad Single Bubbles on the model No-Mammals Land. SCENE SIX The Dugout, Mammal Trenches CAPTAIN HUDSON and CORPORAL KINGSTON are sat speaking to LIEUTENANT COLTHURST, a twenty-year old panther resembling a close likeness to COLONEL RAUL MEW. COLTHURST: So, we're going over the top, are we sir? HUDSON: Indeed, Lieutenant. I've jus received word from Air Vice Marshal Gemstone that the Mammal Flying Corps will be providing covering fire as we advance. KINGSTON: That's right sir, and I've just had a word with one of the tank gunners, he says that they'll be advancing first, followed by the Flying Corps and then us. HUDSON: The tanks are already here? COLTHURST: One of them at least, he's just arrived after clearing up the mess at Vardien. Enter a much younger PRIVATE PIERCE, wearing a uniform of the Tank Corps, and a service revolver tucked discreetly in his holster. PIERCE: (Salutes) Private Pierce reporting for duty, sir. HUDSON: (Salutes back) I take it you are one of the tanks that'll be helping us tomorrow. PIERCE: Yes, sir. I also have word from Field Marshal Gaigh. COLTHURST: Couldn't he have just telephoned? PIERCE: No, sir. He can't send this message over an open channel. The message reads: "Expect the war to be over by tomorrow evening. Field Marshal Gaigh is due to attend a meeting with General Vilestrom to see if something can be done to prevent further bloodshed. End message." HUDSON: Thank you, Private. Dismissed. Exit PRIVATE PIERCE. LIEUTENANT COLTHURST sits down on his bed and sighs. KINGSTON: What's the matter, sir? You sound a bit cheesed. COLTHURST: Well, Corporal. It's just this thought that's been scaring me all throughout the war. HUDSON: What's that? COLTHURST: When I joined up with the lads when the war began, in 3192, I didn't think that something like this would ever happen. All of us had just graduated from Graham, and we were the school's cricket club. What a day that was. HUDSON: What has happened to the boys? COLTHURST: Well, Basset and Richard were gassed back to Blighty at the Semme, and Spencer was killed at Gallopellzi, so were Eric and Thomas. The Burnham Brothers, George and Gregory, were shot down during an Air Raid during the 1st Zpres run, while Jonathon and Anthony both bought it at the 2nd Battle of Zpres, and Charles was lost at the Battle Of The Ankrei. HUDSON: Leaving? COLTHURST: Me, I'm the only one of the Genus County Cricketers still alive, the wicketkeeper too! I was hoping to live right through the war. Go back to Noctur 4, start up my own cricket team, and marry dear Wendy... KINGSTON: I remember when I joined up. Parsnip Street Workhouse Pals, I'll never forget it. We all preferred the army to poverty. I've come from a poor family, and my mother was as pleased as punch when she found out that I'd joined up. She used to wash shirts for the Workhouse Governors. Then, in 3195, we all met up, didn't we? HUDSON: That's right, you'd just been selected as part of a platoon from the Fusiliers to help out at the front. KINGSTON: I'd just gone from Lance Corporal to Corporal then. All of my friends in the Fusiliers have gone now: Bernard Willow, Samuel O' Brian, Sergeant Hayward. It's a frightening thought to think you're the last remnant of the Defiant Platoon, especially when all of your friends have gone. HUDSON: I know how you feel, Corporal. When I joined up, I didn't imagine a war this awful. When I enlisted, the Mammal Military was still fighting colonial wars. My father was the Admiral Of The Fleet for The Genus Stellar Navy back then, and I followed in his footsteps. I remember the Boar War on Rigel 1, 3178-3180. We came to peace after that, but after I got a promotion, from Commander to Captain, General Vilestrom began his gargantuan effort to expand the Toad Forces. KINGSTON: What about that computer system on their homeworld? HUDSON: What, KOMPLEX? He's nothing more than a service unit; he couldn't harm a fly if he tried. Besides, it's General Vilestrom who's the enemy at the moment. And that's who'll we be attacking in a few minutes. SCENE SEVEN Toad Trenches LIEUTENANT SMATA is standing in the trench, waiting for the troops to get ready. He has a small register list in his hand, with the names of the troops listed alphabetically. The troops eventually arrive one by one, and get into a neat line in height order, their bayonets fixed to their rifles. Each toad is wearing a German WW1 infantry uniform, some with a medal, while others have uniforms ripped in some places. SMATA: Algae. ALGAE: Yes, sir. SMATA: Banks. BANKS: (Deep voice) Yes, Sir. SMATA: Board. BOARD: Yes, sir. SMATA: Day. DAY: Yeah. SMATA: Yes, SIR! DAY: Yeah, sir. SMATA: (Annoyed) Desmond. DESMOND: (Cornish Accent) Yes, sir. SMATA: Flower. FLOWER: Yes, sir. SMATA: Meadows. MEADOWS: Yes, sir. SMATA: Sewn. SEWN: (Squeaky voice) Yes, sir. SMATA: Good, all present and correct. This will be the final battle before the meeting between General Vilestrom and Field Marshal Gaigh. I know there are only a few of us left, but when we win the war, people will look back on this moment and say, "They did it, those Toads helped us to build an empire." So, let's do our best. SCENE EIGHT Mammal Trenches, Simultaneously The Mammal troops are lined up and CAPTAIN HUDSON is checking the list of troops. All of them are wearing WW1 uniforms from the Allied Forces, again with fixed bayonets on their rifles. Most of them are hares, panthers or partridges, with CORPORAL KINGSTON being the only stoat. HUDSON: Private Barley. BARLEY: Yes, sir. HUDSON: Private Beak. BEAK: Yes, sir. HUDSON: Private Beech. BEECH: Yes, sir. HUDSON: Private Breeze. BREEZE: Yes, sir. HUDSON: Lieutenant Colthurst. COLTHURST: Yes, sir. HUDSON: Private Hodges. HODGES: (Cockney Accent) Yes, sir. HUDSON: Corporal Kingston. KINGSTON: Yes, sir. HUDSON: Private Scarlet. SCARLET: Yes, sir. HUDSON: Private Sponge. SPONGE: (Deep voice) Yes, sir. HUDSON: And last but not least, Private Woods. WOODS: Yes, sir. HUDSON: Well lads, we've been lucky enough to get this far, but now isn't the time for celebrations. This will probably be the last battle of the Great Space War that'll ever be fought, depending on the Conference tomorrow. Let's do our best. Stand ready! They all stand by the ladders that are scattered about the trench, ready to go over the top. LIEUTENANT COLTHURST and CAPTAIN HUDSON have their service revolvers out and ready. IN THE TOAD TRENCHES... LIEUTENANT SMATA has his service revolver out, and both he and the troops are getting ready to move. SMATA: On the signal, company will advance! He pulls out a small whistle and pops it in his mouth. BACK IN MAMMAL TRENCHES... CAPTAIN HUDSON has a whistle in his mouth likewise, and glances at his watch, which reads "6:59 AM". HUDSON: Good luck everyone. The watch chimes "7:00 AM". SPLIT-SCENE, TOAD & MAMMAL TRENCHES... Both LIEUTENANT SMATA and CAPTAIN HUDSON blow their whistles, and the two sets of troops begin to advance. SMATA & HUDSON: (In unison) Charge! SCENE NINE No-Mammals Land The two sides begin to advance, with land mines and explosives detonating around them. Early WW1 tanks begin to move in the background, while Toad Single-Bubbles and early Toad Croakers fly overhead. Although reduced to few men, the opposing armies seem as determined as ever to beat one another. Eventually, both sets of troops disappear into the swirling mist, leaving the muddy No Mammals Land to melt away into... SCENE TEN Genus Memorial Gardens, Year 3226 The crowd has disappeared, leaving CORPORAL KINGSTON to stare at the bronze monument. His ears prick up as he hears someone walking up the path. Turning round, he sees that it is ADMIRAL HUDSON, with a kindly smile on his face. HUDSON: Hello, Corporal. Remember me? KINGSTON: (Weakly) We did it, didn't we, sir? We beat them? HUDSON: Yes, what a day that was. I'm glad we had you, Kingston. Without you, we never would've pulled through. KINGSTON: Why, thank you, sir. I bet Lieutenant Colthurst would be proud if he could see you now. HUDSON: Yes, what a great man he was, carry on Corporal. KINGSTON: (Salutes with pride) Yes, sir! ADMIRAL HUDSON walks off, where BUCKY and JENNY are hiding behind a gazebo. BUCKY: Anything, Admiral? HUDSON: He's OK, now, Captain. Thank you for telling me. JENNY: All he needed was some confidence from his commanding officer. HUDSON: Yes, I still can't believe that he and I are the only veterans from the big push, though. But as long as he has good spirits, I'm sure he'll pull through. Good day, Captain. BUCKY: (Salutes) Good day, Admiral, sir. JENNY: (Thinks) < I wonder if the Toads have any war veterans. > SCENE ELEVEN The Toad Homeworld CAPTAIN SMATA is speaking to KOMPLEX on a videoscreen. SMATA: (Lisps) The mammal's are celebrating the 30th Anniversary of the end of the First Toad Wars, mighty KOMPLEX. The defance shield appears to be at maximum, and the Home Guard have placed their tank out on patrol. KOMPLEX: I see, I believe it would be a waste of time to attack at this moment, but I want you to maintain orbit of Planet Quanta, and let me know if you spot any unusual activity. SMATA: As you command, mighty KOMPLEX. The screen goes blank, and CAPTAIN SMATA moves over to his desk. He begins to file some paperwork, and looks up at a painting of GENERAL VILESTROM hanging on the wall. SMATA salutes at the picture with dignity. SMATA: Those were the days. He continues with his paperwork, as the immortalised VILESTROM continues to stare at SMATA with lifeless eyes. THE END