Bucky O' Hare
In
The Second-To-Last Samurai
By Andrew Norris

SCENE ONE
Conva, The Prison Planet
PRIVATE SNOEK is sat in a cell playing cards with JACK SLICER, the 
former school friend of BUCKY. SNOEK sighs as he puts down his cards.

SNOEK: (Dismally) This time tomorrow, I'll be full of gas. 

JACK: Stop whining; make the most of your time left. 

SNOEK: It's OK for you. You have life imprisonment. Me, I'm on Death 
Row for The Gas Chamber. 

JACK: Look, Snoek. They had Shira here long before you came. She was 
due for the Electric Chair, yet she still got out fine. 

The door clangs open, as A WEASEL GUARD speaks to them.

GUARD: Good news, boys.

JACK: Carrot Special in the Canteen? 

GUARD: You've been released on bail. Some guy called Sylvester Zeard. 

SNOEK: Who?

GUARD: You heard me. He's waiting for you at the Launch Bay now. 

SCENE TWO
Launch Bay, Conva
A mysterious figure, dressed in a large, baggy overcoat waits for them. 
His face is obscured from view by a large, floppy hat. SNOEK and JACK 
approach him cautiously. 

SNOEK: Are you Sylvester Zeard? 
The figure nods. JACK steps a little closer. 

JACK: C'mon, Secret Squirrel. Who are you? 

The figure removes the hat and the coat, to reveal that he is SLY 
LIZARD, the lizard ninja who attempted a coup d'etat of Canopis III 
earlier on in life. 

SLY: I think you already know me. 

JACK: I'll say. You were that guy who chickened out on a few ducks.

SLY: Never mind that! I need your help! Come into my ship, and I'll 
show you. 

They move into his spaceship. It is a lizard-shaped spacecraft with 
plenty of storage room. SLY launches the ship until they are sailing 
through space on autopilot. 

INSIDE THE SPACESHIP...

SLY: You're no doubt aware of the matter of The Fearless.

SNOEK: What about it? 

SLY: I'm going to get back at the UAC after that meddlesome Willy 
DuWitt destroyed my satellites, and seeing as you two are former UAC 
officers, I need your help. 

SNOEK: And what makes you think we'll...

JACK covers SNOEK'S mouth as if to shut him up. 

JACK: Sure, Sly. We'll help you. 

SLY: I knew you'd see things my way. But first, I need to take you two 
through some training. 

SNOEK: (Breaks free) Training?

SLY: We can't attack unless you two are fully prepared. You need to 
know the ways of the Samurai, and I can show you this way.

SNOEK: What's wrong with combat training? 

SLY: To fight alone would mean you would not last even fifteen minutes. 
You must have the breath of the wind in your lungs, and the strength of 
many men inside you. 

JACK: So, where do we go now? 

SLY: We head to the planet Rigel II; I have set up a camp there, where 
I can teach you the ways of the warrior. 

SCENE THREE
UAC HQ, Genus
FRITZ, GRIFF, MISS SHEFFIELD, BUCKY, JENNY and a few COUNCILLORS are 
present along with COLONEL RAUL MEW. FRITZ clears his throat as he 
begins to speak. 

FRITZ: First, I want to thank you all for being able to make it here 
today. The Fearless, as you all know, has been in the workshop for some 
time now, and she has finally been repaired, and is ready to meet its 
crew. Have any of you any candidates to nominate? 

A LEOPARD stands up. 

LEOPARD: With all due respect, Chairman, is it not high tide that 
Corporal Nass was given a promotion? He has stayed in Genus Control and 
the UAC for almost eight years. Surely a record such as this would see 
him stand as the First Mate.

FRITZ: That appears reasonable Councillor Smidgen, any objections?

GRIFF and A MOOSE raise their hands. 

GRIFF: Even at the excellent service Corporal Nass has given us during 
his career, he still is far down the ranks for a promotion this size, 
and as memory serves from the disturbance with the ghosts we had some 
months ago, he is not top-of-the-class when it comes to combat. 

MOOSE: And also, under Section 34-A of the UAC's code, no members of 
staff posted on ground duties may be elected for flight duties unless 
above the rank of Sergeant. 

BUCKY: (Stands up) Also, under Section 22-E, any member below the rank 
of Sergeant may be assigned to any position the Council desires. 

FRITZ: (Restores order) We'll come back to Corporal Nass when the other 
candidates have been elected. Any other nominees? 


JENNY stands up. 

JENNY: Is it possible that members of The Genus Home Guard may be 
elected? The troupe has grown steadily over the days, and I'm sure 
there must be some men willing to take to the air. 

THE MOOSE stands up once more. 

MOOSE: Objection, Chairman.

FRITZ: On what ground, Councillor Slammer?

MOOSE: On the grounds that the Home Guard officers are too old for 
flight duties! They are too frail to be fighting Toads at there age! 
Some of them were involved in the first Toad Invasions! 

RAUL: So? Brigadier Martin is the commander of our only Ammunitions 
Carrier, and he is well into his seventies! 

FRITZ: Any other objections? 

The COUNCIL says nothing, but COUNCILLOR SLAMMER just sulks. 

FRITZ: (Whacks mallet) It is settled. The Genus Home Guard shall be 
interviewed at the next convenient meeting. Next, we have reason to 
believe that two of our most dangerous criminals, Former Admiral Jack 
Slicer and Ex-Private Snoek have been released on bail, along with 
several other criminals by someone calling himself Sylvester Zeard...

SCENE FOUR
Deadeye's Apartment, at the same time as the meeting. 
BUCKY and JENNY have just left from speaking to DEADEYE. The young 
canard slumps onto the couch in boredom, and switches on the TV. All 
that is on is a propaganda cartoon to the general public named PRIVATE. 
G.U.A.F.U., rather like the Warner Brothers 'Private Snafu' made during 
WW2.

NARRATOR: This is Private Guafu. Standing for 'Genus Usually All...All 
Fouled Up.'

As the TV waffles away to itself, DEADEYE sighs in misery. 

DEADEYE: Ain't there nothing good on no more? 

As there is a sequence in the cartoon involving GUAFU being watched by 
TOAD SPIES, the screen distorts, and the face of KAMIKAZE KAMO appears. 

KAMO: Deadeye! Are you there?

DEADEYE: Kamo? What are you doin' here? 

KAMO: I am not there, Deadeye. I am on my way to Genus; I have to speak 
to the council on a grave matter. 

DEADEYE: What be the matter? 

KAMO: Sly Lizard is gathering followers by releasing them from Conva, 
two at a time. I fear he plans to overthrow us with his army. 

DEADEYE: When can I see ya? 

KAMO: I'll land tonight. Genus Control Centre, meet me there at 11:45 
local mean time. 

DEADEYE: Okey-dokey, Kamo. See you tonight. 

The TV switches off, and DEADEYE darts out of the room. 

SCENE FIVE
Sly Lizard's Camp, Rigel II
SLY LIZARD has rounded up only SNOEK, JACK, A HARE wearing a 
highwayman's outfit, and TWO LEMURS wearing the uniforms of the 
Communists. All of them are in a straight line, waiting for SLY LIZARD 
to emerge from his tent. JACK looks at one of the LEMURS, and begins to 
speak to him. 

JACK: What's your story; soldier?

LEMUR #1: We're the Baggie Brothers.

LEMUR #2: We were both arrested for causing a riot on Rigel V some 
years ago. 

LEMUR #1: Working for Sly Lizard is a great privilege. 

SNOEK, meanwhile, is speaking to the HARE. 

SNOEK: What about you? 

HARE: I am Rick Parsnip. Also known as The Scarlet Blood-letter. 

SNOEK: Blood-letter?

RICK: The name of someone who drains you of your blood. I am the rudest 
Space-Highwayman this side of the Cross-bone Nebula.

He draws out his lightsaber, and makes a motion with it, rather like he 
is about to cut SNOEK'S throat. 

RICK: And trust me, Vole, you don't want to mess with this rabbit. 

SLY LIZARD exits his tent. He has a map in his hand, which he places on 
a table in front of the group. 

SLY: OK, everyone, gather round. 

They do. 

SLY: There are only six of us so far. To crush the UAC, we need more 
men. And I have the very people here. I want you each to take a file, 
and read it. The person on the file is the person you will break out of 
Conva, alone. 

They all pick the files, and read them. 

SLY: I'll provide you with spaceships, and you can feel free to capture 
any other spaceships at your leisure. 

RICK: This can't be right. I'm supposed to get out Frankenstoat.

SNOEK: What's wrong with that?

RICK: He isn't on Conva. Nobody knows where he is.

SLY: Well, ignore that and go with the Baggie Brothers. Once you've 
read your files, you'll find your spaceships over behind those Laurel 
bushes. They've been equipped with jamming beams, so you'll be able to 
disable the masers for just a short time. Good luck, return to me 
victorious, or not at all. 

They start to move towards what are the remains of damaged Toad Double 
Bubbles, patched together with plates of metal, but they still seem 
spaceworthy. They start up with a loud hissing noise, before they are 
piloted into the depths of space. 

SCENE SIX
UAC HQ, Genus
FRITZ continues to speak about SNOEK and JACK. 

FRITZ: This Mr. Zeard appears to have also broken out three other 
prisoners in the past two months. The Baggie Brothers, Frank and 
Fredrick. 

GRIFF: (Under his breath) Members of the Communist scum.

FRITZ: (Turns round) Scum, yes; Communists, yes. But Communist scum, 
no. 

GRIFF: Sorry, Chairman. 

FRITZ: (To Council) The other being the space-highwayman, Rick Parsnip. 
All of them released exactly one day before their executions. 

DEADEYE suddenly bursts in, panting for breath. 

DEADEYE: And I know who be behind this shenanigan! 

SLAMMER: (Stands up) How dare you burst in on this meeting! No minors 
are permitted to attend these gatherings!

FRITZ: Hush, Slammer! Let us hear what Deadeye has to say. 

COUNCILLOR SLAMMER sits down, not seeing COUNCILLOR SMIDGEN stick his 
tongue out at him. 

DEADEYE: Me ol' mate, Kamikaze Kamo just called me. He says this 
Sylvester Zeard is actually Sly Lizard, an' is probably buildin' him an 
army or somethin'. 

FRITZ: Sly Lizard? We haven't heard from him since that incident with 
the Samurai Lizards. How can you be so sure? 

JENNY: (Stands up) I can see the connection! 

FRITZ: What's that, First Mate? His name won't really clear matters. 

JENNY: Do you have an image of Sylvester Zeards' ship?

FRITZ: Yes. 

He taps a few keys, and the picture of a Lizard Spaceship comes onto 
the screen. 

JENNY: Maximise on grid number 5170R850G. Magnification level 650% 

Part of the image enlarges, and some markings can be clearly seen. 

FRITZ: OK, Captain. Get your ship and get going to Conva, ASAP. 

BUCKY: Yes, Chairman. 

FRITZ activates his commlink as BUCKY, JENNY and DEADEYE turn to leave. 

FRITZ: Calling Genus Control Centre. This is Chairman Warner. Have The 
Indefatigable ready for blast away immediately. 

TECHNICIAN: (On radio) Yes, Chairman. 

SCENE SEVEN
NASA Control Centre, Pasadena, Year 2003. 
This scene follows on from the end of "THE TOAD INVASION OF EARTH". A 
SCIENTIST is watching a Double Bubble exit a Black Hole on the screen, 
while a TOAD (The former Total Terror Toad) floats asleep in a tank 
amongst the bank of computers and machinery around him. THE SCIENTIST 
is frantic, as no other station appears to be responding. 
SCIENTIST: C'mon, for pity's sake! Tracking Station 12, Can you hear me 
Athens? 

Silence.

SCIENTIST: Can anybody hear me out there? Come in! COME IN FOR (BLEEP) 
SAKE! 

THE TOAD smashes out of his tank, and grabs the startled SCIENTIST. 

TOAD: You humans really are a pathetic species. You took me in and 
sheltered me, and all this time I've been able to gather enough 
information mighty KOMPLEX needs about this stone-age planet. Thank 
you, Doctor Linen. You have been most helpful. 

The two are shoved off screen. There is a brief snapping sound and the 
SCIENTIST screams painfully. 

OUTSIDE THE TRACKING STATION...

THE TOAD wanders outside, where JACK SLICER lies in the Piloting Pod of 
the ship. THE TOAD drops his face at the sight of JACK. 

TOAD: I wasn't expecting to be rescued by a mammal! 

JACK: At least you're being rescued, bub! How do you fancy crushing the 
UAC? 

TOAD: It would be my pleasure. 

THE TOAD clambers into the Double Bubble and the two jump off into the 
Black Hole, leaving the tracking station a burning shell in the midst 
of a wasteland. 

SCENE EIGHT
Willy DuWitt's Residence, San Francisco, Earth
WILLY has woken up in a cheerful mood. It is Sunday, where the whole of 
San Francisco is his oyster. His father, DR. DAVID DUWITT, is sat 
watching TV, whilst waiting for his wife to return from shopping. He 
smiles as WILLY enters the room. 

DAVID: Hey Sport! You look hip today. 

WILLY: Hi Dad. You look fine too. 

He sits alongside his father, while the news reports begin to play. 
REPORTER: And we have just received word of a severe fire in Pasadena, 
which has destroyed a NASA Tracking Station. The building was in an 
isolated area of Pasadena, and only the only scientist there, Dr. 
Spencer Linen, was found dead when the first fire fighters arrived. 

WILLY: (Thinks as his face drops) <That was where The Total Terror Toad 
was kept! > 

WILLY: Err, Dad. I've just got to sort out something. 

DAVID: Sure, kiddo! Don't let these bad vibes get to you. 

WILLY: I won't.

Exit WILLY. His footsteps pound upstairs, as he slams the door of his 
room.

INSIDE WILLY'S ROOM...

WILLY is about to activate his accelerator, when the memory stone given 
to him by JENNY begins to glow.

JENNY: (Through stone) Willy! Can you hear me? 

WILLY picks up the stone from his desk to answer. 

WILLY: (Exhausted from running upstairs) Hi Jenny.

JENNY: Willy, we're having trouble. Sly Lizard has escaped, and is 
going around the aniverse and breaking out the deadliest criminals.

WILLY: I'll say! He's just broken out our so-called 'friendly' Total 
Terror Toad, and wrecked the lab! 

JENNY: What? Get over here right away! 

WILLY puts the memory stone into his pocket, and activates his 
accelerator. 

SCENE NINE
Unexplored space; sometime in the early 2070's 
Through the blackness lies the Planet Sedna, the mythical tenth planet 
discovered some seven decades ago. There is a sound of humming engines, 
as two spaceships rocket past. Both have cylindrical bodies of grey, 
with two boosters of red and yellow. These two ships are parts of the 
World Space Patrol fleet. The largest ship being Fireball XL1, and the 
smaller vessel is the long-lost Fireball XL1A. 

INSIDE FIREBALL XL1...

ZAKARIA ZEROX, Pilot of XL1 and Commodore of the WSP, is attempting to 
attack XL1A, in an attempt to capture her. 

ZAKARIA: You can't escape, Libra! Your ship can't stay in space for 
much longer! 

He flicks a switch.

ZAKARIA: Clara! Prepare Interceptor 6. Now! 

CLARA: (On radio) Yes, Commodore. Interceptor 6 firing now.

An interceptor fires at XL1A, but unfortunately misses. 

LIBRA: (On Radio) You will never catch me, Commodore. I may be a Lance 
Corporal, but even my rank will not cause me to obey YOU! 

ZAKARIA: Then so be it! Interceptor 7 go! 

Another interceptor fires, but XL1A is escorted into a black hole by a 
Double Bubble and disappears. ZAKARIA is left stunned. 

ZAKARIA: Jumping Jupiter! What happened? 

SCENE TEN
UAC HQ, Genus
FRITZ is sat with GRIFF and DOGSTAR, watching a recording of the 
incident at Pasadena. All that can be seen is a smoking wreck in the 
midst of untouched countryside. Fire engines are screaming toward and 
away from the shell. The recording finishes when the tape runs out. 

DOGSTAR: I say! That rotten vagabond was lying the whole time! 

FRITZ: Be that as it may, Dogstar, we need to stop Sly Lizard before he 
becomes invincible. Who knows what lunatic he may pick up next! 

The screen flashes on again, and the face of ZAKARIA comes up. 

GRIFF: Commodore Zerox? I thought your report had already been given!

ZAKARIA: (To Fritz) Chairman! We have a major problem! 

FRITZ: I thought that Civil War had been dealt with? 

ZAKARIA: Not that! One of our most wanted criminals, Phillip Libra, has 
been spotted with a Toad Patrol! 

FRITZ: How dangerous is he? 

ZAKARIA: Libra himself is armed with a coma-ray-gun, and his spaceship, 
the XL1A, may be small in appearance, but it carries weapons that can 
destroy a planet three times over. 

FRITZ stares in shock for a while, and then recovers himself. 

FRITZ: Very well, Zakaria. Warner out. 

The link is severed. FRITZ and GRIFF look at DOGSTAR, who is also 
shocked. 

DOGSTAR: I can't stop and chat; I have to get the Indefatigable ready. 

He turns to exit. 

SCENE ELEVEN
The Righteous Indignation
The tiny frigate is hurdling into the unknown. BUCKY and JENNY are at 
the controls, with the company of WILLY, now in his spacesuit. 

WILLY: So, Bucky. Where exactly are we going?

BUCKY: That's a good question, where are we going?

JENNY: Couldn't Sly head back to Saurian? 

BUCKY: No, he wouldn't dare go back after what happened with Kamo. If 
he's got Jack with him, he'd probably...JACK! Of Course! 

JENNY: What is it?

BUCKY: With Jack with him, he'd already have a base! He'd be back at 
the Ruined Temple on Rigel II! 

WILLY: Let's just hope.

BUCKY: Well, let's just try. 

The ship speeds into space, and enters a hyperspace jump. The radio 
crackles as DOGSTAR begins to speak. 

DOGSTAR: (On radio) Commander Dogstar to Captain O' Hare.

BUCKY: Go ahead, Dogstar. 

DOGSTAR: Where are you, old boy? We're looking for a slithery needle in 
a haystack! 

BUCKY: Not quite, Dogstar. I have a plan. 

DOGSTAR: A plan? 

SCENE TWELVE
Sly Lizard's Camp, Rigel II
PHILLIP LIBRA, now aware of the situation, is speaking to SLY along 
with the TOAD. 

TOAD: A plan? But my life is dedicated to KOMPLEX. I work for no one 
else. 

LIBRA: Plus, why would the likes of myself co-operate in the affairs of 
inferior life forms such as yourselves?

SLY: I don't care whether you are a soldier or a renegade! All I care 
about right now is getting back at Genus with or without your help! 

LIBRA: But why would I have an interest in such a backward planet? 
SLY: Two names. XL1 and XL6. 

LIBRA: (Smirking) Ah, so that fat pompous twit is still alive.

SLY: If you co-operate he won't be much longer. 

LIBRA: All right. You have a deal. 

SLY: Good! As soon as the troupe finish their rest, we will recover the 
last ingredient I need to cause the demise of the UAC. 

TOAD: And that is? 

SLY opens one of the files, and pulls out a picture of a Dalek, along 
with a sheet of paper with writing on. LIBRA and the TOAD examine them 
carefully. 

LIBRA: What the (BLEEP) is that? 

TOAD: A Dalek. 

SLY: Yes. Aggressive as they may be to us cold-bloods, they are the 
secret weapons to my plan. They are held in a maximum-security facility 
on Conva. And tonight, we will be able to spring them free. 

In the bushes nearby, KAMIKAZE KAMO is watching their every move. He 
thinks about the strategy he'll use. 

KAMO: (To himself) As soon as the sun may show the hatred of his eyes, 
then I may spill the guilty blood that has corrupted many of my mammal 
friends. 

SLY: We shall strike Conva at Moonrise. Then, I want Libra and Rick to 
take care of the Guards. The Baggie Brothers will get the keys, while 
Snoek can get more armament for the main assault. Once the Daleks have 
destroyed Conva, we can convince them to work for us. They'll make 
great Guard Dogs on Genus. 

TOAD: Be that as it may, how are you going to convince them that we are 
their allies?

LIBRA: Yes, the Daleks would destroy you at the stutter of a syllable. 

SLY: You leave that to me, you go prepare your ships. I want the XL1A 
to be the flagship for the assault. Primitive as it may be, at least 
its size will be of use. 

KAMO leaps from the bushes, screaming Ninja cries. 

SLY: YOU!

KAMO: Yes, me. You won't get away with the overthrow of Genus. By the 
blood of my forefathers, I swear it! 

The TOAD makes a dive for him, but KAMO leaps out of the way, and THE 
TOAD lands in a stinging nettle bush. SLY draws his sword, and he and 
KAMO begin to fight. LIBRA is nowhere to be seen, but the sudden launch 
of Fireball XL1A suggests he has withdrawn. 

SLY: (Thinks) < Traitorous snake! > 

The two continue to fight, while Fireball XL1A continues to fly away. 
There is an explosion in the air, bringing the attention of SLY, KAMO 
and the others. Fireball XL1A has been destroyed. Lance-Corporal Libra 
is dead. They watch as two frigates, The Righteous Indignation and The 
Indefatigable fly down, and begin their assault. Some put up a fight, 
but are soon crushed. PITSTOP PETE picks up SLY and tucks him under his 
arm.

SLY: Back to Conva, huh?

PETE: Yup. 

SNOEK: (Panicky as Bucky drags him back) No! Not Conva! Please! I'll do 
anything! Anything! 

BUCKY: Oh, do shut up. 

SNOEK: Please, Captain O' Hare! Have mercy! Please! 

BAGGIE BROTHER #1: (As Wolf drags him away) Oh, well.

BAGGIE BROTHER #2: (As Bruiser hauls him off) Back to crack rocks. 


SCENE THIRTEEN
Planet Conva, Execution Block
The prisoner's from Sly Lizard's Group are in separate reinforced 
cells. On one door, the strongest of them all, is a picture of a Dalek, 
indicating it is the cell for the Daleks. TWO HARE GUARDS drag SNOEK 
down the corridor and through a small door.

SNOEK: (Timid) Please! Don't send me there! No! Have pity! Somebody 
help me! 

The door is instantly shut, and SNOEK can still be heard bellowing 
inside. There is a hissing noise from inside, rather like the releasing 
of gas. SNOEK'S cries for help reach a peak.

SNOEK: (Choking) Please...Don't do this to me...Stop...

The prisoners all look out of their portholes in the door. Including 
one DALEK.

PRISONERS: Ah, shut up! 

DALEK: Yes! Cease those noises! 

The hissing continues, but there is silence. 

RICK: That's better. 

SCENE FOURTEEN
UAC HQ, Genus
DOGSTAR and BUCKY are making their reports with FRITZ. COUNCILLOR 
SLAMMER is visible in the background. 

BUCKY: I wonder how Sly Lizard was able to find the information. 

FRITZ: No idea, any ideas, Councillor Slammer? 

SLAMMER: None, I'm afraid. 

BUCKY: Ah, well. If it's all the same to you, I'm off to the bar.

DOGSTAR: Right behind you, old boy. 

The pair leave, and FRITZ follows. 

FRITZ: Coming, Slammer?

SLAMMER: No, I have some things to sort out.

FRITZ: Please yourself. 

He exits. Underneath his suit, COUNCILLOR SLAMMER is wearing a Toad 
Utility Belt...

THE END