Bucky O' Hare And The Great Train Robbery By Andrew Norris PROLOGUE: In the mid-1970's, a new express train appeared on American railroads. The Supertrain was like an inland ocean liner, and a pioneer of atomic- powered locomotives. However, the train service was soon scrapped as a financial disaster. The last surviving blueprint of the Supertrain weaved its way through auctions and eventually into alien hands... SCENE ONE Fritz Warners' Office, Genus BUCKY and FRITZ are sat drinking coffee and conversing in a friendly tone. FRITZ: Bucky, you're aware that things are getting rough on Genus. BUCKY: (Sarcastically) No, its' better than ever (!) For once, we have a taxi service that goes outside of Capital City (!) FRITZ: (Chuckles) Yes, but even that isn't good enough. It's the roads that bother me; you remember Natalies' deal with Chitty? BUCKY: Yeah, The Genus Omnibus Company sure gave Frankenstoat a dressing down for wrecking their ONLY bus! FRITZ: That's just it! It's because we keep using teleporters as to why the roads have become so derelict; they haven't been used as much! BUCKY: So? FRITZ: (Sighs) The Toads have threatened to attack the Power-Plants feeding the teleporters, and we originally planned to use the roads as a backup. BUCKY: That's Councillor Agnews' field, isn't it? He's Commissioner of Road Transport. FRITZ: Yes, but the Council have denied him funding to refurbish the roads, so instead we've had to come up with this. FRITZ rolls down a screen, and on it are the blueprints for the Supertrain, now translated into Aniversian. FRITZ: Admiral Hudson told me that the .S.P.A.C.E. had finished with their railroad section, so we expanded it to the other towns on Genus... BUCKY: (Interrupts) ...and you're going to commission a fleet of these to run on it? FRITZ: No, Agnews' funding was only enough for one of these, but we're fitting it with a maser-proof exoskeleton for VIPs. BUCKY: Don't tell me, the construction work is almost complete and you want me to act as temporary staff for the top brass. FRITZ: (Grins) Would you? BUCKY: (Shakes Fritzs' hand) Deal. SCENE TWO A Signal Box in the Countryside, Genus The wooden signal cabin is slightly dilapitated, and stands next to a long-closed railway station. Both the station and the cabin are named CARIZZO SPRINGS. The railway lines run straight through, with an older, overgrown track heading elsewhere. From the signal cabin, an elderly SIGNALMAN is about to go off-duty. SIGNALMAN: (Feeble voice) Well, I guess everything is set for the Supertrain tomorrow, and it looks like I'll retire with a bang! VOICE: (In the shadows) Psst! Can I interest you in something? SIGNALMAN: Who is there? And what exactly is your business here? VOICE: You'll soon find out. THE SIGNALMAN is knocked over the head and falls unconcious. Out of the shadows steps EX-ADMIRAL JACK SLICER, with a communicator built into his ear. JACK: (Snorts) This is just too easy! KOMPLEX begins to speak via the communicator. KOMPLEX: Don't get too excited yet, my friend. Take care of the points first, and then our elderly friend. He moves into the signal box, and scans the levers until he finds the right one. Moving it steadily, the points are switched onto the abandoned track. KOMPLEX: (Satisfied) Excellent, Admiral! Once the Supertrain crashes, we will not only be able to disrupt transport over Genus, but throw the Admiralty into panic. JACK begins to tie up THE SIGNALMAN and locks him inside the old station. JACK: (Smiles wickedly) They deserve it after what they did to me! KOMPLEX: Calm yourself, Slicer. Remember, I am willing to place you as the new Admiral if you can make this work. JACK: Don't worry, the booby trap I have set up for them is foolproof! SCENE THREE Capital City Central Station, Genus, The next morning As the station has not been used for perhaps centuries, temporary staff have hastily tried to clean the place up for the new arrivals, but there are still signs of damage. The glass dome over the roof is cracked and dusty, the Booking Office is still boarded up, and weeds are growing on the platforms. Standing at one of the platforms is the Supertrain, a sleek, silver multiple unit with streamlined ends. BUCKY stands at one of the doors in a smart valets' uniform, but he looks embarrassed. BUCKY: (Abashed) I feel stupid dressed like this! JENNY: (From inside) Speak for yourself! I'll kill Fritz if he shows up! JENNY appears, dressed as a waitress, and her spell gems are glowing angrily. BUCKY: I guess they're won't be time for that, besides, here come the first few now. COUNCILLOR AGNEW the parrot councillor arrives and hands in his invitation. BUCKY: Councillor George Agnew, Commissioner of Road Transport. LATER... BUCKY is getting a little tired as the guests continued to pour in. BUCKY: (Groggily) Admiral Tina Starfire, Admiral of the Grand Fleet for Aldebaran... MUCH LATER... BUCKY's condition has worsened. BUCKY: (Exhausted) The Honourable Colonel Robert Pritchard... LATER STILL... BUCKY has fallen asleep, when a shadow casts over him. A FIGURE coughs, and upon seeing him, BUCKY snaps to attention. INISDE THE SUPERTRAIN... Everyone is gathered in a carriage made to look like a saloon. Amongst the guests are COUNCILLOR AGNEW and ADMIRAL TINA STARFIRE, a red-haired Aldebaran in a purple jumpsuit and pewter battle armour. DEADEYE is acting as bartender, and is busy waiting for the final guest before he can start serving. BUCKY: (Walks in) Attention everyone! We have our final guest, presenting Fleet Admiral Rygar Blade. Through the door steps FLEET ADMIRAL RYGAR BLADE, a muscular tiger in a dark blue suit with several gold trimmings. He looks around with a pair of arresting green eyes, and smiles slightly. RYGAR: (Deep voice) Before we make a move, I'd like to thank you all for taking your time to join us on this maiden voyage. Although there has only been verbal threats of attacks on our transportation, all I can say is frell you, KOMPLEX! Everyone applauds, and BUCKY shuts the door behind RYGAR, who calls BUCKY over. RYGAR: Captain, have you the time? I'd like to know when we're scheduled to leave. BUCKY: (Checks his watch) We should leave right...about...now. As the watch chimes 9 AM, the Supertrain sounds its horn and gently glides out of the station. RYGAR: (Smiles) Very punctual, Captain! Well done. RYGAR goes off to mingle with the other guests. At the bar, DEADEYE is serving several drinks at once thanks to his many hands. JENNY: (Walks up) Deadeye, I need three glasses of Bidweiser pronto! DEADEYE: (Serves up the order) You got it, Jenny lass! He quickly serves three glasses of liqueur and places them on a tray for JENNY. As he does so, a small computer screen on the bottom of the counter blips and a message comes through. DEADEYE: (Calls) Say, Bucky! BUCKY, after hearing DEADEYE, moves over from a conversation with ADMIRAL TINA STARFIRE to the bar. DEADEYE: The driver just put an order for a glass o' me best ale! Ye'd better take it to 'im! BUCKY says nothing, but takes the tray with the glass on, and begins to move up the corridor to the front of the train. He passes a passenger car, where JACK is hiding behind a newspaper, watching what BUCKY is doing. JACK: (Whispers) Now? KOMPLEX: (In communicator) Now. SCENE FOUR Drivers' Cab, Supertrain As the train speeds through the open countryside, BUCKY eventually arrives at the cab. He doesn't notice who the driver is until he finishes speaking. BUCKY: Here's your ale, and Colonel Pritchard asked you to slow down; the rickety track is making him edgy. The driver spins his seat around to face BUCKY, to reveal he is SUB- LIEUTENANT ANDREW NORRIS in an engineers' suit. ANDREW: (Salutes) Right so, reducing speed now. He eases the throttle back slightly, and the train partially slows down. BUCKY: (Stammers) W...What the frell are YOU doing here?! ANDREW: Driving a train, what about you? BUCKY: No...I mean, why were YOU asked to drive the train?! ANDREW: You forget, Bucky, I used to work in a railway museum long before I did anything mildly interesting, and I was the only one here who knew how to drive a train like this. IN THE NEXT CARRIAGE... JACK has taken out a pen-knife and is about to cut the corridor gangway connecting the two cars. JACK: (Quietly) OK, try this on for size, Captain. He cuts the canvas with ease, and reaches out to uncouple the cars. As he does so, the power unit with ANDREW and BUCKY aboard moves away. ANDREW: Is there a draft here suddenly? BUCKY: (Frowns) Yes, and I don't like the look of it! They move to the corridor unit and find JACK heckling them from the carriages. BUCKY: (Shouts) Admiral Slicer! How did you break out of Conva?! JACK: (Laughs) I didn't, I had help from KOMPLEX! BUCKY tries to jump onto the carriages but they are too far off. ANDREW pulls BUCKY back up before he can fall onto the track. JACK: Goodbye, Captain! By now, the Supertrain has reached Carizzo Springs, and the power unit races down the ancient track. The rest of the Supertrain follows suit for a short distance, but JACK fires a maser pistol at a nearby ground- frame and they carriages move off down a different line. INSIDE THE SUPERTRAIN CARRIAGES... JACK is now holding everyone at gunpoint, but RYGAR is carefully trying to remove his own pistol without anyone noticing. ADMIRAL STARFIRE: (High, squeaky voice) You're crazy! This train is going to crash, and you'll be killed too! JACK: (Scoffs) We're not going to crash, you thick-headed witch! Just wait and see. RYGAR fires a stun maser at JACK, knocking him unconcious. JENNY and DEADEYE move into a small guards' compartment and apply the emergency handbrakes. RYGAR: (Calls back) Well done, you two! Let's just hope we stop somewhere hospitable. SCENE FIVE The Driving Unit of Supertrain, Somewhere in rural Genus By now, the front carriage has been speeding along for sometime, and the brakes are hard on as BUCKY and ANDREW do all they can to slow up. BUCKY: Let's just hope we stop somewhere hospitable! ANDREW: (Shouts) Not likely, look! Ahead of them, the line is a dead-end, with an old engine shed nearby. BUCKY and ANDREW jump overboard and land alongside the tracks, while the power unit hits the buffers and explodes into flames. BUCKY: (Scornfully) How the frell did that rabbit sneak his way onto that train?! If he touches Jenny, I'll... ANDREW: (Softly) Calm down, Captain. We're going to have to get help and find out where Jack's taken the train. He looks over at the shed. ANDREW: With any luck, we might find a map and see where that line led to. They both walk up to the shed while the remains of the power unit continue to burn. INSIDE THE SHED... ANDREW and BUCKY open up the derelict shed and notice something large inside, but it is too dark to determine what it is. BUCKY: What the hell is that? He shines a torch over it, and they find a large, black steam engine with gigantic red wheels looking down at them. Although cobwebbed and rusty, the locomotive appears to be in overall good condition. ANDREW: (Shocked) Oh...my...god. BUCKY: You know what it is? ANDREW: A Class 691 designed and built by Ferrovie dello Stato for Italian Railways in 1928. He begins to walks around the shed, looking over the engine. ANDREW: (Continued) They were all withdrawn in the 1960's, and this one is in perfect shape. BUCKY: So, what are the chances of us getting this thing steamed up in time? ANDREW: With what we already have on us, it could take about two hours at the very least. BUCKY: (Thinks aloud) But if I know Fleet Admiral Blade, he may buy us some time. Let's get to it! SCENE SIX Spring Road Station The carriages of Supertrain hav successfully stopped at a grotty station halt in the mountains. Although JACK has been tied up and locked in the guards' compartment, RYGAR and JENNY look worried. JENNY: Not the most inviting of places, this station. RYGAR: And it is not the safest. At the moment, we are standing on part of a derelict railway, several hundred feet above sea level and miles from anywhere. JENNY: Can't we just signal for help, sir? Maybe we could alert everyone back at Genus Central. RYGAR: Admiral Starfire is just trying the station telephone now, but otherwise no. He gently taps his foot on the floor while looking around. RYGAR: (Continued) You forget, Jenny, that this track hasn't been maintained for some time, and with the weight of the train, I'm worried the track might subside. ADMIRAL TINA STARFIRE moves up from the old booking office. As she shuts the door, it collapses from its hinges. ADMIRAL STARFIRE: The lines' dead, and there doesn't seem any other way down the mountain except for the track. RYGAR: Yes, and if we take off the brakes, we'll accelerate too quickly and we might jump the points at the bottom. JENNY: Why don't we just keep applying and releasing the brakes as we go downhill? ADMIRAL STARFIRE: But then everyone would get jostled about too much! RYGAR: But its' either that or stay trapped up here, let's get to it. INSIDE THE SUPERTRAIN... DEADEYE is standing guard with COUNCILLOR AGNEW. EX-ADMIRAL JACK SLICER lies tied and gagged in a small baggage compartment, and DEADEYE has his guns drawn. JENNY: (Walks in) Deadeye, we need you to keep taking the brakes on and off as we go downhill. DEADEYE: (Salutes) Can do, Jenny girl! AGNEW: I just hope you all know what you're doing. DEADEYE hands AGNEW the guns, which he accepts unwillingly. DEADEYE slowly takes off the brakes, and then applies them continuously as the train continues downhill. DEADEYE: It be working, Jenny me lass! AGNEW: (Grins) Yes, I...I suppose it is! The celebrations have come too soon. The last carriage suddenly derails unexpectedly, and partially dangles uneasily over the crevasse. RYGAR: (Looks out of the window) Save the planets! We're stuck! Worse is to come, as the ground suddenly creaks under the trains' weight, and there is no path leading outside. DEADEYE: We be in a tight spot, laddies! We can't move! RYGAR: I want everyone to get onto the roof! We might be able to escape through the skylights! Everyone in the train suddenly open the skylights and begin to scramble out onto the roofs of the carriages. COUNCILLOR AGNEW moves JACK onto the skylight while still leaving him tied and gagged. JACK: (Muffled) Well, now what are you brainiacs going to do? ADMIRAL STARFIRE: Do you think we could jump onto the tracks from here? Part of the ground in front of the Supertrain collapses, leaving the rails to dangle like a tightrope. AGNEW: (Grumbles) You had to open your big mouth! I'm climbing out of here! He tries to climb up the side of the mountain, but it is too smooth, and he cannot get a proper grip. AGNEW slips down the mountain and hits the side of the train, causing the ground to groan louder. JENNY helps him back onto the roof as more of the ground beneath them gives way. DEADEYE: I guess this is it! Nice workin' with y'all! A faint, high-pitched whistle echoes in the distance. JENNY: (Confused) What was that? ADMIRAL STARFIRE: (Shivers) G...G...Ghost trains! Agnew! Protect me! She clings onto COUNCILLOR AGNEW, who struggles to break free. The whistle sounds again, and from around the mountain comes ANDREW and BUCKY in the steam locomotive. They stop just outside of Spring Road. JENNY: (Relived) Bucky! You're OK! BUCKY: Yeah, and now I need to get you all to safety, hang on! BUCKY grabs a two planks of wood and gently eases himself alongside the engine while clinging onto the safety rail on the boiler. DEADEYE: Be careful, Cap'n! One false move and ye'll be over the side! BUCKY begins to sweat as part of the ground under the steam engine now begins to give way. At last, he places the planks of wood between the front of the steam locomotive and the carriage roofs like a gangplank. BUCKY: (Shakily) Now, bring yourselves across one at a time and make your way back to the cab. The group move single file onto the steam engine and back along the boiler, trying to crowd into the cab, squashing ANDREW against the controls. ANDREW: (Strains) The man said "single file"! At last, BUCKY carries JACK over, but JACK isn't determined to give up yet. Once he is moving along the boiler, JACK squeezes against the queue. In turn, ANDREW is cramped further and knocks the regulator with his elbow. DEADEYE: (On the tender) Say, is it just me or are things getting hotter? The steam engine reverses along the track where it came from, with BUCKY, JENNY, JACK and RYGAR dangling on the side. As it moves away, the track in front collapses, and the Supertrain crashes into the valley below, resulting in a large nuclear explosion. SCENE SEVEN Courtroom, Genus FRANKENSTOAT is standing trial before FRITZ, GRIFF and COUNCILLOR SMIDGEN. Standing in the audience are SECONDARY GUNNER NATALIE FARRELL and CAPTAIN SHIRLEY SQUIRREL. FRITZ: Doctor Eric Victor Frankenstoat, by the evidence shown before this court, I find... Everyone in the court notices the distant explosion from the same window. FRITZ becomes concerned and hastily gets ready to leave. SMIDGEN: Your honour, what is your verdict? FRITZ: (Impatiently) Case dismissed! FRITZ dashes out, leaving everyone baffled. FRANKENSTOAT: (Holds out his handcuffs) You heard the man, I'm free to go! SCENE EIGHT Mount Creag Meagaidh The steam engine is accelerating rapidly downhill, and ANDREW is still having difficulty reaching the controls. BUCKY: (Shouts) Norris, for pitys' sake, slow down! ANDREW: I can't unless I can get some more room! Theses engines' weren't made to carry 20 people at once! Having heard the request for more space, ADMIRAL STARFIRE clambers on top of the tender alongside DEADEYE and signals for a handful of people to hang onto the boiler on the other side. With more space, ANDREW is able to begin to slow the engine down. DEADEYE: Well, that be a bit better! JACK has unfortunately untied himself and is standing on the roof of the cab and pointing his gun at the group on the footplate. JACK: (Sharply) Anyone tries anything, then I fire! I'm not finished yet! I may have lost the first time, but not now! JACK doesn't notice a bridge ahead, and although the groups on the side of the engine are able to dodge the metal girders, JACK is knocked off and falls into a river. BUCKY: (To Rygar) Do you think we should go back for him, sir? RYGAR: There's no point. That river has been contaminated by the nuclear fall-out of Supertrain. The radiation will die out soon, but I fear that Admiral Slicer will perish. DEADEYE: Better him than us! The toad-lovin' bilgewasher deserves it! The engine has now slowed down, and gently coasts along a piece of track. RYGAR: (To Bucky and Jenny) We'll have to find a station fast and get ourselves decontaminated. No doubt we'll have picked up traces of radiation from that explosion. JENNY: So, what do you think we should do about this railroad? RYGAR: The Genus Home Guard will need to cordon off the area and decontaminate the line before any radiation reaches Capital City. After that, it all depends on the Councils' verdict. This isn't really a job for the Admiralty. As the locomotive rounds a curve, it appears to speed up as it is slowly descending. ANDREW tries to slow down, but the regulator is jammed. DEADEYE: (To Andrew) Hey, slow down ya lubber! We be goin' too fast! ANDREW: I can't! The controls have siezed up! The engine slowly accelerates, and some of the passengers begin to panic as they see something up ahead on the line. SCENE NINE Stony Point Goods Yard FRITZ has arrived with three ambulances and a decontamination unit. The Home Guards' tank rattles up and LIEUTENANT BILLON disembarks along with PRIVATES HENDERSON and PIERCE. BILLON: (Grumbles) Confounded roads! I'll be dizzy for weeks! FRITZ: Never mind that, here they come! In the distance, the steam locomotive is heading towards the decrepid station, and on the same line at the station is a line of rotting wooden vans. As the engine still accelerates towards the station, BILLON, PIERCE and HENDERSON rush over to a ground-frame. PIERCE: (Struggling) I'm not enjoying this very much. Eventually, the points are set, and the steam engine hits some buffers. Luckily, only the tender is derailed. DEADEYE: That could've been a li'l smoother, laddie! The passengers are escorted to the decontamination unit, while BUCKY, RYGAR, FRITZ and ANDREW begin to talk. FRITZ: (To Rygar) Admiral, sir, what happened? RYGAR: Admiral Slicer, that's what. BUCKY: The Toads broke him out of Conva so he could sabotage the train. FRITZ: But if the train crashed, why are you all OK? ANDREW: Bucky and I found this old engine outside Carizzo Springs, so we rescued everyone before the Supertrain could derail. FRITZ: And Slicer? BUCKY: (Solemn) Jack fell into a river and presumably died from radiation exposure. ANDREW: (Looks into the distance) That's more like it! He walks over to a diesel locomotive standing in the goods yard. The diesel is painted yellow and looks like a mobile power-plant. ANDREW: FP-7 built for the Union Pacific Railroad, used well into the mid-21st Century. Overall good condition but the bearings need urgent attention. RYGAR: One would think you could name every engine on this line! FRITZ and BUCKY exchange glancesas they come up with the same idea. SCENE TEN A television screen in an alleyway, Capital City, Genus A DOG NEWSREPORTER is reciting the days' news. DOG: After the disaster during the inaugural run of the Supertrain, Fleet Admiral Blade has commended Captain Bucky O' Hare and his crew for their quick-thinking. In spite of this accident, the old railway lines are to start a new lease of life as the Genus Military Railway to transport military supplies around Genus. In charge of the railway is Second Lieutenant Wilson. An old dog appears on the screen in artillery uniform; this is SECOND LIEUTENANT BRIAN WILSON. BRIAN: (Frail voice) With the difficulty with air-space and the shoddy road network, this railway will make the transporting of supplies far easier and quicker, that is all I have to say, thank you. DOG: The line was to be opened by Chairman Fritz Warner, but couldn't after protestors taunted him over finding Dr. Frankenstoat not guilty of 28 charges: 7 for theft, 11 for treason, 8 of attempted murder and 2 for parking without lights. The television is suddenly smashed, as EX-ADMIRAL JACK SLICER hisses angrily. He has survived the radiation, but has severe skin mutation and a large swollen eyeball. JACK: (Mad) I'll get Fritz one of these days! You see if I don't! He clambers into a sewer and shuts the cover when some HARES walk past the alleyway. On the floor is an old newspaper with the headline: JACK SLICER BELIEVED TO BE AT LARGE... THE END In memory of Long John Baldry The one and only Toad Air Marshal 1941-2005