Bucky O' Hare In Pop Goes The Diesel By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE The Graham Institute ADMIRAL HUDSON is sitting with BUCKY in a small office. HUDSON is sitting in an enormous chair behind a dominating desk, while BUCKY sits in a fairly small chair. HUDSON: I take it the Council briefed you on why you're here? BUCKY: Yes, sir. You have a recruit who you'd like to be taken to see what front-line warfare is like. HUDSON: Indeed. After all, it was done while you and the others were still in training, only our training craft is in the workshops for repairs, so I need you and the others to take the recruits for today only. I've assigned a majority to LaFleur and Norris, so you'll be glad to know that you have only one recruit to go with you. He presses the intercom on his desk. HUDSON: (Into intercom) Send him in. Through the door comes a spindly MALE ALDEBARAN dressed like a technician. He salutes as HUDSON and BUCKY stand up. HUDSON: This is Private Rudolph Diesel of the Medical Corps. Currently top of his class in Surgery, and he'll be serving as your Ships' Surgeon for the day. DIESEL: (Sleek voice, to Bucky) Good morning, Captain O' Hare. It is an honour to be serving with you today. BUCKY: (Ponders) Well, I guess he could help us out. DIESEL: I'd be delighted to help out in any way possible, sir. BUCKY: Well, if you'll follow me, I'll see what can be done. RUDOLPH DIESEL follows BUCKY out, while HUDSON watches as the two leave. HUDSON: Rather him than me, I'd hate to be in Captain LaFleurs' shoes. SCENE TWO The Screaming Mimi, Out in Space MIMI and JONATHAN are crammed in the console with several RECRUITS. The space in the cockpit is so crowded, that MIMI'S face is pressed against the windscreen. She looks over at JONATHAN, who is clearly not having a good time. MIMI: (Muffled) So, who's bright idea was it to have some rookies go flying with us? JONATHAN: Don't look at me! But I plan to give that guy a piece of my mind when I find out who it was! RECRUIT #1: Captain, what does this switch do? MIMI: What switch? RECRUIT #1: This one just by Emma's leg. RECRUIT #2: That's not my leg! That's the Captains! RECRUIT #1: Oh, right! MIMI: Read what it says and I'll tell you. RECRUIT #1: But I can't read, ma'am. RECRUIT #3: (Pushes in, pressing Jonathan against the glass) Let me! He reads the label. RECRUIT #3: Full thrust-vertical. RECRUIT #4: C'mon, let's try it! JONOTHAN & MIMI: (Muffled, in unison) No! Leave it alone! Don't touch it! RECRUIT #1 flicks the switch, and the Screaming Mimi moves vertically at high speed. SCENE THREE Genus Control Centre, Genus JENNY, DEADEYE and BRUISER are lying around the ship waiting for BUCKY. BRUISER looks bored. BRUISER: How long is Bucky going to take? DEADEYE: Aye! It not be every day ye get an invitation to Admiral Hudson! JENNY: Patience, guys! Its' probably something that's maximum security if he's being kept this long! BUCKY arrives with RUDOLPH DIESEL, who salutes to the group. BUCKY: Everyone, this is Private Diesel. We're to take him on a training session for the day on behalf of the institute. He'll be acting as our medic. DIESEL: It is a pleasure to see you all. My word! Is that Deadeye Duck? DEADEYE: (Sarcastically) No! It be Mike Mercury! DIESEL: You don't understand; you're my idol! I got into the Corsair Canards a long time ago! Could I have your autograph? DEADEYE: (Proudly) Well, I guess ye be entitled to an official autograph from one o' the Corsairs! DEADEYE and DIESEL shake hands, and DEADEYE signs a small notebook that DIESEL has been carrying in his pocket. JENNY: (To Bucky) Well, he certainly has good manners. BUCKY: Let's just hope he's better at First Aid than he is courtesy. BRUISER: (Suspiciously) There's somethin' funny about that guy! BUCKY: Sorry, Bruiser, but we'll have to put up with him for the day. BRUISER: OK, but I don't like it. BUCKY: All right everyone; man your stations! We need to head off for routine patrol of Sector 7. DIESEL: But what of me, sir? Where shall I go? BUCKY: For the moment, Diesel, I think you'd better stay in Engineering. I'll find better facilities for you when we're on the move. BRUISER looks fed up when DIESEL makes himself comfy in the Engine Room. SCENE FOUR Genus Control Tower CORPORAL NASS watches as the Righteous Indignation flies smoothly off into space. NASS: One more patrol for the day, same old same old. JONATHON: (Over radio) Genus Control, this is Screaming Mimi requesting permission to land, over. NASS: Roger, Screaming Mimi. Permission granted. Use Bay 3-B. JONATHON: I don't think I'll have much of a choice! The ship careers drunkenly downward, with the tailfin ablaze and several dents in the sides. It lands with a thump, and the underside simply collapses. NASS: (Grits his teeth) Ouch! I think I'd better go and help! CORPORAL NASS arrives at the Screaming Mimi, and the door falls off its' hinges. Some of the RECRUITS fall out of the ship while MIMI disembarks with a sore, red nose and a black eye. MIMI: (Snarling) Where's that frelling Admiral?! I'm going to kill that thrifty son-of-a-lizard! SCENE FIVE The Righteous Indignation in Sector 7 While the ship gently glides around, BUCKY and JENNY just scan space with their radar. JENNY: No Toads so far, Bucky. BUCKY: Maybe, but you never can tell. There's always a cruiser that shows up at the very last moment. JENNY: Guess we'll just need to give them time. BUCKY: Yeah, the longer they keep Deadeye waiting, the worse it'll be for those on the receiving end of his maser cannon. DOWN IN THE ENGINE ROOM... BRUISER and DIESEL are talking together, but BRUISER doesn't seem pleased with DIESELS' company. DIESEL: You're worthy Bucky... BRUISER: (Snaps) That's Captain O' Hare to you, buster! DIESEL: (Hurt) You're worthy *Captain O' Hare* thinks I need to learn. He is mistaken, I must tell you. The Diesel family clan doesn't have to learn, we know everything! We improve anything we can lay our hands on! BRUISER: Really? Then yous can help me with th' photon accelerator, seeing as Willy ain't here. They move over to the Photon Accelerator and set to work. LATER... BUCKY and JENNY detect a Toad cruiser in the nearby facility. BUCKY: (To Jenny) What did I tell you, Jenny? He flicks on the intercom. BUCKY: Bruiser! I need you to give me a full boost! BRUISER: Roger that, Cap'n! He turns to look at DIESEL, who is still fiddling with the machine. DIESEL: Good! A chance to see how I have modified the accelerator, all I have to do is... He tries to pull the lever, but it is stuck. DIESEL: (Strains) Come on! Switch on! While BRUISER watches with interest, DEADEYE becomes hesitant. DEADEYE: (From Gunnery) For cryin' out loud, you two! Get that thing workin'! These fly-munchin' sleazebags be steering clear o' me shootin' zone! DIESEL looses patience, and roars as he jerks the lever forward, so much so that it unscrews. The Righteous jerks forward and is sent into hyperdrive. The sudden change in speed slams the crew into their seats. BUCKY: (Groans) What are you two playing at down there? Quit clowning around and bring us out of hyperdrive! DIESEL regains his balance and screws the lever back on. The ship suddenly grinds to a halt, and BUCKY comes down to see what is happening. JENNY follows suit, with her hair in a complete mess. BUCKY: (Infuriated) Will someone explain to me what is going on? DIESEL: (Nervous) Well, sir, I was simply adjusting your photon accelerator as a demonstration of my superior metalwork. BUCKY: (Yells) YOU WHAT?! JENNY: Bucky! Those adjustments could've locked Willy out of the Aniverse! DIESEL: (Gulps) B...But I thought I might be able to please you. BUCKY: Well, you thought wrong! Get it fixed, now! An alarm sounds in the bridge. BUCKY: Now what? BLINKY: (On Bridge) Calamity and woe! Toad Mothership alongside good ship Righteous Indignation! BUCKY and JENNY run up the ladder, and sure enough a Toad Mothership is hovering before them. The radio crackles and WING COMMANDER SLUDGE is put through. SLUDGE: (Over radio) This is Wing Commander Sludge to Righteous Indignation. You might as well give it up, O' Hare! You're surrounded and we outnumber you! DEADEYE: We'll just see about that! Eat hot ions, you bilge-gobbling freaks! DEADEYE fires his maser cannon, and several double-bubbles explode. The others try to fire back, but are soon destroyed. As this continues, a tractor beam in the Mothership begins to drag the Righteous inwards. BUCKY: (Frantic) Bruiser! Diesel! Get that accelerator working now! BRUISER: (From below) Captain! Diesels' just hijacked the Croaker, an' I can't switch off the accelerator! JENNY: (Slams the console with her fist) That cowardly lunatic! BUCKY: Looks like we'll have to do this the old fashioned way... The Righteous is pulled into the Mothership and the doors slam shut behind it. TO BE CONTINUED... Next episode: In The Army Now