Bucky O' Hare
In
Van Owlsing
By Andrew Norris

SCENE ONE
Bucky's Apartment
It is late at night, and BUCKY is sat with JENNY, watching. T.V. A DOG 
REPORTER is speaking a chilling report.

REPORTER: There has been a murder at the UAC HQ last night. Brigadier 
Greg Martin of The Valentine was found dead in his apartment. His cause 
of death is unknown, but The Home Guard have sealed off the area until 
the culprit has been found.

JENNY: (Shocked) Brigadier Martin? 

BUCKY: I don't believe it! Who would do such a thing? Who?

There is a knock on the door.

BUCKY: Come in.

Enter CAPTAIN SHIRLEY SQUIRREL.

JENNY: What's wrong?

SHIRLEY: You heard about the Brigadier yet?

BUCKY: We've just seen it on the news. Why? 

SHIRLEY: You'd better take a look at him. I think we've got a problem 
here.

JENNY switches off the TV and the trio exit.

SCENE TWO
Brigadier Martin's Apartment
Several Police Officers, including THE POLICE SERGEANT and THE POLICE 
CONSTABLE from the incident with The Home Guard are taking photos and 
writing notes around the place. On the beige-coloured walls are black-
and-white pictures of The Brigadier in the early stages of the Toad 
Wars; one including the Brigadier as a Colonel with a very early 
mammalian frigate. BUCKY and JENNY are led up to THE POLICE SERGEANT, 
while CAPTAIN SHIRLEY SQUIRREL walks off.

BUCKY: What exactly happened? 

SERGEANT: We're not sure, but we do know that no one would be able to 
break in. There were no signs of breaking-and-entering when we arrived. 

JENNY: How exactly did he die? Poison? Psychological Warfare?

SERGEANT: This is the most disturbing part of it. We found some weird 
marks on his throat; he's in the next room. Don't touch him though; 
we're still waiting for the forensics to get here. 

BUCKY and JENNY move into the bedroom, where the corpse has been placed 
on the bed, and covered by a white cloth. In the room is PAUL TRAVELS, 
Pilot of The Valentine and subordinate of The Brigadier. BUCKY notices 
that the young racoon is almost in tears, but he dries them off when he 
sees the two coming in.

PAUL: Why would someone want to do such a thing?

JENNY: Or something.

PAUL: He was the best officer I knew, and now I've lost not only my 
superior, but also a great friend. 

BUCKY: We all have to go sometime, and I guess this was the time for 
Greg. 

PAUL: I guess so. Thank you, Captain. But now, I have to see Chairman 
Warner.

He walks out, blowing his nose on a crinkled handkerchief. BUCKY pulls 
out the tarpaulin, and gazes at The Brigadier. His fur looks wilted, 
and the skin underneath is deathly pale. BUCKY notices two marks on his 
throat, more like teeth-marks. BUCKY suddenly feels a chill running 
down his back.

BUCKY: Jenny...
JENNY: What is it?

She looks at the teeth-marks, and they both look at one another with 
the same conclusion, as if they know who the culprit is. 

BUCKY & JENNY: (In unison) Duckula. 

SCENE THREE
Castle Duckula, Planet Earth, Year 3225
In the midst of the Carpathian Mountains lies Castle Duckula. It is the 
dilapidated, crumbling stately home of COUNT DUCKULA, and his two 
servants: IGOR, a sinister, scheming Vulture; and NANNY, a stupid, 
overfed pigeon. DUCKULA is sat down at a table, drinking a large jug of 
Carrot Juice, when the phone rings.

NANNY: I'll get it!

She picks up the receiver, and tears the phone out of the wall.

NANNY: 'Ello, Castle Duckula...hang on a minute.

She takes the phone over to DUCKULA.

NANNY: It's for you Ducky-Poos, someone calling himself Becky O' High. 

DUCKULA: (To phone) Count Duckula speaking, don't leave a message after 
the beep because this is me in person...Oh, hi Bucky...(Gasps) what, 
but how...what do you mean, I haven't been out of the house all 
day...Very well.

He hands the phone back to NANNY.

DUCKULA: (To Igor) We've got to get going, Igor. Someone's just been 
found dead.

IGOR: (Bright) This is excellent news, sir! Another bite in the neck, I 
presume?

DUCKULA: Yes, and we need to help out. C'mon! 

DUCKULA runs off to the Basement, while IGOR walks behind.

IGOR: I'll start the grave digging, sir. 

IN THE CELLAR...

A small coffin lies upright and covered in cobwebs at the bottom of the 
stairs leading to the Dungeons. DUCKULA runs down the steps and into 
the Coffin. 

DUCKULA: United Animal Coalition HQ, and step on it!

The coffin is suddenly a bright purple, with several lights flashing 
about it. Castle Duckula is now bathed in a yellow light, as it 
vanishes into thin air. 

SCENE FOUR
UAC HQ, Genus
FRITZ is speaking to BUCKY and JENNY. With them are COUNCILLOR SLAMMER 
and LIEUTENANT BILLON of The Genus Home Guard. 

FRITZ: So, you believe that one of our Earth Agents could be 
responsible?

SLAMMER: (Slyly) I do believe that Captain O' Hare has finally found a 
good prediction. 

BUCKY: I'm not saying he is, full stop, but he is a vampire after all.

BILLON: A vegetarian, or so Private Montague has told me. Besides, how 
could Count Duckula get in without any mammalian technology?

FRITZ: We'll soon know when he arrives.

SLAMMER: Unless he decides to evade us.

BUCKY: You watch it, Slammer. I don't like your tone.

There is a whirring noise from outside, as Castle Duckula appears from 
nowhere and parks in the middle of the High Street outside. COUNT 
DUCKULA, along with NANNY, is seen walking up to the building. COUNT 
DUCKULA enters through the door and closes it behind him, whilst NANNY 
simply bursts through the wall.

DUCKULA: Nanny, why can't you just use the door?

NANNY: Ooh! The door! I'd forgotten all about it, hang on.

She disappears through the hole in the wall, and crushes the doors to 
matchwood as she barges in.

DUCKULA: (To Fritz) I'm very sorry, Chairman.

FRITZ: I'm not fussed about the door; I'm worried about this crisis 
with Brigadier Martin!

DUCKULA: What did happen, anyway?

SLAMMER: I think you know what happened.

BUCKY: Slammer! (Turns to Duckula) Look, we found Brigadier Martin dead 
this morning with marks in his throat.

He picks up a set of photos of the Corpse and hands them to DUCKULA.

BUCKY: We want to know if you've got anything to do with it. 

DUCKULA: I'm a vampire, Bucky. You need a vampire hunter for this job. 

FRITZ: Do you know anyone?

DUCKULA: There's Van Goosewing, if he's still around...

SCENE FIVE
Castle Duckula Basement
IGOR has dug a large grave roughly 11ft deep. A hill of dirt lies next 
to it, while VAN GOOSEWING, a small owl in a Victorian gentleman's 
suit, walks around with a small television set.

GOOSEWING: (High-Pitched German accent) Now, where did I put mein fuses 
for my wampire-o'meter? 

He falls into the hole, and IGOR begins to breathe heavily.

GOOSEWING: Ah, excuse me, but have you seen any fuses for my wampire-
hunting equipment? 
IGOR: Now I have you, Dr. Van Goosewing!

GOOSEWING: Igor?! Arrrgggghhhhh! Help! Let me out! 

There is the sound of a spade hitting something hard and heavy, and the 
sound of IGOR grunting angrily. 

SCENE SIX
UAC HQ, Genus
DUCKULA is still speaking to BUCKY and co.

DUCKULA: ...and he was able to hunt down Don Diego, the Spanish vampire 
and pyromaniac. 

NANNY: He was nothing of the sort, Ducky-Poos! He just liked to set 
fire to things.

JENNY: Well, where is this Van Goosewing?

DUCKULA: I think Igor might have...

Enter IGOR

DUCKULA: Ah, Igor! I'm glad you're here! 

IGOR: Sir! I have great news! I've finally laid Dr. Van Goosewing!

DUCKULA: Igor! You dunderhead! You incompetent...!

FRITZ: Easy, Count. We just need to find another hunter. I think you've 
helped us enough. If you go back to your castle, then you can guard the 
HQ until we return.

DUCKULA: OK, Chairman. As you wish. 

Exit, DUCKULA, NANNY and IGOR; LIEUTENANT BILLON also turns to take his 
leave.

BILLON: I need to check on security at the Brigadier's apartment, I'll 
have Sgt. Linen around as soon as possible.

FRITZ: Thank you, Lieutenant. 

BUCKY: What'll be done with The Valentine?

FRITZ: Pilot Paul Travels will take over as her commanding officer, but 
not under any rank unless he trains for a Lance Corporal. Valentine 
will still do her deliveries, helping Noctur 4 recover from the 695 
million murdered in those invasions is far more important than putting 
everything on hold to avenge the death of one. 

SLAMMER: But being The Brigadier, it would be for the best?

FRITZ: I'm sorry, Slammer, but the Panthers need all the help they can 
get. If you'll excuse me, Captain O' Hare and I need to see Dr. Trance.

Exit BUCKY, JENNY and FRITZ; SLAMMER pulls a small radio out of the 
concealed Toad Utility Belt hidden underneath his suit, and begins to 
speak on it.

SLAMMER: Cygnet to Swan, Cygnet to Swan. The cheese is on the table, 
Launch Bay 4-D.

RADIO: (On radio) Swan to Cygnet, the cheese knife is out of the 
drawer, keep in touch, out.

SLAMMER switches off his radio and smiles sinisterly. 

SCENE SEVEN
Launch Bay 4-D, Genus Control
The Valentine is ready for launch, with pieces of electronic devices 
bound for Noctur 4. The final cargo is loaded, and the doors leading to 
Valentine's storage bay swing shut. Inside, PAUL TRAVELS, now the only 
crewmember, is preparing for launch, while a piece of opera plays on 
the radio. PAUL suddenly hears a scuffling noise from behind him.

PAUL: (Switches off radio) Hello, is anyone there? You can come out; I 
know you're here somewhere. I won't hurt you.

VOICE: No, Pilot Travels, but I will hurt you.

PAUL: Who are you?

VOICE: My name is unimportant; it will be of no use to you. 

PAUL: What do you want with me?
VOICE: Just to comment that you have a lovely throat, and is one I 
could sink my teeth into.

Out of the shadows lurks A VAMPIRE FERRET, dressed in an elegant purple 
cape, and a black evening suit. His teeth are sharper than knives, and 
there is a glare of evil within his bloodshot eyes.

PAUL: (Gasps) Nosferretu! But you're dead!

NOSFERRETU: I know you are but what am I?

The pair struggles for a while, until PAUL releases his grip on 
NOSFERRETU, and falls to the ground with two teeth-marks in his throat. 
NOSFERRETU moves over to the ship's console, and inserts a floppy disc, 
before typing on a keyboard.

NOSFERRETU: Let's see, Autopilot to Sector 13, stay in free-float over 
Planet Spectros, and dump all nutomic warheads onto Planets surface.

The ship's engines begin to gain power. NOSFERRETU pulls his cloak over 
him, and he is gone. Leaving behind a vessel jammed on autopilot, and 
another dead man.

SCENE EIGHT
Genus Control Tower
CORPORAL NASS is at his desk with FRITZ, BUCKY and JENNY. Castle 
Duckula can be seen towering a few hundred yards away through the 
enormous glass windows. FRITZ is attempting to make contact with Planet 
Spectros.

FRITZ: Come in, Dr. Trance! (Growls) What's going on?

NASS: Sir, I've picked up a jamming beam that's blocking all 
communications with Spectros.

BUCKY: Can you trace it?

NASS: (Types a few keys) The source is from The Valentine.

FRITZ: (Furious) WHAT?!

NASS: Someone's placed a virus into the system. She's stuck in 
hyperdrive, and won't come out of it until she reaches Sector 13. 
BUCKY: Which shouldn't be too long.

FRITZ: (Grabbing Nass's headgear) Calling Valentine, come in Valentine. 

Silence.

FRITZ: (Losing his temper) Paul, what the frell are you doing? It took 
the Coalition ages to cough up enough cash for that ship! 

NASS: At least we got it cheap, she was in pieces when we finally got 
her. 

BUCKY: (Taking over) Paul, I know you're unhappy about what happened to 
The Brigadier, but you don't have to go through all of this.

Silence. 

NASS: She's come out of warp-drive. 

FRITZ: Get me an image of the cockpit.

CORPORAL NASS types in a few codes, and comes up with the cockpit of 
the Valentine. The floppy disc is still in place, and PAUL gets up 
slowly off the floor. He turns to the screen, with two fangs protruding 
from his mouth.

FRITZ: By the Great Mother! What happened to you?

PAUL doesn't respond, but smashes the computer screen inside the 
cockpit. There is a sudden explosion to be heard on Genus from up in 
space. It is obvious now that The Valentine, Planet Spectros and the 
Gammorian Ghostbusters are no more. 

FRITZ: Bugger! Now what do we do?

JENNY: We may have to find our little friend for ourselves. 

VOICE: Are you seeking a vampire?

Through the doors leading to the Lifts comes A TAWNY OWL wearing a 
high-tech suit and a large backpack with many gadgets affixed to it. 

FRITZ: And who are you?

THE OWL hands BUCKY a card, which he reads to everyone.

BUCKY: (Reads Card) "Prof. Manfred Van Owlsing, Parapsychologist and 
Supernatural Eliminator in the field of Vampires. Recommended by The 
Gammorian Ghostbusters themselves."

JENNY: So, are you a ghostbuster?

OWLSING: Not exactly, I mainly specify in vampires rather than ghosts. 
I like to think of myself as a vampirebuster rather than a ghostbuster.

FRITZ: Do you think you could help us?

OWLSING: I'd be more than happy to. If you could take me to the first 
victim, I'd be happy to begin my investigations right away. 

They exit, while CORPORAL NASS continues with his work. 

SCENE NINE
Castle Duckula
VAN GOOSEWING has dug his way to the surface of the pit that IGOR 
buried him in, and is attempting to control his balance. 

GOOSEWING: I must get my wampire-catching equipment immediately. 

He begins to climb up the stairs.

GOOSEWING: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 

Meanwhile, IGOR is at the top of the stairs.

IGOR: Just another 2716 stairs to go, and you're mine! 

GOOSEWING: 19, 20, 21, 22...

Meanwhile, a clock in the wall begins to chime and ring, as Castle 
Duckula disappears from Genus, and re-appears in the Carpathian 
Mountains. DUCKULA can no longer be of any help to BUCKY. 

SCENE TEN
Brigadier Martin's Apartment
VAN OWLSING is scanning the corpse with a small, cylindrical 
instrument. BUCKY and JENNY watch with interest, while FRITZ becomes 
impatient.

FRITZ: What are you doing? 

OWLSING: This instrument is my Blood-Scanner. Because vampires can bite 
so many victims at once, they often leave blood cells stuck in their 
teeth, which can be injected into the next victim. Vampires can also 
leave DNA like living people, and my Scanner can pick those up as well.

BUCKY: Well, Professor? What have we got?

OWLSING: The killer has bitten no one for almost 25 years, and back 
then, his last victim was a Rat. We're looking for a vampire ferret, 
roughly 700 years old in the body of a 36-year-old, born 2525 with a 
lust for being pure evil. 

FRITZ: How can you be sure that thing works?

OWLSING: Trust me on this. He's already attacked two males, so his next 
victim will probably be a female, that's the pattern they use. 

JENNY: But how will we find him?

OWLSING: With this.

He produces another measuring instrument from his pocket, it is a cube-
shaped, heavy-duty Geiger counter, but has several lights and gauges 
around the front.


OWLSING: This is my Long-Range Detector. I just program it to search 
for any mammal I select, and then begin to scan like my Blood-Scanner.

BUCKY: Ingenious!

VAN OWLSING switches on the Detector; it beeps and whirs loudly.

OWLSING: He's asleep; in The Graham Institute.

As the sun begins to rise, everyone looks shocked. If Nosferretu 
awakens, he'll have full control of The Institute, and not even Van 
Owlsing will be able to save them. 

BUCKY: We have to get everybody out of there!

FRITZ: I'll attend to that! Van Owlsing, you and Bucky will find the 
whereabouts of Nosferretu and destroy him. Jenny, I need you to help me 
evacuate the Institute.

JENNY: OK, Fritz.

BUCKY: Let's just hope we're in time.

SCENE ELEVEN
The Graham Institute, Genus, Two Hours later
ADMIRAL HUDSON is walking through the grounds of the magnificent 
buildings, which make the place appear to be more of a University. The 
ageing dog is about to enter his Physical Training lessons, when he 
sees BUCKY arrive in a Taxi Cab along with JENNY, FRITZ and VAN 
OWLSING. 

HUDSON: (Salutes) Greetings, Chairman.

FRITZ: (Salutes back) Hudson, we need your help. There have been 
several killings across Genus, and we believe the killer is hiding in 
the Institute. 

HUDSON: We haven't heard anything, Chairman. 

FRITZ: (Brings Van Owlsing forward) This is Prof. Van Owlsing, he 
traced the killer to here. 

HUDSON: Very well.

HUDSON squints his eyes at the owl, as though he mistrusts him.

HUDSON: Tell me, Professor. Where exactly would this killer be hiding?

OWLSING: Somewhere dark and damp, near a huge crowd of people. Either 
in a Supply Cupboard in a classroom, a basement or even an attic.

BUCKY: We need to evacuate everyone until we can determine where he is.

HUDSON: It'll take time, but very well.

FRITZ and JENNY walk off towards one wing, while VAN OWLSING, BUCKY and 
ADMIRAL HUDSON move off in the other direction. VAN OWLSING is still 
using his Long-Range Detector, while HUDSON speaks to BUCKY. 

HUDSON: What's all this about The Fearless, Captain?

BUCKY: We recovered her on Rigel II, after we recovered Jack.

HUDSON: As an Admiral, I don't think Jack was a good officer. I'm still 
angry that Warner's handing out those pathetic frigates! This is a war, 
damn it! We need top notch Destroyers, not wimpy lumps of scrap metal! 

BUCKY: We still have the XL6...

HUDSON: At least XL6 is something. The pilot may be insane, but if I 
had my way, XL6 would be the spearhead of the Fleet instead of a 
pathetic Rescue Ship. Add a maser here, tighten a bolt there, and she'd 
be an excellent Battle Cruiser!

OWLSING: Excuse me, sirs, but I've found him!

HUDSON: Who?

OWLSING: The killer! Nosferretu!

They stop in front of a small metal door leading down to a Storage 
Room.

HUDSON: The Quantum Mechanics Supply.

They begin to make their way down the stairs, with VAN OWLSING up 
front. They enter a small room bathed in an eerie green light. 
NOSFERRETU lies sleeping on a metal table, while a FIGURE dressed in a 
Laboratory Coat is sat hunched over a computer, which is linked to 
small probes attached to NOSFERRETU'S body. HUDSON and BUCKY draw their 
guns.

HUDSON: (To figure) Get your hands up!
THE FIGURE does, and moves away from the Computer, with his brownish 
tail whipping in the cold air. 

FIGURE: (Raspy voice) You really think you can stop me?

OWLSING: Who are you?

BUCKY shines his torch onto the Figure, who turns out to be none other 
than FRANKENSTOAT, the maniacal weasel from Proximis 4. 

BUCKY: YOU!

FRANKENSTOAT: Yes, me. It was I that helped Nosferretu with those 
murders. (Councillor Slammer Voice) While being the suspicious 
politician as well!

FRANKENSTOAT pulls a lever, and a Moose Outfit of COUNCILLOR SLAMMER 
pops out of the wall. The computer begins to whir. 

FRANKENSTOAT: (Unaffected voice) Good! 75% complete!

OWLSING: And what are you getting out of this?

FRANKENSTOAT: My revenge over those meddlesome fools from the 
Toxicology classes here at the Institute when they rejected my 
experiments on recycling Napalm and the idea of a Nuclear Fission 
Rocket Engine! They'll pay for my degradation! They'll pay!

BUCKY: Frankenstoat, that thing is a walking buffet! Help it and you'll 
just be an entrée for it! 

FRANKENSTOAT: On the contrary, I won't be here to see your demise! 
You'll never get me! 

He pulls a small vial from his pocket and smashes it to the floor. A 
small mist envelops the area, but when it clears, FRANKENSTOAT is gone. 

BUCKY: Damn! We should've got him when we had the chance!

HUDSON: Never mind that! Let's just get everybody out of here!

He smashes a fire alarm, and a swarm of mammals rush by in panic. It is 
perhaps twenty minutes or so until the whole building is finally empty.
OWLSING: You'd better go too. This could get messy.

BUCKY: But what about you?

OWLSING: I've done this before.

HUDSON and BUCKY exit; VAN OWLSING reaches into his pocket, and pulls 
out a metal stake. A hammer is attached to it, as though it is a self-
inserting stake. VAN OWLSING places it over NOSFERRETU'S heart, while 
FRANKENSTOAT'S computer buzzes.

COMPUTER: 100% of wounds healed.

VAN OWLSING presses a button on the hammer, and the stake is driven in. 
NOSFERRETU screams for a while as blood pours from the open wound. VAN 
OWLSING, meanwhile, pulls a gun out of his holster, and sprays a yellow 
coloured gas around the room. A picture of an onion on the gun's 
cartridge suggests it is Garlic Vapour. NOSFERRETU takes one last 
shriek of pain, before finally dropping dead. VAN OWLSING stops 
spraying the vapour, and looks down at the body.

OWLSING: How do you like your Steak?

SCENE TWELVE
Outside the Institute
Thousands of mammals are awaiting news of NOSFERRETU, including BUCKY 
and JENNY. VAN OWLSING finally steps out, with a few people at the 
front of the crowd held back by the stench of garlic.

OWLSING: I'm pleased to inform you all that the vampire known as 
Nosferretu who is responsible for the deaths of many innocent victims 
is now dead.

There is an applause ringing out across the crowd, JENNY and BUCKY 
cheer VAN OWLSING on.

BUCKY: Well done!

JENNY: Wow! If this is how well Van Owlsing is, I'd like to see how 
well Van Goosewing could've done. 

SCENE THIRTEEN
Castle Duckula
VAN GOOSEWING is still climbing the stairs. He is now sweating, whilst 
clutching onto a handkerchief as he reaches the very top of the stairs.

GOOSEWING: (Pants) 2723...2724. Next time, I do all my experiments in 
the cellar.

IGOR: (At top of stairs) Guess who?

GOOSEWING: Mother.

VAN GOOSEWING gives a bloodcurdling scream that rings across the 
Carpathian Mountains.

THE END