Bucky O' Hare In The Love Frigate By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE Genus Control Centre BUCKY, JENNY and WILLY are all outside the Righteous Indignation, looking a little impatient. BUCKY: (Glances at watch) Ten minutes, and neither have shown up. JENNY: Perhaps something else came up at the last minute. BUCKY: I doubt it; he rarely keeps a schedule. FRITZ and KADAF arrive from outside the gate. FRITZ is holding three envelopes in his hand, and looks rather unhappy. BUCKY: Chairman, have you seen Deadeye anywhere? FRITZ: (Grumpily) Yes, I have! I had to give him and Natalie these! He slams the envelopes into BUCKY'S hand. The three envelopes are addressed to him, JENNY and WILLY. JENNY: What are they? FRITZ: You'll find out when you open them, but it's inconvenient for me, as I have to make arrangements otherwise! Good day to you! KADAF: (Coughs) Yeah, err...what he said! The two walk off, and the three open their envelopes. Inside is a letter and a small yellow ticket made out of pasteboard. BUCKY: (Reads letter) To be brought to the attention of Captain Bucky O' Hare. As a reward for you hard services to all mammals everywhere... JENNY: (Reads letter) ...It has been decided by the M & O Ferry Line, long recognized as the only universal passenger service existing for the duration of the war... WILLY: (Reads letter) ...That you will travel on an all-expenses paid weekend on our newest cruise liner, the Stellar Rose! DEADEYE and NATALIE arrive waving their tickets and cheering. DEADEYE: (Ecstatic) Sorry I'm late, Cap'n, but we've just... BUCKY: Won tickets on a cruise? NATALIE: You got some too? WILLY: Yeah. I'll have to tell my parents that it's a school trip or something. JENNY: It says here that there may be a dance, as well as glorious views of the Occultas Galaxy. BUCKY: Why not? I suppose we could all use a little break around here. SCENE TWO The Toad Homeworld TOAD AIR MARSHAL is going over a plan of Titanic II with COMMANDER CREELEVARD VALJTHOU looking over at him. TOAD AIR MARSHAL looks uncomfortable. CREELEVARD: (Neutral) These deck plans are very similar to our target. AIR MARSHAL: I can see, but why didn't you just bring the proper deck plans? CREELEVARD: They were currently in use by the designer. Had I killed him and confiscated the plans, the cruise would've been abandoned. AIR MARSHAL: (Sighs) All right, you did well with these. We'll start in the morning. CREELEVARD: (Nods once) As you wish. SCENE THREE M & O Spaceport, on the other side of Genus, the next day Perched in the safety of the mountains is a small, desolate spaceport run by the Mammalian & Orient cruise line. Situated as far away from Capital City as can be imagined, BUCKY and JENNY arrive in BUCKY'S car while WILLY, DEADEYE and NATALIE arrive in Chitty Chitty Whir Whir and leave the cars parked in the virtually desolate parking lot. Towering in front of them is a magnificent spacecraft designed like an American Ocean Liner. Much of it looks very similar to Titanic II, with the exception of the top decks and single funnel. On the sides are the embossed words, STELLAR ROSE. JENNY: (Whistles) Ladies and gentleman, welcome aboard. I'm Jenny; I'll be your hostess for the day. DEADEYE starts to sing the theme for "The Love Boat". BUCKY: Calm down, Deadeye, save that for the bar! They walk up the gangplank, and are greeted by the FIRST OFFICER, a FEMALE GIRAFFE in a smart cream uniform. GIRAFFE: (Hispanic Accent) Welcome aboard the Stellar Rose. I'm Ursula, your First Officer for the voyage. Are you Captain O' Hare and company? BUCKY: That's right, we have our tickets. They all present their tickets, and URSULA looks them over before pulling out two keys. She hands one to BUCKY and the other to DEADEYE. URSULA: These are your room keys. You, Captain O' Hare will be sharing with Miss Jenny, and Miss Farrell will be sharing with Mr. Deadeye. WILLY: What about me? URSULA: (Checks her notebook) Mr. DuWitt, you're in Cabin 4 on C Deck. Your shipmate is already there. WILLY: (Uneasy) Erm, thanks? URSULA: Lunch will be in the First Class Dining Room at 12:00 standard Genus time. You'll see it signposted. We also have a bar and a disco hall if you're interested. Just contact me or any of the crewmembers if you have trouble finding them. BUCKY: Thanks, but right now I'd like to get settled. SCENE FOUR Cabin 6, C Deck, Stellar Rose NATALIE and DEADEYE are unpacking their things and placing them neatly in the drawers and the wardrobe. As DEADEYE watches NATALIE placing some dresses in the wardrobe, he tries to feel around in his suitcase for his things, but accidentally pulls a brassiere from Natalie's case. NATALIE laughs when she sees DEADEYE dropping it in disgust. NATALIE: You know you're the first person who hasn't been rummaging through my stuff for my money! DEADEYE: (Blushes) I was looking for my boxers...I mean briefs! I mean...oh! As he falters, NATALIE chuckles again. NATALIE: Don't worry about it, Deadeye. I'm sure it can't be any worse than whoever Willy's been set up with. SCENE FIVE Cabin 4, C Deck, Stellar Rose WILLY politely knocks on the door before entering. No one answers his knock, and he quietly walks in and softly shuts the door. He can hear a heavenly voice humming in the next room, and as he gets ready to unpack his suitcase, he is startled when FELICIA moves in from the next room. Both shriek at the sight of one another. FELICIA & WILLY: (In unison) What are you...you mean...you're my roommate? FELICIA: This certainly is a surprise Willy DuWitt, I wasn't expecting you to share a room with me. WILLY: (Gulps) So, you got an invitation to? FELICIA: Yes, I was one of few within the Sisterhood who received such an invitation. The only other being Master Jenny. There is a moment's pause between the two. WILLY: So, err, I guess I'll find another room if you're unh... FELICIA: (Shrieks) Willy, wait! You're the first person outside the Sisterhood I can trust. I learnt that when you saved me from that Quark a while back. So please, for my sake, please don't go. WILLY closes the door, feeling very uncomfortable. LATER THAT DAY... The Stellar Rose has set sail, and slowly pulls away from Genus. Because of the deserted location, nobody except the spaceport crew give the ship a send-off. JENNY and BUCKY watch the ship moving off from their windows. JENNY: Well, we're off at last. BUCKY: Might as well make the most of the voyage, I suppose. I just can't understand why we were just given those tickets without a proper... He is interrupted by an announcement over the radios. CAPTAIN: (Over radio, Canadian Accent) Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Melissa Carmilla welcoming you aboard the Stellar Rose on our maiden voyage to the Occultas Galaxy and back. If you look to the right-hand side of the ship, you will see a magnificent view of the Lobster Nebula. BUCKY: We entered Sector 21 that fast? It usually takes the Righteous double that amount of time! Meanwhile, FELICIA and WILLY are also listening to the announcements. CAPTAIN: And for any couples on the ship, we have a wonderful indoor garden situated to the front of B-Deck. FELICIA: (Grabs Willy's arm) Come on, Willy! I just love plants! WILLY: (Gulps) Well, okay. He is dragged away by FELICIA, while the wardrobe swings open after the door is slammed shut. Out of the wardrobe stumble FRIX and FRAX, covered in clothes. FRAX in particular is wearing one of FELICIAS' brassieres. FRIX: Now, the Air Marshal said that we should find a deck-plan around here somewhere. He told us to get to the bridge. FRAX: Well it sure wasn't in the closet! FRIX: We'll probably find one on the way up. C'mon, lets get our costumes and get going. FRAX: (Adjusting brassiere) Say, Frix, do you think this is my size? SCENE SIX Bridge, The Stellar Rose CAPTAIN MELISSA CARMILLA, a white hare in a posh suit, is overlooking space as the ship moves forward. At her side is URSULA, who has her mind elsewhere. MELISSA: Mrs. Roe, are you alright? URSULA: What? Oh, yes Captain. I'm sorry; I was miles away. MELISSA: Not to worry, it's probably the aura of this sector of space. It brings about varied feelings in all of us. URSULA: It feels a privilege to have Captain O' Hare on our ship, though. MELISSA: Not forgetting his crew. I believe that a voyage with them will be one to remember. OUTSIDE THE BRIDGE... DEADEYE and NATALIE are watching through the glass dome the Lobster Nebula rush by as they relax on the Poop Deck. DEADEYE suddenly gets nervous. DEADEYE: Say, erm, Natalie ol' girl, there's a... NATALIE: What's the matter, Deadeye? DEADEYE: Well...it be like this, lass. You've been a great lass to me durin' the time we've known each other, and erm... He pulls a magnificent and expensive-looking ring from his pocket. NATALIE looks at it in awe. DEADEYE: Just a wee thank you present for all the good times we've had. She slips on the ring, and looks at it with sheer surprise. NATALIE: (Playfully) You know, Deadeye. Where I'm from, rings are often a token of love. And since I've known you, I think it's time I gave you a token seeing as you have already done so. DEADEYE: (Nervous) W...What d'ya mean, lass? NATALIE pulls DEADEYE towards her, and his beak brushes with her lips. DEADEYE feels uneasy at first, but falls into the kiss with ease, wrapping all four arms around her. An announcement on the ships' loudspeaker breaks the couple apart. MELISSA: (Over radio) This is your captain speaking, and I have a special request for First Mate Jenny on behalf of Captain O' Hare. Some lively folk music begins to play. DEADEYE still looks a little abashed, but NATLAIE is now more concentrated on the music. NATALIE: Aldebaran music, I'll never get into it, I'm afraid. DEADEYE: No, but I know what I've just gotten into, lass! He pulls her into another kiss. This time it is his turn to embrace NATALIE, and she wraps her own arms around his muscular body. SCENE SEVEN The Indoor Garden, B Deck, The Stellar Rose FELICIA and WILLY are walking around the garden while the music starts to play. As they have been inside a greenhouse for most of this time, they did not hear MELISSA'S announcement. FELICIA however looks delighted. FELICIA: (Gasps with excitement) The Might of Edward the Eveready! This is my favourite tune on Aldebaran! WILLY: Glad you like it so much (?) FELICIA stops dancing around and pulls a stern face. FELICIA: (Seriously) Wait a minute, I know what's going on! WILLY: (Scared) Felicia, I don't know what's wrong, but... FELICIA: (Merrily) You asked them to play the song for me, didn't you? Willy DuWitt, you are one amazing outsider! WILLY: But how could I ask them to... FELICIA: (Hugs Willy) Don't be modest, Willy. I too hold feelings for you, and I understand why you went through all that trouble! WILLY gets tongue-tied after FELICIA hugs him, and starts to blush. While FELICIA isn't looking, he picks up a set of flowers from behind FELICIA and tries to make them look like a bouquet. WILLY: (Goofily) Erm...surprise? FELICIA: Elub-bells! I adore these plants! They're a bit on the droopy side, but they're still beautiful! Thank you very much, Willy DuWitt. And now, I must give you something in return. WILLY: Gosh! I don't need anything! FELICIA: It's not something of need, Willy, it is of a gift. And here is my gift from me to you that cannot be shared with anyone else. WILLY: Well, why not? FELICIA: (Smiles) You'll see why when you receive it. Close your eyes, and hold out your hands. WILLY obeys. FELICIA puts the flowers down on the bench and gives WILLY a passionate kiss, while placing her hands in WILLY'S. WILLY blushes fiercely, and tries his best to try and ease in, but everything is too forward for him. She eventually lets go after a while. WILLY: (A bit angry) What was that for? FELICIA: For being such a good friend to me, the music and the flowers are probably the beginning of something greater between you and I! WILLY: Felicia, you have to understand. I have to lead a double life so that my parents don't find out about what happens when I'm helping Bucky! Besides, I think we shouldn't jump straight ahead into anything, I think it would be better if we tried to get to know each other first. FELICIA: (Hurt) So, you don't love me back, Willy? Is that it? WILLY: (Sighs) I do love you, but as a friend. If you and I were to have something between us, I'd want to feel comfortable about it myself. Over in a nearby bush, FRIX and FRAX, now dressed as Panther waiters, are listening in on them. FRIX: Some people have all the luck! FRAX: Yeah, the last time I remember having a girlfriend was...wait! I never had a girlfriend! FRIX: Quit fooling around, we need to find that wretched Captain and fry some fur! They both walk off, looking quite casual. SCENE EIGHT The Bridge, Stellar Rose MELISSA is up on deck with BUCKY and JENNY, with a large spiral galaxy dead ahead. The galaxy is enveloped in an eerie blue mist, and is a fair distance away. MELISSA: There it is, the Occultas Galaxy. This is the nearest we can get I'm afraid. The natives are a little paranoid about outsiders. JENNY: It is understandable, from what Vice-Admiral Raven tells me. FRIX and FRAX appear from behind them, and BUCKY gets suspicious. MELISSA: Isn't it a little early to be serving dinner, gentlemen? FRIX: We're not here to serve dinner! We're here to... FRAX quickly elbows FRIX in the stomach and clears his throat. FRAX: He means, Captain, that we aren't here to serve any food. BUCKY: (Trying to recognize the voices) But you're stewards, you must serve something! FRIX: We do! We serve death warrants! They rip off their disguises and pull out their pistols. BUCKY: (Yawns) Now I know the Toads are getting desperate. FRAX: (Tries to sound fierce) Desperate? What do you mean, mammal? JENNY: Well, surely KOMPLEX wouldn't be stupid enough to send you two to capture Bucky? FRIX: (Laughs) We're not here to capture Bucky O' Hare! BUCKY & JENNY: (Dumbfounded) What?! FRAX: (Points to Melissa) We're here to capture her! She's a Toad Agent trying to act nice! MELISSA: KOMPLEX threw all my work back in his face! That is why I left! FRIX: Well, you're going to leave now, and you'll never come back! URSULA knocks their heads together behind them, and they fall unconscious. JENNY: Well done, Ursula! She begins to tie them up, and BUCKY looks at MELISSA sternly. BUCKY: You'd better tell us what they meant about a Toad Spy. MELISSA: (Calmly) Well, I did it in spite of the previous M&O manager, who was short-paying us and making us quadruple our output. The strikes were getting nowhere, and I earned more money by passing on information. BUCKY: (Raises an eyebrow) Such as? MELISSA: What was available really. VIP lists, addresses and so forth. But when he invaded Warren...and slayed my family, I...I felt like I'd been stabbed in the back. I sought refuge on Genus and carried on working for M&O as usual. That was about two years ago, and I haven't spoken of it since. BUCKY: Well that explains why they wanted to kill you, but why send two incompetent Toads to do KOMPLEXS' dirty work? COMPUTER: (Staccato) Warning: Security breach in guidance systems. Ship altering course to 2-4-9-0 Red, set and hold. The ship is slowly and surely being driven off-course towards Fireball XL1 parked nearby. BUCKY: (Flicks on radio) This is Bucky O' Hare calling Commodore Zerox. Come in, Zerox. He gets no reply from Fireball XL1. JENNY: (Furious) Why don't they answer? SCENE NINE Fireball XL1 Inside the ship, CLARA ZEROX and ZAKARIA ZEROX are repairing the nutomic reactors and the motors. The radio frequency has been switched to play some jaunty pop music. ZAKARIA looks at a piece of machinery and frowns. ZAKARIA: Good grief! She's had a complete overhaul at Space City, and she still isn't working! We came here to give a report and we're giving the XL1 an overhaul! CLARA: You know Jock; the poor man has too much on his mind at the moment to repair the ship fully! SCENE TEN Bridge, Stellar Rose BUCKY, MELISSA and JENNY are tugging hard at the helm to try and move it, but it is frozen into position. MELISSA: (Lets go) The rudders' been magnetized! It would take a berserker baboon to unfreeze it! BUCKY: And Bruiser wasn't invited on the trip! WILLY: (From behind) You don't have Bruiser, but you have me! He grabs hold of the helm and with his superior human strength, the helm breaks free and the Stellar Rose breaks free before it can hit Fireball XL1. BUCKY: (Wipes his brow) That was close! Well done, Willy! MELISSA: I'll stop the ship and get some engineers to dismantle the electromagnets. JENNY: You realize that we'll have to arrest you for past actions, Captain. MELISSA: (Smiles) That's fine by me, it's good to stop hiding at last. URSULA: (To Bucky) I'm sorry to interrupt, but if we leave the motors switched off for so long, it'll take at least another 12 hours to get on the move again. ZAKARIA: (Over radio) Then perhaps we can be of assistance? Sorry to have scared you all, but we ran into a technical hitch. We should be done in about 30 minutes if you like. BUCKY: That's all the time we need, Zak! 30 minutes, it is! As WILLY leaves the bridge, FELICIA comes up with a little grin. She makes no advances on WILLY, but just stares. FELICIA: (Softly) You...You saved us all. WILLY: (Embarrassed) Yeah, I guess it was pretty cool. Erm...Felicia, I'm sorry about snapping at you, and... FELICIA: No, I'm the one who should apologize. I shouldn't have made everything too forward. So, sorry. Now we're even. WILLY: Well, we've got about an hour until we return to Genus, so if you'd like to spend some time in the garden, then I'm OK with that. WILLY places his arm around FELICIAS' waist, and she does likewise with his shoulder as they both look out over space around them. THE END