“Franken-Leghorn” By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE - The La Wren Residence, Outside Capitol City, Genus The lodge is on a mountain side, overlooking the city and the suburbs that surround it. In some aspects, it looks like a Swiss cottage, complete with stone fireplace and largely-wooden decoration. In the bedroom, LT. F. LEGHORN is sitting up, half-naked, doodling on a notepad while SOPHIA LA WREN lies asleep beside him. LEGHORN: (Thinks) < Face it, man. You're weird. One minute, you're staring at the pearly gates, and the next you're in bed with a film star from the Animal Kingdom. And then you go back even further in your life...Not even worth talking about. > He stops doodling. On it is a drawing of Fireball XL6 with a little stick-man in a fishbowl-helmet standing beside it. As SOPHIA stirs, LEGHORN quickly flips it over and begins to play Hangman with himself. SOPHIA opens one eye sleepily and smiles. SOPHIA: (Yawns) Morning, big guy. LEGHORN: (Jumps slightly) Morning, Sophia. Sleep well? SOPHIA: If you can call it sleep. (Sits up) What are you doing, writing a little love poem? LEGHORN: (Smiles) No, no. I just scribble any old rubbish when I'm bored. SOPHIA: Yes, but one person's rubbish is another person's treasure, don't forget. (Hugs him) It's such a shame that you have to go on full- time duty in the morning. LEGHORN: (Accepting the embrace) Don't you worry your little beak, sweetheart. I'll make sure that I call you when I can, providing I haven't got the Paparazzi down my throat! SOPHIA giggles, and LEGHORN gets up, walking towards the shower. He is wearing nothing but a pair of polka-dot underpants that appear a little baggy for him. SCENE TWO - The O'Hare Residence, Capitol City BUCKY wakes up and scratches his sides gently. His eyelids are still heavy, and he bumps into the doorframe on his way to the kitchen. After making some toast, he flicks on the TV whilst eating his breakfast. On it is a crummy Z-Movie reminiscent of Ed Wood, featuring a MAD SCIENTIST (a hare), in a mock-up laboratory similar to those seen in Frankenstein films. MAD SCIENTIST: (On TV) At last! After all of these years working and toiling, I have finally created the perfect mammal! Once I throw the switch, she shall be mine! He throws the switch, and some crude special effects flare across the screen. As this happens, BUCKY moves to answer the phone, which has been ringing for a while. BUCKY: Hello? RYGAR: (Over phone) Bucky, it's Rygar. We've got a situation at the hospital. Any chance that you could get over here? BUCKY: What's the trouble? RYGAR: I'll tell you when you get here. You don't know who's listening, but for the moment, let's just say it's about Lieutenant X. BUCKY needs to hear no more, and quickly gets dressed before leaving, and leaves the TV playing to itself, just as the film comes to a break. TV: The Z-Movie Network will return to "Robin Hood meets Doctor Moreau" after these messages. SCENE THREE - Watership Hospital, Genus DR. KENNER is escorting BUCKY and FLEET-ADMIRAL RYGAR BLADE down the wards towards a private room filled with five beds, of which four are full. KENNER: (As they walk) We had a word with the Stores department, and some bungling idiot has messed up the supplies for our Plastic Surgery cases! He opens the door of the private room, where three patients lie asleep. One is a SQUIRREL, the second a QUAIL and the third a TIGER. KENNER: These three were the first to be administered with the botched supply. It didn't harm them, but made the plastic surgery only temporary. (Points to SQUIRREL) She was to have a facelift, but it reverted after three days. (Points to QUAIL) He wanted a sex change, but has reclaimed almost everything he once had. RYGAR: (Points to TIGER) And what about him? KENNER: A nosejob, but it evidently didn't work. He shuts the door, and the three begin to talk. RYGAR: Doctor, exactly how many people have been treated with this chemical? KENNER: Only four, which is why I called you. The fourth is Lt. Leghorn, and unless he gets to hospital in one hour, the treatment will begin to reverse and he'll change back into the you-know-what! BUCKY: (Sighs) Do you have any idea who mixed up the supplies? KENNER: Some stupid idiot in Storage, like I said! He's been dismissed, I can assure you! RYGAR: (Grasps KENNER by the arms) Doctor, we'll need his address at all costs! Nobody accidentally mixes up medical supplies! KENNER: He lives on Traction Avenue, some guy called Cameron! RYGAR and BUCKY quickly run out of the Hospital, leaving KENNER panicky and shaky. SCENE FOUR - The La Wren Residence LT. F. LEGHORN is now dressed in his uniform and ready to leave. As he is midway out of the door, SOPHIA quickly stops him. SOPHIA: Wait a minute, soldier! You've forgotten something! LEGHORN: (Gasps) Oh, no! Don't tell me I left my security pass in the shower! SOPHIA: (Grins) No no no, big boy, I'm talking about this! She gives him a kiss on the cheek and wraps her arms around his neck. LEGHORN returns the favour and looks down at SOPHIA with a smile. LEGHORN: You sure know how to surprise a guy, don't you? SOPHIA: Just hurry back from the warzone, eh, Frankie boy? I might get lonely and decide to join up! LEGHORN laughs and gives her a hearty farewell. He heads towards a jeep waiting for him outside and sits down for the journey downhill. SCENE FIVE - Traction Avenue, the outskirts of Capitol City RYGAR'S staff-car pulls up at a sleazy trailer park in the midst of a barren wasteland that marks the city limits. Besides two teenage PANTHERS listening to loud hip-hop on the lawn of one trailer, the place is otherwise deserted. BUCKY and RYGAR alight and begin marching towards one of the trailers. RYGAR: He'd better be in, for his sake (!) He hammers on the door, and a half-asleep HARE walks up. He is wearing nothing but a string-vest and a pair of shorts. He panics at the sight of RYGAR and is about to slam the door when BUCKY slams it back open and clamps him hard against the wall. BUCKY: Alright, Cameron! What did you do at Watership Hospital! CAMERON: (Panics) I...I didn't mean to, I swear it! RYGAR: (Snarls) Cameron, I'm a tiger, and it's been a long time since these teeth have felt rabbit flesh! If you don't want to feel how sharp they are, I suggest you start talking! BUCKY is quite shocked at this threat, but more because of RYGAR'S threat rather than the rabbit-flesh remark. He relaxes his grip on CAMERON slightly, but only slightly. CAMERON: I...I...I was caught by this guy the night before. He...he said he knew somebody called Rubin, a...and told me if I didn't do what he told me, I'd...I'd end up having my insides removed, wi...without any sleeping gas. BUCKY lets him go, and he follows RYGAR back to the staff-car. They begin talking as they walk. BUCKY: Obviously, Rubin's got a huge crime network all over Genus. RYGAR: Yes, and now that we have him, he's getting his agents to try and play havoc with us. And unless I can justify a huge security link to the media, all we can do is try and reach Leghorn before anything happens. They both get into the car, which drives off toward the La Wren Residence. However, from another road, the jeep drives past, missing the staff-car altogether. SCENE SIX - Genus Control Centre In the Officer's Mess, JENNY has sat down to a small meal and is tucking in nicely. As she eats, she overhears COLONEL RAUL MEW and LT. F. LEGHORN speaking at the table behind her. LEGHORN: ...so I'm going to get myself a disguise kit on the way back, only Sophia *insists* that I get something close to Splash Gordon! RAUL: (Laughs) You're a lucky man, y'know, Lieutenant. There are thousands of men on this planet drooling at posters of Sophia La Wren on their bedroom walls, and she's got you tied around her little finger! LEGHORN: You're lucky too, Raul. You don't meet a woman like Mimi every day of the week! (Looks at his watch) I'll be back in a minute. He gets up and enters the restroom. JENNY'S eyes follow him as he enters, but no sooner has he left, a klaxon blares around the tower, and the emergency shutters slam closed over the main doors. Several GUARDS begin stomping around, looking for something, and then reporting back to CORPORAL RICHARD NASS, who appears to be in charge of the situation. JENNY: (Standing up) Nass, what's going on? NASS: (Quietly) Orders of Admiral Blade, Jenny. Lt. Leghorn is suffering from a strain of Ortese River Fever and needs to be quarantined. It's not contagious, but I don't want to cause any more panic than we've alread got. JENNY: Well, he's just in that restroom, over there! NASS: Thanks! (To Guards) Alright, men! Search that restroom! The begin to converge on the restroom and slowly make their way in. INSIDE THE RESTROOM... LT. F. LEGHORN is washing his face, unaware of the commotion. However, as he rubs his face, he notices some of his feathers are falling out, and that the custard-like plastic on his face is beginning to melt. He panics as his Toad self begins to resurface, and his feathers begin to drop out at a faster rate. As the GUARDS begin to enter the Restroom, LEGHORN'S fears raise and leaps out of an open window. The GUARDS give chase, but quickly lose track of him. LEGHORN: (Quietly) I have to get out of here! He runs off down several side-streets, leaving a trail of half-melted plastic and tattered feathers as he goes. Once he is well out of sight, one of the GUARDS spots this trail. GUARD #1: Look, men! He's left us a path! They begin to follow it around the city, but the trail suddenly halts in the middle of an alley. GUARD #2: Ah, great! He stopped moulting right here! GUARD #1: Look again, soldier. He points ahead, where a road appears ahead. There are no buildings on this road, but in some deserted land outside the city is a run-down, wooden windmill, and a small path leading to it through the field has fresh footprints embedded in the mud. GUARD #2: Shall we rush him? GUARD #1: (Cautiously) No. He's too jumpy, and that thing's too fragile, plus I don't wanna take my chances with that Ortese River Fever, whatever the hell that is. (Pause) We're gonna need some backup on this one. SCENE SEVEN - UAC Admiralty On the other side of the city, RYGAR is speaking on a phone, and BUCKY is pacing about in front of his desk. RYGAR: (Into phone) What?! Why didn't you stop him, Corporal?! (calms down) Yes...yes, I suppose he would be in that state...a windmill? What about it? ... Oh, I see...yes, I see the problem... Yes, I'll be around right away. He hangs up and stands up, pulling his hat from the hat-rack by the wall. RYGAR: (To Bucky) It looks like your story of Ortese River Fever did the trick, Captain. The Lieutenant has taken shelter in an old windmill outside the city limits, but everyone's too scared of infection to go anywhere near it. BUCKY: Do we know if he's armed? RYGAR: Thankfully not, but we do need to stop him before he hurts himself. The phone rings again, and RYGAR scoops it up in his paw. RYGAR: Yes? ...What?! When? ... Alright, thank you! He hangs up again and marches out to the Staff-Car, with BUCKY in tow. RYGAR: Captain, Lugs Rubin has just escaped from jail, and he was last seen heading south of the Control Centre! BUCKY: But, there's no buildings south of Genus Control he can hide in, except for... RYGAR & BUCKY: (In unison) The windmill! They both quickly run out, and the staff-car drives off with it's tyres squealing against the concrete. SCENE EIGHT - The Windmill An enormous cordon has been placed around the windmill in a roughly 400-yard radius. THE GUARDS are holding back the Media reporters, and CORPORAL NASS is looking directly at the windmill with JENNY and COMMANDER DOGSTAR at his side. DOGSTAR: Are you sure this Ortese whatever-it-is is contagious, old boy? Only, if it wasn't, why all the security? NASS: Even if he is unarmed, Commander, he still could cause some damage to himself in that building. It's falling to pieces, and one good sneeze would be enough to send it tumbling. JENNY: What time will Bucky and the Admiral be here? NASS: They said about ten minutes or so, but they might get held up by the Decontamination Unit. Whatever that lumpy stuff was the Lieutenant was dropping, I don't want to have an epidemic on my hands, even if it does hold up traffic! As they speak, nobody notices a small trail of earth moving towards the windmill, as though something is burrowing beneath the surface. LUGS RUBIN emerges from the trail in the windmill's shadow, and sneaks in while NASS and the others are distracted. INSIDE THE WINDMILL... The windmill is tattered and old. The woodwork is rotting to the point of total disintegration, and there are mouldy bags of flour left to rot in one corner. As RUBIN enters, the floorboards creak violently. He peers through a gaping hole in the wall and sneers at the cordon. RUBIN: What a bunch of maroons! That should teach them not to let a rabbit into the exercise yard! (Laughs) What a bunch of idiots! He hears a tin can rattling somewhere on a platform above him, which is accessible only by a ladder. RUBIN slowly makes his way towards the ladder, but a voice calls out to him. LEGHORN: (From a corner of the platform) I fancy that I am the spider and you are the fly, Rubin. I know why you did this, and I know what you want. RUBIN: (Sharply) All I want is a decent living, pal! (Pause) What do you mean by that? Are you offering something? LEGHORN: I would've thought that you had deliberately sabotaged the surgery of a UAC officer for certain information that would no doubt please your Toad benefactors. RUBIN: You mean like the fact that you're still around? Or are we talking about a copy of the satellite defence codes? LEGHORN: I'm referring to the latter, Rubin. I wrote down such things in my diary, so that I wouldn't talk under torture. That diary is somewhere in this windmill, and the game is for you to get it. RUBIN makes his way towards the bags of flour, but LEGHORN, who has now transformed back into a Toad altogether, emerges from his corner and hurls an oil lantern at the bags. These bags, which have been doused with gasoline, instantly catch fire, and RUBIN leaps back to avoid the backdraft. LEGHORN: (Smirks) Wrong corner. RUBIN leaps forward to attack him, but LEGHORN emerges fully, and reveals that he is easily defended with a hatchet that has rusted slightly. LEGHORN: You must choose between the flames and the police, Rubin. RUBIN tries another corner, and while LEGHORN descends from the ladder, the fire quickly spreads to the woodwork, and is beginning to encircle the two of them. RUBIN succeeds in finding the diary, and tears out a blank page at the back, setting it alight with a small flame from the growing inferno. LEGHORN is about to strike with the hatchet, but RUBIN pushes the burning paper into LEGHORN'S eyes, temporarily blinding him. LEGHORN: (Screaming) Aaarrgh! OUTSIDE... The fire has begun to spread onto the exterior of the windmill, and begins to engulf the sails. The crowd gasps in shock, and some begin to retreat in horror. NASS is quick to react, and moves over to a RADIO OPERATIVE working behind the cordon. NASS: (Firmly) Get the City Fire Department, and hurry! Virus or not, we've got one of our men trapped in there! JENNY: (Pointing) Look! Isn't that Lugs Rubin?! They notice RUBIN attempting to flee from the windmill. DOGSTAR: Bless my soul! Where the devil did he come from? LEGHORN stumbles out, just as a burning sail collapses, blocking RUBIN'S escape. In an attempt to move around, he runs into the arms of LEGHORN, who picks up RUBIN and carries him on his shoulder, and faces the windmill entrance. His clothes are smoking fiercely, but he continues to walk in regardless. Burning debris falls all around them, hemming them into the centre of the windmill that remains untouched by the fire. As the fire roars fiercely, RUBIN begins to shriek and howl in agony. RUBIN: (Yelps) NO! NOO! NO, FRANK! NO! The whole top section of the windmill caves in over them, and the spectators leap back as the noise rumbles around them. DOGSTAR: Good lord! There's no way anybody could escape that! NASS: I wonder though, did Lt. Leghorn kill himself and Rubin because he was brave enough to risk his own life, or cowardly enough to throw the rest of it away? JENNY frowns slightly at NASS, but says nothing, and continues to watch the rest of the windmill burn into nothingness. The whole incident is over just in time for RYGAR and BUCKY to see the damage done. SCENE NINE - A Cemetary, several weeks later Two fresh graves have been recently filled in. One is situated in a shady spot of the churchyard, and reads: Lugs Aloysius Rubin 3199 - 3226 Whilst the other reads: Lieutenant Franklin Nathaniel Leghorn 3185 - 3226 He died a Hero This grave is placed directly alongside the grave of Lt. Andrew Norris (although this one is merely placed in for show). SOPHIA LA WREN, who is clad in black, mourns over the grave of her loved one, when BUCKY arrives. BUCKY: (Softly) I'm...I'm sorry for all of this. SOPHIA: Why? You're not the one who drove him to it. BUCKY: No, I mean I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this. SOPHIA: I know he was leading a double-life, but it's trying to hide that fact that I find the hardest to deal with. BUCKY: Maybe, but remember that it wasn't the name who made him what he was, it was the person himself. He walks off, leaving SOPHIA to look down at the graves as she contemplates this. THE END