"Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars" Fanfic FERO DESTORYS THE ANIVERSE!!! By Fero McPiglet First draft 8/13/99 Edited by Rygar 4/14/01 In the aniverse, the Righteous Indignation is flying aimlessly in deep space. BUCKY's at the captain's chair, DEADEYE is at a table, and JENNY is standing with her back towards both of them. BUCKY (leans back on his chair and sighs contentedly) Ah, this is the life. No worries, no problems, no nothing. DEADEYE This is boring. Deadeye arm-wrestles with himself. He's actually winning. JENNY (glances backwards and frowns) Will you guys keep quiet! I'm concentrating on keeping secrets from you guys. BUCKY Aw, we don't care about that. Do we, Deadeye? DEADEYE (he wins again) Nope. JENNY (faces the others with hands on her hips) Humph! Just because you guys don't have any secrets and mysteries to occupy every waking moment of your life doesn't mean you can bum around doing nothing. BUCKY What you have just said is totally wrong. JENNY Huh? BUCKY It's true. I've got a secret that keeps me occupied and it tells me that I can just bum around. JENNY (smirks) Oh really? BUCKY (sits up) Yeah. See, we're the good guys, right? I believe that since we're good guys, we'll still win, whatever we do. I mean, the Toad Empire can throw anything at us and no matter how big it is or how complicated or how dangerous, it's still going to fail. Good always triumphs over evil. We'll always win, no matter what. I can just twitch my ear... (Bucky twitches an ear) ...And 'poof!' our enemy's gone. It means I can do absolutely nothing and still come out on top in the end. JENNY (folds her arms in front of her) Interesting philosophy, Bucky. Do you have any proof? BUCKY Yeah. On some of our adventures, the toad machines seem to break apart at the most opportune times. Jenny coughs quietly and looks away. Deadeye, who was listening in, pipes up. DEADEYE Oh yeah? What about Bruce? He got sucked into another dimension. BUCKY (waves his hands) Who cares about Bruce? I hated him and his holier-than-thou attitude! I was going to fire him, except the photon accelerator got to him first. Anyway, we got Willy in exchange, didn't we? He's the best thing that ever came into our life. JENNY Hey! I thought I was the best thing to come into your life! BUCKY Well, maybe, but you're just a pilot. Willy creates all these brilliant inventions that save our lives each and every time. WILLY suddenly floats in front of the windshield outside the frigate. He waves at the guys inside. WILLY There! It's done! BUCKY What's done? WILLY Well, since we had all this time to ourselves, I decided to make myself useful and add the one thing missing in the Righteous Indignation that's very important to our transportation back in my universe! BUCKY Seatbelts? You installed seatbelts? WILLY Nope! I installed... windshield wipers! Willy whips out a small device and presses a button. Wipers squeak over the windshield, making it nice and clean. WILLY Now space dust will never bother our visibility again! See, it even squirts soap! Willy presses another button and a stream of suds is shot from a nozzle. Now the windshield is sparklingly wet. BUCKY Uh, right. Thanks Willy. Willy beams and boards the frigate. He hangs his space helmet on BLINKY's head and puts his device on the console. WILLY Here, you shrimp. Hold this. JENNY (dramatically puts her hands on her forehead and concentrates) Captain, my mysterious Aldeberan senses warn me that someone is approaching! DEADEYE (jostles Jenny) Ha! That doesn't tell us anything. *My* not-so-mysterious and less-pretentious sense of smell tells that someone is approaching too. BRUISER walks into the room. BRUISER Oh, sorry. DEADEYE Not you! It's a stinking sleezasaur! Everybody crowds at the scanner and sees a flying cruiser. The video feed zooms and they see AL NEGATOR looking at them. Everybody scrambles to their positions. Bucky sits at the captain's chair, Jenny at the pilot's seat, Deadeye at the gunner's port, Bruiser sits on the floor and plays with his toes, Blinky transforms into a chair and Willy sits on him. The toilet is still free. BUCKY Battle stations everybody! Let's croak Toa - JENNY Uh, Bucky, Negator's not a toad. BUCKY Um, all right then. We need a new battle cry. Let's croak Crocs! How's that? JENNY Well, we can't croak crocs. It has to be something to do with killing crocs. BUCKY Hmm, okay I got it! Let's make handbags! How's that sound? JENNY Pretty good, I suppose. BUCKY All right! Everybody, all together now! One... two... EVERYBODY (cries in unison) *Let's make handbags*! BUCKY Now we're ready to fight. Looks at the scanner. There's nothing there. BUCKY Huh? Where's he go? Negator materializes out of nowhere. NEGATOR Hi you guys... Everybody appears on the deck, brandishing a weapon at his face. NEGATOR Uh, look you guys, I'm no longer a bad guy, I'm a good guy now. DEADEYE Oh yeah? How do we know we could trust you? Negator takes out his official reformation card and passes it around. Everybody takes a good look at it. It says "Official Good Guy" printed in big red letters. NEGATOR I was eating my Wheaties and I found the darn card in the box. Now I have to be a good guy! BUCKY (handing the card back) Okay, we believe you. What are you doing here? NEGATOR I came to warn you that the toads are out to get you. BUCKY Duh. That's nothing new. NEGATOR Well, they've mobilized their entire fleet of double-bubbles! The reason why you haven't been bothered by any toads lately is because they've been preparing to attack in one fell swoop! And they're about to attack... (checks his wrist watch) ...right... about... now. A sound of blaster fire is heard. Everybody looks at the scanner and sees millions and billions of double-bubbles on screen. The double-bubbles surround the Righteous Indignation in circular formation. BRUISER My goodness! There's a total of 9,731,846,251,597,532,648 double bubbles out there! BUCKY Amazing! DEADEYE Yeah, who'da thought that Bruiser could count that high? NEGATOR Whoops! Gotta go! Negator dematerializes. Everybody stares at Bucky, waiting for orders. BUCKY Battle stations everybody! *Let's make handbags*! JENNY Uh, captain? BUCKY What? JENNY Wrong battle cry. BUCKY Oh yeah. Um, *let's croak toads*! TOAD (in comm-link) Attention puny mammals! We outnumber you 9,731,846,251,597,532,648 to 1. Surrender! BUCKY Never! TOAD Then *die!* The double-bubbles blaster ports glow red as they prepare to fire. BUCKY Activate the warp drive! The Righteous Indignation whisks into hyperspace. The double-bubbles have started firing and, without a target to aim at, they shoot themselves instead. Only two-thirds of 9,731,846,251,597,532,648 are left functional. JENNY That's quick thinking, captain... BUCKY Thanks Jenny. Go on, heap more praises on me. You know I can't get enough of hearing you fawn and marvel at my brilliance. JENNY But the remaining double-bubbles have traced our jump into hyperspace. They'll catch up in seconds! BUCKY That's okay. We'll get them. JENNY How? BUCKY I've set the course to the Police Planet Torus. We'll be safe there. JENNY The Police Planet Torus? BUCKY That's what I said. JENNY But what good is that?! You know that the police officers on Police Planet Torus have all grown fat and stupid and are no help at all! Besides, the toads decimated them years ago. There's nobody left on the planet but the planet. BUCKY I know. The Righteous Indignation warps out of hyperspace, right at the center of the donut shaped planet. It was the perfect planet for the Police People. BUCKY Everybody make it okay? BRUISER We're okay. Except for Willy. He's suffering from whiplash. Willy swears a blue streak. BUCKY All right, now if my calculations are correct... WILLY Hey! That's my line! I get to do the calculations around here! BLINKY What about me? You keep asking me about what's this and what's that. WILLY Shut up, you little twerp. BUCKY All right then, now if my senses are correct... JENNY Hey! That's my line! I get to do those mystic extrasensory senses thing around here! BUCKY Fine! All right, if my intuition is correct... JENNY Nope, can't use that either. BUCKY What?! But intuition is not a magical thing! JENNY Of course it is. It's Woman's Intuition: the mystery all men can never unravel. BUCKY Well, I dressed in drag once. I deserve some intuition! JENNY Oh, all right. BUCKY Finally. Now if my intuition is correct... Pauses and waits for any interruptions. BUCKY ...the toad double-bubbles will exit hyperspace surrounding us... They hear the sound of double-bubbles exiting hyperspace. BUCKY ...and will crash on the plant instead! They hear screams and shouts as the toad double-bubbles materialize on the donut shaped planet's surface. Instantly, two-thirds of the 9,731,846,251,597,532,648 double-bubbles are decimated. Bucky laughs maniacally every time they see an explosion. Jenny gives him a funny look. BUCKY All right! We did it! We beat the toads! We've won! Woohoo! He looks behind him and see Deadeye and Bruiser staring at him with dagger eyes. BUCKY What? What's wrong? We won! Let's celebrate! Bruiser grabs Bucky by the ears and Deadeye levels his masers on his nose. DEADEYE But you beat the toads without letting us have them! BRUISER Yeah! BUCKY But - but - but - LOUDSPEAKER VOICE It's not over yet, Bucky O'Hare! Bucky sighs with relief as everybody crowds over the scanner again. They see several blips on the screen. It's a Toad Mothership, a Toad Fathership and two little Toad Babyships. A screen opens up from the Toad Fathership and they see TOADBORG glowering at them. TOADBORG I, the great and powerful Toadborg!... Cue lightning sound effects. TOADBORG ...have evaded your puny mammal trap! Now I'm going to crush you like bugs! I'll have my revenge! Another screen opens up, this time from the Toad Mothership. It features the ugly fireplug, the AIR MARSHAL. AIR MARSHAL What about me? I should be a part of this! I'm the Air Marshal! Cue trumpet sounds. AIR MARSHAL I should have the pleasure of crushing Bucky O'Hare! A third screen opens up from the Babyships. FRIX and FRAX crowd over the screen. FRIX And don't forget about us too! FRAX Yeah! We want to help! FRIX and FRAX We're Frix and Frax! Cue kazoo noises. FRIX We want a piece of the mammals! FRAX I want Bucky's head! AIR MARSHAL Oh no, you don't! I get Bucky's head! You can have one of Deadeye's arms. FRAX Yuck! Who wants that canard's arms? I want Bucky's foot! FRIX Foot? What do you want Bucky's foot for? FRAX I hear they're very lucky... TOADBORG Hey hey hey! I'm the boss around here! I'm the one who decides who gets what! FRIX and FRAX and the AIR MARSHAL Aaaaawwww! TOADBORG Well, you can actually have any part you want, as long as I get Jenny's tail... AIR MARSHAL That's unfair! I had my eye on Jenny's tail for a long time now! FRIX and FRAX Us too! BUCKY And me too! The crew stares at Bucky. BUCKY Well, it's true... The three screens continue to argue. They overlap and start to squabble. Bucky and his crew look on in amusement. DEADEYE What a bunch of tadpoles... The three stop squabbling. AIR MARSHAL Oho! Resorting to insults, are we? Well, we'll show you! FRIX Yeah! There'll be hell to pay! FRAX What he said! TOADBORG C'mon everybody! Upside-down T formation! Bucky and crew watch as the four toad ships do complicated maneuvers that end up having the Toad Fathership over the Toad Mothership and the two little Toad Babyships at the bottom on the left and right. TOADBORG Ready? Let's *volt in*! A catchy theme song starts playing as each ship starts to transform. TOADBORG Frix, Frax. Since both of you are Toad foot soldiers, you get to *form feet and legs*! The Toad Babyships lengthen in shape and transform into powerful-looking legs and form stubby toes. The two legs attach themselves to the bottom of the Toad Mothership. TOADBORG Air Marshal, even though everybody calls you a gutless coward, you still have more gut that any single toad around. Therefore, you *form arms and body*! The Toad Mothership's top splits into two and turns into muscular arms. and the main body turns into a well defined torso. TOADBORG And I, Toadborg... Cue thunder and lightning. TOADBORG ...being the smartest, brainiest, and the most handsome, *I'll form the head*! The Toad Fathership attaches itself to the body, forming a neck. The ship opens up to show a robotic toad face. The Toad Mega Robot poses and the sun glints over its stainless steel armor. All sorts of toad weaponry pop out all over the robot, all trained at the small tiny frigate. TOADBORG Ha! What do you think of my latest invention! Then the robot's metallic mouth opens and a long tongue rolls out. It makes a raspberry. Bucky and his crew cower at the impressive display. BRUISER Are they actually going to work together this time? DEADEYE Oh lordy! I think they mean it! JENNY (tries to hug Bucky) Bucky, I'm scared! Hold me... Bucky pushes her away. BUCKY Ha! I'm not afraid of you! He shakes his fist. The Toad Mega Robot looks livid. TOADBORG What? What insolence! I'll make you pay for that! Air Marshal, weapons at the ready! AIR MARSHAL Yes! If they twitch, the sensitive sensors will blow them to kingdom come! TOADBORG Good! This is the moment! Frix, Frax, boosters on! We'll ram the Righteous Indignation! FRIX and FRAX Yes, Toadborg! Frix and Frax push at the console that controls the legs. The Toad Mega Robot lurches forward and trips over its long tongue. It somersaults out of control. TOADBORG You idiots! What have you done! FRIX It's not my fault! It's Frax's fault! FRAX No it's not! It's your fault! AIR MARSHAL Help, I'm feeling nauseous! TOADBORG *Nnnnoooooooooooooo*!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bucky and crew watch as the Toad Mega Robot slowly falls into the sun and makes a nice pleasant explosion. BUCKY (dusts his hands) Well, that's that. Anybody injured? JENNY Only Willy. He was trying to draw a schematic of the robot's interlocking parts and, when it started spinning, he got dizzy and sick. Willy vomits on the toilet. BUCKY Doesn't matter. (puts his hands on his hips) Well, guys! Looks like we've finally beaten Toadborg, the Air Marshal, and all the Stormtoads. Let's celebrate! Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a beam of green light strikes the Righteous Indignation. The crew is tossed like so much Caesar salad as all the electrical systems start to short out. BRUSIER Whut was dat? JENNY Dunno. VOICE Puny mammals! Meet your doom! The screen flickers to show the computer-generated face of KOMPLEX. Bucky and crew are caught by surprise. BUCKY Komplex?! What are you doing here? KOMPLEX Taking over your measly frigate. I have beamed my consciousness into the Righteous Indignation. I control every part of the frigate. Now, in a fitting display of irony, I will use your own vaunted machine to destroy you all! First, I'll deal with the android and the hairless baboon... Eye beams from Komplex hit Blinky. Blinky's eye suddenly turns red and he turns to Willy. Blinky's arms and legs snake out and turn into a cage that traps the human. Spikes pop out of its ceiling. WILLY Blinky! Uh, I didn't mean anything by calling you a shrimp and a twerp and all the other nasty things I said about you... BRUISER (rushes towards Komplex, waving his meaty hands in anger) Hey, stop that you! KOMPLEX As for you, your untidiness will do you in! As Bruiser runs, a mechanical hand drops a banana peel in his way. Bruiser slips on it and slides into the open closet. The door slams shut. It opens again a second later to show Bruiser's head stuck in a helmet backwards. BRUISER Aaah!! I'm blind! I'm blind! DEADEYE (draws his blasters) That's enough, you creep! Eat masers! KOMPLEX Loudmouth duck! Is this enough for you? An animated cable snakes out and plugs itself to Deadeye's headphones. It blasts white static noise straight into Deadeye's ears. Deadeye drops his guns and clutches his head. DEADEYE Country music!?! Argh!!! JENNY (she waves her arms around in mystic patterns and her gems glow) Fiend! Leave my friends alone! KOMPLEX Ah, the Aldeberan. I have a special plan for you... The air ducts open up and a warm breeze blows towards Jenny from all directions. Her long pink hair whips about everywhere. JENNY (trying to claw her way with all the flying hair) What... are... you... doing?! KOMPLEX You have such nice hair, let me fluff it up a bit... The air ducts keep blowing until Jenny is lost within her own hair and tail. When the blow drier stops, Jenny's hair is so thick and fluffed-up that she can't move. Her arms and legs stick out and she softly tumbles to the floor. JENNY Aaaaaiiieeeeee!!!!! KOMPLEX Looks like you're the only one left, Captain Bucky O'Hare. Bucky is standing by the console, looking smug. BUCKY Go ahead, Komplex. I'm prepared. Cords and cables snake out and bind Bucky to the console. The Komplex screen moves closer into his face. KOMPLEX Any last requests before I thoroughly annihilate you? BUCKY Well, I've got a question. KOMPLEX What is it? BUCKY Well, are you actually connected to the whole frigate? KOMPLEX Yes I am. BUCKY (smiles) Good. Bucky pushes a button on the device Willy left on the console a few minutes earlier. Soap suds squirt on the screen. KOMPLEX (screams in digital horror) Argh!... Water!!!... Shorting.... my circuits!!!... I'm... done... for!!! BUCKY See you later... KOMPLEX *Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh*!!!!!!!!! BUCKY Well, maybe not. The Komplex face fritzes and distorts, then completely blinks out. All the malevolent mechanical machines stop and retract. The hair dryer stops, the volume control drops, Blinky turns back to normal, and Bruiser's helmet pops out by itself. BRUISER Help! Help! I'm still blind! DEADEYE Aw, shut up Bruiser. Just open your eyes. BRUISER (blinks) Oh. BUCKY (surveying the crew) Well, looks like we've beaten everybody on the list. No more Stormtoads, no more Frix and Frax, no more Air Marshal, no more Toadborg, and no more Komplex. The Toad Wars are over! ALL Yay. Full minute of silence. BUCKY (looking at everybody) So, what do we do now? Another full minute of silence. Bucky looks at Willy. BUCKY Willy, what are you going to do? WILLY I dunno know about you guys, but I'm going home and growing up normally. Willy opens his dimensional door and steps into it. The door closes and disappears. Bucky looks at Blinky. BUCKY Blinky, what are you going to do? BLINKY I'm turning myself off. Blinky's eye closes and he slumps on the floor. Bucky looks at Bruiser. BUCKY Bruiser, what are you going to do? BRUISER I'm goin' back to school so's I could finish kindergarten. Bruiser boards the Toad Croaker and zooms away. Bucky looks at Deadeye. BUCKY Deadeye, what are you going to do? DEADEYE I'm going to be a pirate again and my first official pirate act is to steal this frigate! Deadeye tosses Bucky and Jenny overboard and laughs as he jumps into hyperspace. Bucky looks at Jenny. BUCKY Jenny, what are you going to do? JENNY It's a secret and I'm not telling! Jenny makes a magical gesture and disappears. Bucky looks at himself. BUCKY Bucky, what are you going to do? BUCKY I think I'll float here for a while. Bucky floats in deep space for a while. He gets tired of this and feels sleepy. He closes his eyes... ...and opens them to find himself in a cloudy, heavenly-looking place. Bucky thinks he can hear harps playing. Suddenly, a bright beam shines on him and he shields his eyes. The only thing he can make out in the light is a big snout protruding from the clouds. BUCKY Wha -? The snout jerks in surprise. It turns to Bucky. VOICE Bucky O'Hare? What are you doing here? Aren't the Toad Wars over? BUCKY Yes, they are. We finally beat all the bad guys. Then my crew leaves me, then I find myself in this place. What happened? The snout looks thoughtful then decides to answer. VOICE Well, let me explain. With nothing left to fight, there's no reason for you to stay together and therefore, no reason for the aniverse to exist. It's the end of the aniverse and the end of you, Bucky O'Hare. BUCKY But why'd it happen? VOICE Because I wrote it that way. Because I'm all-powerful in this realm! Because I'm omnipotent! And I decided to end your adventures! So there! The snout rumbles and the whole area quakes. Bucky falls to the ground. BUCKY But you just took away my reason to exist! You're trying to make me disappear! VOICE Well I wouldn't put it in those terms, but yes, that's essentially what's happening. What I don't understand is why you're still here. Bucky looks thoughtful, then stands up, hands folded on his chest. BUCKY Well, I think I know. The snout looks surprised again. Then it makes laughing motions. VOICE (snickers) Really? Pray tell, what is the reason? BUCKY Well, I had this conversation with my crewmates at the start about good always winning over evil... VOICE (chuckles) Yes? I'm listening... BUCKY ...I know I'm good, so there's nothing in the world that can stop me in what I do... VOICE (chortles) Of course, of course! Go on... BUCKY ...and since you're in my way... VOICE (guffaws) Uh huh, uh huh. Whatever you say... BUCKY ...then that makes you evil! VOICE (shouts) *What*!?! The snout rises up in outrage. The whole place shudders but Bucky holds his ground. VOICE That's preposterous! I'm not evil! I am lord of this place! BUCKY Yeah, but you manipulate our lives and decided to get rid of us! VOICE So? You're just a puny mortal green bunny! I'm a supreme being! I am the chronicler of tales! I am all-powerful! I am omnipotent! You can't do anything about it! You can't beat me! BUCKY (smiles) Oh yeah? Bucky twitches an ear... ...somebody squeals in terror... ...and FERO McPIGLET wakes up screaming and clutches at his nose. Realizing that he's in one piece, he wipes the drool from his mouth and looks around. He's at home, in his computer room. The computer is on with the word processor program active. The story that he's typing is still open. It's very late at night or, to be more accurate, very early in the morning. He's fallen asleep on the keyboard again. He stares at the computer screen with a mixture of puzzlement and dread. FERO I think... this is enough for one night. He saves his file and prepares to shut off the computer. Then he pauses for a moment and reads what he just wrote. FERO Uh, I think I'll leave the computer on for a while... just in case... He heads for his room but gives the computer a backward glance. Nothing seems particularly wrong. Then he holds his nose again and shivers. THE END! :P