“End Of The Elite” By Andrew Norris PROLOGUE - The Toad Mothership, somewhere in space COLONEL GEORGE SYLVESTER looks over the enormous army of TOAD-CLONES beneath him, and turns to look at TOADBORG. SYLVESTER: How many of them are there, Commander? TOADBORG: Over 10,000, Colonel; and all of them sprung from one tiny piece of your skin. SYLVESTER: You are aware of mighty KOMPLEX'S order? TOADBORG: That the project will be terminated if this army fails to bring much success? Yes, I have. Which is why I have now chosen a smaller target. SYLVESTER: Which is? TOADBORG gestures to a map on the wall, with a small, unnamed planet ringed in red marker pen. SYLVESTER studies the map carefully before turning back to TOADBORG. SYLVESTER: (Worried) What about the legends? TOADBORG: (Scoffs) Superstitious drivel! The planet is inhiabited by only a handful of demented little mammals. One monastery against the might of the Toad Empire, Colonel? It is like taking candy from a baby! He marches off, but SYLVESTER still stares at the map with doubt and fear. SCENE ONE - A park, Genus BUCKY and JENNY are sat in the park, making use of their time off-duty. BUCKY is sat fast asleep on a bench, with his arms stretched out over the back. JENNY sits beside him, reading a small book. As she reads it, a brief image of a demon enters her mind and frightens her out of her trance. BUCKY wakes up and looks over at her, concerned. BUCKY: You OK? JENNY: (Gently panting) Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. Just slipped out of it for a moment. They hear a loud buzzing noise from nearby, and BUCKY perks up his ears at the sound. BUCKY: What's that? JENNY: It's the Galaxy Cup race on the other side of town. Nass has taken Katar up there to have a look. BUCKY: (Grins) I never thought of Nass to be the sports type! JENNY: Actually, he's racing in it. BUCKY'S face drops as he fails to grasp the facts. BUCKY: (Dumbfounded) What? JENNY: That's what he told me. He was so obsessed with this financing problem with the S.P.A.C.E. that he volunteered to try and win some money from the racing circuit. BUCKY: Well, nobody can say that he's not a dedicated man! Funny how it's always the quiet ones. SCENE TWO - Racing Circuit, Genus A quarter-mile from the park is the racing circuit where a race is underway. Several of the cars are painted in the colours of their sponsors, and appear incredibly futuristic. NASS, on the other hand, is driving a 1956 Ford Parklane painted orange like the S.P.A.C.E. frigates, with the words: "MAMMAL METEOR" on the side. His car looks incredibly anachronistic compared to the modern cars, and only KATAR is rooting for him in the stands. COMMENTATOR #1: And we have five laps left to go in the Galaxy Cup as this race draws to a close! In the lead is Charlton Reeves in his No. 65 speedster, with Leonard Able in No. 40 struggling to keep in second place. COMMENTATOR #2: One thing that can be sure, though, Bill. No matter who wins, I think we can safely say that newcomer Mammal Meteor won't stand a chance. All through the race, he's been struggling to stay in 38th place in that old tin can of his! KATAR: (Quietly, to herself) Come on, Nass. You can do it! In fifth place, one of the cars takes a corner too sharply, and skids out into the middle of the racetrack. Several of the cars plough into him, and a large wreckage ensues. COMMENTATOR #2: (Shocked) I don't believe it! Stan Harding's bad turn just cost the race for practically every racer here today! As the ambulance crews rush towards the pile-up, NASS sees his chance. While is car is older, it's manouverability is far superior, and he easily glides past the wreckage to take fourth place. COMMENTATOR #1: But look! The Mammal Meteor has just shot from 38th to 4th place! COMMENTATOR #2: I guess what he lacks in speed he gains in manouverability, huh, Bill? NASS grins at his advantage, and drives his car as fast as possible to catch up with the others ahead. COMMENTATOR #1: And now the race boils down to four cars. Reeves and Able take up the lead as The Mammal Meteor fights for third place against Paul Chapman in No. 25! CHAPMAN, a gorilla, notices this, and tries to ram NASS off the track, in turn triggering a reaction from KATAR. NASS is able to remain on the track despite the heavy damage, but CHAPMAN refuses to give up, and attempts to ram him again. CHAPMAN: (Gruffly) Over you go, shorty! NASS sees CHAPMAN'S move, and brakes sharply, reducing his speed. CHAPMAN misses his target and careers off the track and hits a crash barrier as NASS speeds into third place. COMMENTATOR #1: And Chapman is out as the final cars appproach the finish! It's gonna be a close one, folks! REEVES succeeds in first place, with ABLE taking second and NASS third. Despite not winning first place, KATAR is ecstatic at NASS'S surprise victory. COMMENTATOR #1: And it's all over! Reeves takes the Galaxy Cup! COMMENTATOR #2: But I tell you, Bill, of all the things that have happened in this race, who'd have thought that newcomer Meteor would walk away with something bigger than a participant's ribbon? As the cars pull over, KATAR runs onto the track and hugs NASS tightly in her arms as he gets out of the vehicle. KATAR: (Ecstatic) You did it! You won! NASS hugs her in return as the crowd cheer at them. SCENE THREE - Toad Mothership, in space The Mothership looms over an unidentifiable planet somewhere in the lonely part of the Aniverse. A Cruiser is deployed from the Mothership as it approaches the planet's surface. Inside, SYLVESTER is commanding two STORMTOADS on the bridge as the TOAD-CLONES remain in the Cruiser, ready to attack on touchdown. SYLVESTER: Are the Clones ready for disembarking? STORMTOAD #1: Yes, sir. They'll attack upon landing. SYLVESTER: Good. (sighs) I just hope that Toadborg isn't wrong about all of these rumours. STORMTOAD #2: Only Mammals take the rumours seriously, sir. Perhaps some of that Mammal DNA used in the cloning is getting to you. SYLVESTER: I wish it was, private, then I'd know where the trouble lies. But I've just got a gut feeling that we shouldn't be here! The Cruiser begins it's descent onto the planet's surface, but as it lands, a nearby satellite is triggered as the Cruiser passes through an invisible beam. Immediately, a signal is transmitted through space and back towards Genus. SCENE FOUR - Admiral's Mess, UAC Admiralty FLEET-ADMIRAL RYGAR BLADE is sitting at a table playing chess with VICE-ADMIRAL SAMANTHA RAVEN. ADMIRAL TINA STARFIRE sits nearby, skimming through a book from the bookcase. STARFIRE: I hear Corporal Nass won the Galaxy Cup for us. RAVEN: (Focussing on the game) Purely by a fluke, though. Not to discourage the man, but I think the chances of him winning in that old mattress of his were astronomical! RYGAR: I admit that I prefer him to be in Genus Control myself, but he's racing for us without our consnet. And putting money matters aside, it might show the public that we're not as tightfisted as they'd have us believe! RAVEN: It's not us the public think that about; it's the UAC. STARFIRE: (Puts her book away) Do you think we ought to commend him for all of this, then? RYGAR: It's early days yet. Give it time, then see what we can do. A beacon flashes in the wall, buzzing very softly as it lights on and off. The three admirals look at one another with the same frown. RYGAR: (Firmly) They've done it. They've gone into the planet. RAVEN: Shall we alert our officers? RYGAR: No. You remember the secret oath the last admiral made us swear. In any case, it's out of our hands. While it is close to Genus, the Toads will have to find out about the secret for themselves. RAVEN: But when it comes to question time, what will we tell our subordinates? RYGAR: Nothing. We were all sworn to secrecy, and to never break that vow. SCENE FIVE - The Righteous Indignation, space The Righteous Indignation emerges from a hyperspace jump as it begins it's routine patrol. BUCKY and JENNY are at the controls as usual, with DEADEYE manning the maser. BUCKY: OK, let's see which Toads have a deathwish today. JENNY: (To Bucky) You seem so sure the Toads'll try something, aren't you? BUCKY: It's been a bit too quiet lately, Jenny. I know they're planning something. JENNY: Or gathering up their strength, you mean? BUCKY simply nods. A moment later, the controls trill and beep into life. JENNY presses a few buttons as she examines the readings. JENNY: (Reads instruments) The perimeter of Planet X has just been breached. Our sensors have just picked up an emergency beacon from the automated satellites in orbit. BUCKY: (Sternly) How far off are we? JENNY: About 10,000 kiloglides. BUCKY: Change course for Planet X. (thinks aloud) But what could the Toads possibly want there? All that's on the planet is one sacred monastery. DEADEYE: (Through radio) Perhaps they wanna persuade them monks about financin', Bucky me boy. BUCKY: Hmm. Maybe, but then why just one place? They have a huge empire to siphon money out of. JENNY: Unless, of course, the money's beginning to dry up. The ship gathers speed as it travels through space. SCENE SIX - The Monastery, Planet X Several PENGUIN MONKS are at prayer inside an opulent-looking Monastery, with enormous, stained-glass windows, gold-trimmings on the stone architecture and several statues to the same diety. The altar is covered entirely and adorned with several ornaments. The MONKS sit before this altar as they chant in tongues. As this ritual is performed, there is a heavy banging at the main door, disturbing their service. MONK #1: Outsiders have landed on our world! MONK #2: And now they dare to defile this holy place! MONK #3: We must protect the altar at all costs! MONK #1: (Alertly) Quickly! Move it to the catacombs before this sanctuary can be breached! The MONKS all struggle to move the heavy altar, and only just get it to the foot of a flight of stairs when the main doors are broken down, and a large army of TOAD-CLONES enter the Monastery, slaughtering all the MONKS in their path. Once the massacre has been completed, and all the MONKS have been brutally murdered, the TOAD-CLONES stand down to let SYLVESTER move in. He eyes the altar and switches on his walkie-talkie. SYLVESTER: Colonel Sylvester to Toadborg aboard Toad Mothership. Come in, please. Over. TOADBORG: (Over radio) What have you to report, Colonel? SYLVESTER: We've located the altar, and all of the Monks have been taken care of. TOADBORG: Good. You must open it where you are to determine that it is the right altar. Once you have analysed it thoroughly, return it to the Cruiser and have it delivered on board. SYLVESTER: Very good, sir. Over and out. (to Toad-Clones) Move this into the Nave and bring a circular saw from the ship. We have work to do! The TOAD-CLONES grunt and two of them move back to the ship while the others struggle to move the hefty object. SCENE SEVEN - Katar's Apartment, Genus NASS is sitting on a sofa with his head cocked back, relaxing from his big moment while still dressed in his racing gear. KATAR is in the kitchen, making coffee for them both. KATAR: (From kitchen) I'm proud of you, Nass! You raised 2,000 simoleons for the S.P.A.C.E. and you've made it into the limelight at last! NASS: (Smiles) I guess, but I'm just thankful I didn't end up in that wreckage! I was dicing with death in that old car. KATAR moves in with two mugs of coffee for them both. She hands NASS one, and he accepts it with a smile, sipping it gently as KATAR sits beside him. KATAR: Where did you get that car, anyway? NASS: It was something my Dad cobbled together in his spare time. Any bits of spare metal from his workshop he'd use on building himself his own car based on some drawings he'd found in an old magazine. When he died, he left the car to me, but I never found a use for it until now. KATAR just smiles and hugs him. NASS coils his arms around KATAR as they embrace. The moment is suddenly broken when the phone rings. KATAR groans angrily and picks it up. She listens to the speaker and hands it to NASS. NASS: (Uneasy) H-Hello? RYGAR: (Over phone) Nass, I'm sorry to disturb you so soon, but we need you at Genus Control right this minute! NASS: What's the matter? RYGAR: A rather delicate matter on another world has just been brought to our attention, and Captain O'Hare is walking right into it! NASS: (Alertly) I'm on my way! He puts the phone down and gets up to go. NASS: (To Katar) Something's happening at the Control Centre; I need to be there, pronto! KATAR: (Stands up) Then I'll come with you. You may need some help. NASS smiles, and the two run out of the apartment together. SCENE EIGHT - Planet X The Righteous Indignation lands a short distance away from both the Monastery, and the Toad Cruiser. The rest of the planet is rocky and barren, covered in brown stones that are spread across the entire surface of the planet. BUCKY, JENNY and DEADEYE disembark, as BRUISER watches from the hatchway. BUCKY: (To Bruiser) Bruiser, you'd better stay here. The last thing we need is those Toads ambushing our ship by surprise. BRUISER: (Slurps) You got it Bucky! JENNY squints her eyes as she sees the TOAD-CLONES dragging the altar outside the Monastery and resting it short of the Toad Cruiser. JENNY: (Peers at Monastery) By the look of things, the Toads are more interested in what's inside that altar than actual wealth. DEADEYE: Aye, but perhaps that Monastery is keepin' all it's booty *inside* the altar, Jenny girl. BUCKY: Possibly, but we need to keep low. Our main priority is to make sure those Monks haven't been harmed! But we need to sneak in without the Toads seeing us. JENNY: I remember reading somewhere that Monks would sometimes use secret passages inside and out of the monastery in case of a siege by enemies. Perhaps we can find one. BUCKY: (Sighs) I guess anything's worth a shot. They move forward slowly, occasionally checking the odd rock or boulder for signs of a door or switch. Eventually, DEADEYE finds a trapdoor that is covered in soil as camouflage. They open it, and descend down several steps and into a narrow passageway some feet underground. Back at the Toad Cruiser, SYLVESTER is speaking to TOADBORG again. SYLVESTER: (Into radio) We're in position, Toadborg. Once the time is right, we'll make ready to open it. TOADBORG: (Over radio) Time?! You will open it now, Colonel! SYLVESTER: With respect, Toadborg, the legends say that only after the planet's sunset will it be safe to open! TOADBORG: I don't care if the legends even say that Necrophilia is legal! Whose orders are you following, Colonel, those of mighty KOMPLEX or some degenerate Mammal deity? SYLVESTER: (Sighs heavily) The orders of mighty KOMPLEX. TOADBORG: Then see that they are carried out! The communique ends abruptly, and SYLVESTER gestures for the TOAD- CLONES to begin cutting the edges of the altar with their circular saws. Inside the monastery, BUCKY, JENNY and DEADEYE emerge from the stairwell that the MONKS had attempted to move the altar too earlier on. BUCKY immediately spots the corpses of the MONKS, and the group start to check them all. JENNY: They're all dead... BUCKY: And that means there's something inside that altar that's worth more than gold! They slowly make their way down the Nave towards the entrance, pistols drawn. As they do so, the TOAD-CLONES complete their cutting, and two of them gently release the top. Inside is deep blackness, and SYLVESTER looks in to examine the contents. SYLVESTER: (Whispers) What the...? BUCKY reaches the door and peers through the crack to see what is happening. SYLVESTER is gazing into the box, as are several curious TOAD-CLONES. A faint howl of wind steadily grows stronger from within the mysterious container, and several swirling mists began to spread around them. One gust of wind sends a shock of energy through BUCKY, JENNY and DEADEYE, rendering them unconcious and blowing the monastery door shut. As they fall to the floor, NASS comes in over BUCKY'S radio. NASS: (Over radio) Bucky? Captain O'Hare, do you read me? Outside, the swirling mists have begun to glow, and the TOAD-CLONES begin to react painfully to the mists as they rapidly turn to smoke and then into flames. The TOAD-CLONES and SYLVESTER begin to smoulder and burn, with chunks of skin and flesh falling from their frames as they catch fire themselves. Once the spectacle is over, the flames retreat back into the altar and the lid is replaced, resealing itself as though it had never been cut. LATER... The Indefatigable has landed, and DOGSTAR is examining the abandoned Toad Cruiser with RUMBLEBEE while LT. WOLF and PITSTOP PETE look over the Monastery. Back at the Righteous Indignation, BUCKY and JENNY have two towels wrapped around them as RYGAR (who was given a lift by DOGSTAR) sees to them. RYGAR: ...and I suppose it's my fault for not telling you sooner. BUCKY: I understand, sir, but what exactly is that altar? RYGAR: According to some Holy scriptures, it is the casket of St. Neeblebrox, a deity before the time of the Great Mother. It became known as the Altar of Power due to the spiritual energy St. Neeblebrox was supposed to have yielded; saints would be spared, but sinners were exterminated. JENNY: (Nods) And a force with power like that would have been unstoppable! RYGAR: Correct, and that's probably why the Toads were so keen to get their grubby hands on it. (pause) We've decided to keep it sealed up in the Monastery and keep the whole planet under lock-and-key. Any breach of the satellite perimeter will trigger an automatic red alert back at Genus Control. BUCKY: But judging by the size of the Toad unit I saw, I think the Toad-Clones are now gone for good! RYGAR: (Nods gently) I sincrely hope so, Captain. Now, we can get back to fighting fair for a while. JENNY: (Aside) At least all of this reverence may give the S.P.A.C.E. are more friendly appearance on the pulpit. RYGAR: (Clicks fingers) Ah! That reminds me, I've spoken to Corporal Nass about his racing image. BUCKY: (Interested) Yes, sir? RYGAR: Although we can't afford to spend so much money, we have agreed to give his car a decent tune-up so that he can be our racing image. Even if he comes in only fourth place, the money made from sponsors and advertising will be enough to get the fleet up and running at last! BUCKY: Do you think that a commercial image is a good idea, sir? Even with the money, it might turn the S.P.A.C.E. into a media company rather than a fighting force. RYGAR: Nil desperandum, Captain. The Mammal Meteor is on the racing circuit purely for advertising, and Nass knows that better than any of us. SCENE NINE - Racing Circuit, Genus A new race is about to start, and the drivers are all preparing to come onto the track as they say their final greetings to wives and lovers before the next race. The "Mammal Meteor" now has a handful of corporate sponsor logos, including: "Bialystock Films Ltd.", "Uncyclopedia" and "Intercontinental Ballistic Enterprises". The hood has also been altered to house an even larger engine, with several exhaust cylinders sticking out of the side. NASS shares a kiss with KATAR as he prepares to head out onto the track. KATAR: Take care, my little Petty. I don't want you doing any heroics for my benefit. NASS: (Grins) Don't worry, Katar, I'll be fine. I'll wave to you when I finish my first lap. They kiss again as he gets into his car. KATAR walks away as NASS straps himself in. On the dashboard is a photo of KATAR signed as "ALWAYS THE WINNER OF MY CIRCUIT - XXX". The other DRIVERS get into their cars around NASS as the race is about to start. ANNOUNCER: (Over tannoy) Clear the grid! Clear the grid, please! The LOVERS and PIT-CREWS move off the racetrack as the cars begin to power up, revving noisily as they prepare to start. Eventually, the flag is flown, and all the cars start with a chorus of roars like angry bees, with the Mammal Meteor quickly taking up the lead, spitting flames from the cylinders... THE END