“A Cryptic Conundrum” By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE - Jenny's Apartment, Genus JENNY is watching the television, with a bored look on her face as a news report plays away. NEWSREADER: ...and actress extraordinaire, Sophia La Wren, has agreed to host musical celebrations in Capitol City to raise money for the S.P.A.C.E. It is rumoured that her mysterious and elusive new boyfriend will also be making a surprise appearance at the first celebration tomorrow. JENNY switches off the TV and moves over to the kitchen, fiddling with the Coffee Maker. JENNY: (Muttering) Bet he won't turn up. I bet he's only in it for the money. The doorbell rings, and JENNY goes to answer it. At the door is BUCKY, in full uniform. BUCKY: (Sternly) Jenny, I'm going to need you aboard in ten minutes tops. Something's going down at Orwell and we need to find out what. JENNY: What's the trouble? BUCKY: A very dodgy cargo's just come in from Narnox, and they seem to be demanding us specifically. SCENE TWO - Orwell Station, over Genus Within the space of fifteen minutes, the Righteous Indignation docks, where a small crate is being guarded by two S.P.A.C.E. GUARDS, both of whom are Squirrels. BUCKY alights with JENNY and WILLY, who move over to the crate. BUCKY: Alright, what's all this about? GUARD #1: (Points to the crate) This was loaded off a freighter from Narnox, sir. It's addressed to a Lugs Rubin. WILLY: But what's so freaky about it? GUARD #2: Take a look inside, kid, an' you tell me! BUCKY opens the crate, where to his horror, he sees the skeletal remains of his own father, still in the uniform he was buried in. BUCKY: (Whispers softly) Dad... JENNY: I think this is pretty open-and-shut. Rubin was to hand over the remains to the Toads, they would clone them and have a loyal clone masquerading as a UAC officer. BUCKY: I doubt it. WILLY: But, Bucky, it's so obvious! The Toad's would've easily gotten away with it if we didn't get to it first! BUCKY: (Shouts) MY FATHER...(gradually growing quieter) has been dead for several years! Don't you think it would be a little obvious if my father suddenly popped up out of nowhere sabotaging important equipment? And also, who is sending Rubin these body parts? We have Rubin, so who's his agent? GUARD #2: What d'you want us to do, sir? BUCKY: (Pointing to crate) Get that loaded onto my ship and try to trace all the loading-points for the Freighter it was brought here on. (To Jenny) Tell Genus to have some forensics ready when we land, we may need them. WILLY looks anxiously as the crate is carried aboard. Once BUCKY and JENNY are aboard, he enters, attempting to avoid touching the crate at all costs as they slowly take off. SCENE THREE - Interrogation Room, Genus CAPTAIN SHIRLEY SQUIRREL enters the room, where LUGS RUBIN is sat hunched in an interrogation booth. His legs and feet are in manacles, and he has a scowl on his face. RUBIN: (Gruffly) What's up, doc? SHIRLEY: (Sitting down) You know why I'm here, Rubin? RUBIN: My recurring bad luck? SHIRLEY: We recovered one of your deliveries from Narnox, and that particular delivery containted the remains of General Donald O'Hare. RUBIN: (Uninterested) Really? SHIRLEY: It'll save you and us a lot of time if you just come clean and told us who sent it. RUBIN: (Harshly) Well, it wasn't me! And it wasn't any of your friends in the UAC either! All I'm telling you is that it's a man! I won't tell you anymore without my lawyer present! SHIRLEY: (Raises an eyebrow) Have you got a lawyer? RUBIN doesn't answer. SHIRLEY: Then that's one more count of grave-robbing against you for your trial. The Church of the Great Mother'll hang you out to dry! RUBIN still doesn't answer, and SHIRLEY gets up to leave. She stops when BUCKY steps in, his face twisted in anger. BUCKY: Has he talked? SHIRLEY: Well, he's confirmed that we're looking for a guy if that's any help. BUCKY: Don't worry, I'll make him talk! He begins to step further into the room, his fist clenched tightly. Upon seeing this, SHIRLEY quickly stops him, much to RUBIN'S amusement. SHIRLEY: (Bitterly) Don't! If you do that, it'll only make things worse! He'll just use it against you! Besides, I bet even if he had ten seconds left to live, he still wouldn't talk. She walks out, and BUCKY stares at RUBIN angrily before walking out himself. All this time, RUBIN has lit a cigarette and exhales deeply. RUBIN: What a maroon. SCENE FOUR - Genus Control Centre, Genus CORPORAL RICHARD NASS runs up to JENNY with a scroll of paper in hand. JENNY herself is rummaging through a pile of papers in one of the offices within the control tower when NASS walks in. NASS: Jenny, we've just had word from Narnox. That freighter had taken on your cargo at Warren when it stopped there for refueling. JENNY: (Accepting the sheet) Any idea who the sender is? NASS: No idea, yet, but... His headset suddenly whines electronically as a call comes in. NASS: ...Hold on. (Into headset) Genus Control here. He switches on a loudspeaker built into the headset so JENNY can listen to the message. WARREN CONTROL: (Through headset) Genus Control, this is Warren Control. We've traced the delivery to an Everett Scott on Warren. The crate was to be signed for. NASS: Roger, Warren Control. Do you have Scott's address? WARREN CONTROL: Negative, Genus. We're still scanning all planetary databases and nobody answering his name or description has yet been located. NASS: Can you provide his description, Warren Control? As WARREN CONTROL prepares to give a description, JENNY quickly pulls out a notepad from the piles of paper and a small pencil, ready to write down the description. WARREN CONTROL: Everett Scott is described as a 4ft tall green hare in an oversized trenchcoat, dark sunglasses and reddish-brown fedora hat. NASS: (Mutters) Sounds like a regular Duck Tracey. (Into headset) Roger, Warren Control. Over and out. Before he can speak again, JENNY runs out with the information in hand. Walking out, NASS notices several workers erecting a large tent nearby for the evening festivities. NASS: (Mumbles) Bet Sophia La Wren's only doing it for the money. SCENE FIVE - Main Spaceport, Warren The atmosphere is like a busy airport lounge. Passengers wait impatiently in long lines with their baggage, children moan and cry as their parents drag them around, and useless staff at the desk sit around filing their nails and ignoring the complaints of angry customers. Amidst the commotion, EVERETT SCOTT meanders around the spaceport and sits down in one of the departure lounges. Next to him is a BABOON, who remains hidden by a huge newspaper which he is reading. TANNOY: Attention all passengers. Flight 113 to Kinear has been delayed due to a technical problem. We apologise for the inconvenience. EVERETT: (Grumbles) I'll never get out of here! He heads off towards the restroom, and the BABOON reveals himself to be BRUISER, who watches EVERETT carefully before getting up to find the others. Inside the bathroom, EVERETT is alone, and removes his sunglasses to reveal the worn eyes underneath them. He begins to wash his hands, unaware of BUCKY slowly stepping out of a cubicle. With EVERETT off-guard, BUCKY lunges for him and punches him hard on the nose. EVERETT yelps and leaps back, banging his head on the wall. BUCKY: (Shrieking) Alright, Everett! Talk! We know what you've been up to! He suddenly notices that part of EVERETT'S face has fallen off. Using one hand to pull out his maser pistol, BUCKY uses the other to remove the fake mask, and reveals "Everett Scott" to be yet another pseudonym for FRANKENSTOAT. To BUCKY'S surprise, FRANKENSTOAT looks petrified and afraid rather than sly and scheming. FRANKENSTOAT: (Stammering) I...I didn't want anything to do with it...I'll tell you everything... BUCKY: (Unconvinced) I'll bet you will. He lets FRANKENSTOAT go and relaxes. FRANKENSTOAT moves over to the sink and looks in the mirror at himself. FRANKENSTOAT: I was running low on money, so I came here to work on a hand-held excavator to sell to the Agricultural Guild of Warren. They'll buy anything. BUCKY: So how did you meet Rubin? FRANKENSTOAT: (Shakily) He...he and I knew each other at Graham. He'd been tracking me this whole time. (Sighs heavily) For the first time in 30 years, while I was Everett Scott, I fell in love, captain. She was perhaps the only girl I'd met who didn't see me as a lunatic. (Whispers) And he killed her. BUCKY'S eyes peel back in shock. FRANKENSTOAT hangs his head low and begins to cry. FRANKENSTOAT: He said he'd do the same to me if I didn't co-operate. No matter how many vials I throw, he'd have soon hunted me down to the very ends of the Aniverse! (beginning to cry) Why, captain? Why is life so cruel? BUCKY contemplates a counter-arguement, but decides not to in FRANKENSTOAT'S present state, and just pats him on the shoulder lightly. SCENE SIX - The Bridge, The Righteous Indignation FRANKENSTOAT is on the bridge with BUCKY and JENNY. The ship is still docked on Warren, and both BUCKY and JENNY are sat sideways talking to a sullen FRANKENSTOAT. JENNY: Did Rubin ever say why he wanted the body? FRANKENSTOAT: (Shakes his head) He never shared anything with me, and I didn't really want to share anything with him. (Pause) I want to make it all up to you, captain. I didn't want anything to do with this anymore than you. BUCKY: (Grumbles) As if! JENNY: (Hisses) Bucky! FRANKENSTOAT: All my life, I've been fighting because of some petty little arguement, but now that I've been dragged into this...this sacrilege, I want to try and undo everything I've done! Cross my heart and hope to die! BUCKY: Look, we can't do anything unless we find out why Rubin wanted my father, and we need an answer fast. WILLY: (From below) I've got it! He runs up to the Bridge and stops short of BUCKY and JENNY. In his hand is a sheet of paper showing some data on DNA. WILLY: If the Toads are working on cloning, then maybe they only wanted your Dad so they could get to you! (Shows them the sheet) Your DNA is probably similar to your father's, and even bone samples might still provide fresh samples! BUCKY: (Thinks aloud) And with several clones of me running around, they could make any order they wanted. But there's only one way that we can be certain. SCENE SEVEN - A Seperated Cell, Genus A small room with a seperating wall is on the monitors of a control room. On one side of the wall is FRANKENSTOAT, the other RUBIN, both of whom communicate through a small window. Watching them through hidden cameras are BUCKY and COMMANDER DOGSTAR. The conversation they eavesdrop on is growing more heated as time passes. FRANKENSTOAT: (Over microphone) Look, I just wanted that thing off my hands, OK? How was I to know they'd caught you. RUBIN: (Spitefully) It wouldn't hurt to read a newspaper, would it? We could've just waited and created the new faces then, but you had to chicken out! FRANKENSTOAT: You think I don't have morals? Cloning is one thing, but Sacrilege is another! RUBIN: Sacrilege! Pah! What a load of balls! Next thing, you'll be telling me that it was wrong of me to kill that little whore of yours! FRANKENSTOAT, upon hearing this, flies into a fit of rage, and smashes the pane of glass. UAC personnel rush in to seperate the two, but not before FRANKENSTOAT can deliver a few hard punches to RUBIN'S face. Once he is outside, RUBIN is dragged back to his cell, and BUCKY runs out to have a word with FRANKENSTOAT. BUCKY: What the hell are you doing? FRANKENSTOAT: (Angrily, tears dripping down his face) You heard him, Captain! If you had known Nicole as long as I had, you'd know the pain! Just let me have a go at him, will you? I wanna see that he gets what he deserves! BUCKY: (Calmer) Look, Frankenstoat, we've all lost people who mean the world to us, but we have to let things take their course. If you start something now, you might make it worse. Just, try and take things a little more calmly, OK? FRANKENSTOAT: (Sniffs) OK, captain. And, erm, I'm sorry for all of this. I'm sure your father would be proud of you. I'm, I'm just sorry he had to get involved in all of this. BUCKY says nothing and politely walks off, a slight smile on his face as he does so. SCENE EIGHT - The Music Festival, Genus, Sometime later BUCKY, in casual dress, has just finished speaking on a phone, and hangs up before moving over to JENNY, who is also in casual wear. Around them are other party-goers, including S.P.A.C.E. and UAC personnel, while PHOTOGRAPHERS and NEWSREPORTERS line the streets waiting anxiously for the celebrities to appear. BUCKY: (To Jenny) That was Fritz. Because of Frankenstoat's shaky condition, they'll let him recover first before doing anything drastic, and my father'll be returning to Genus tomorrow. JENNY: Good to hear, but let's take our mind off work, shall we? Sophia La Wren'll be here any minute! BUCKY: What's this deal about her new boyfriend? I don't get it. JENNY: He's never been seen in public with her. All we know is that he's a little shy. BUCKY: (Grins) So, Sophia got out the handcuffs and dragged him out, eh? The cameras begins to roll or flash as a sleek, black limousine hoves into view. Only one of the NEWSREPORTERS can be heard above the din of REPORTERS and CAMERAMEN that fill the air. NEWSREPORTER: ...and here comes Sophia La Wren's stretch limo now. We can't see much said for the darkened windows... The limousine stops, and SOPHIA LA WREN, a curvaceous and attractive female wren, emerges from the limousine in a slender red dress and a cigarette holder in hand. She gives a friendly wave to the CAMERAMEN and smiles politely. NEWSREPORTER: ...and here is the star of the show, Sophia La Wren, ladies and gentlemen! The women who single-handedly organised these events, and is best remembered for her brief duo with singer Shirley Squirrel... SOPHIA makes several gestures inside the limousine and drags out a reluctant and shy LT. F. LEGHORN, who smiles awkwardly and gives a slight wave. BUCKY and JENNY stare with mouths open wide. NEWSREPORTER: And here he is, ladies and gentlemen! The mystery man of the show! Lieutenant Franklin Leghorn of the S.P.A.C.E. Not the sexiest of celebrity boyfriends, but who am I to judge? LATER... When SOPHIA is onstage, performing alongside a dress-clad CAPTAIN SHIRLEY SQUIRREL, BUCKY is speaking quietly with LT. F. LEGHORN behind the stage. BUCKY: So, what's it like being a celebrity heartthrob? LEGHORN: (Groans) Terrible. I can't move a yard before running into a camera! All I want is some time alone with Sophia! BUCKY: So, did you meet her or was it the other way around? LEGHORN: Started just as I was leaving the Admiralty after my operation. I bump into her in the corridor, she goes all google-eyed and now I've got pop-star wannabes pinning my picture to the wall! (Sighs) Anyway, how's life been treating you? BUCKY: (Pause) Apart from a little scuffle and a cryptic conundrum, not much to say. LEGHORN: Cryptic co-what? BUCKY: Never mind (Looks out at the stage) Your girlfriend's a good singer, isn't she? The duet ends, and SHIRLEY and SOPHIA both bow to the applause of their audience. Some of the audience begin to throw bouquets of flowers, much to the surprise of the performers. Backstage, LT. F. LEGHORN and BUCKY both applaud side-by-side unseen by the crowds.