Bucky O' Hare In Carry On Saving The Day or Wonder Woman & The Undersized Bra or Fantastic Fur By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE A railway line somewhere on Genus BUCKY and JENNY are riding on a train through the countryside, and are alone in the railway carriage. JENNY: I wonder why the Council always pick on us for most of the new jobs. BUCKY: (Shrugs shoulders) You know what Fritz is like. Can't get a slice of the action so he piles it up on us. It'll probably end up being a waste of time. The train slows as they reach their destination. BUCKY and JENNY gather up their belongings as the train pulls up to a small railroad station just on the outskirts of a massive city. JENNY: (Grumbling) All this way just to for a second UAC Spaceport! You'd think the Council would try to raise a fleet first! BUCKY: I know, and Raul STILL hasn't got a crew, but who are we to complain? The train stops at the station. A sign on the platform reads: VOMIT CITY. After disembarking, BUCKY and JENNY make their way out of the station. The entire city is no more than skyscrapers stretching as far as the eye can see. BUCKY: Geez! So where is the apartment we're supposed to be staying in? JENNY: On 179th Street, and we're on 5th Avenue. They both groan, but a sudden explosion around the corner draws their attention. From the corner comes a large, Godzilla-like MONSTER towering high above the tower blocks. The MONSTER roars, when a YELLOW HARE dressed in a blue suit appears from an open-sewer. THE YELLOW HARE also dons a white eye-mask and has a street-sign on his shirt. HARE: (Resonating voice) Have no fear, citizens! It's Lieutenant 5th Avenue! From his hands, he fires two large yellow orbs at the MONSTER, which miss and hit a nearby tower block. The tower collapses and crushes another tower. In succession, several more towers collapse like dominoes before finally crushing the railroad station where BUCKY and JENNY had been only a few moments ago. LT. 5TH AVE: S***! I missed! THE MONSTER bellows loudly, and begins to stampede towards LT. 5TH AVE. BUCKY fires a shot from his maser pistol to distract the creature, and it turns its attentions to BUCKY and JENNY. THE MONSTER suddenly stops, and a tear comes to its' eye. Clutching its' genital area with its arms, THE MONSTER collapses and smashes a hot-dog stand with its' head. BUCKY and JENNY get out of the way just in time, and notice LT. 5TH AVE juggling a single orb in his right hand. LT. 5TH AVE: First rule of superheroing: Always hit 'em where it hurts. So, what are two .S.P.A.C.E. Officials doing here? We were expecting Bucky O' Hare, but... BUCKY: (Insulted) I AM Bucky O' Hare! BUCKY sighs and notices two SUPERHEROES arguing in the distance. The first is a muscular FOX in a figure-hugging purple suit with a gold biretta and the second is a female SQUIRREL in a Japanese-style outfit. DOG: (Snaps) Oh, come on! How can everything be coming from nature when God is the divine ruler? SQUIRREL: (Japanese Accent) Shut it, Superpope! What do you know about religion? SUPERPOPE: I know how it should be organized! Which is more than can be said about you, Lady Shinto! At least I earn my respect! SHINTO: (Scoffs) You couldn't earn cardinal-points! JENNY turns to LT. 5TH AVE while BUCKY continues to watch the two fight. JENNY: (To Lt. 5th Ave) Are those two...? LT. 5TH AVE: ...two superheroes themed around religion, yes. BUCKY: (Grumbles) So, does everyone around here like to wear their pants on the outside? LT. 5TH AVE: Didn't the Council tell you? Vomit City is where all of us superheroes have been shoved out of sight! BUCKY: And the UAC wanted us to plan out a Spaceport here to keep you all busy. LT. 5TH AVE: Very probably, despite the fact that there are only 200 of us living here. BUCKY: (Sighs) So, where exactly is 179th Street? LT. 5TH AVE: (Leading the way) Follow me, it should be easier now I've knocked through about four streets. He leads BUCKY and JENNY away, while SUPERPOPE and LADY SHINTO continue to fight. SCENE TWO A Tower several miles outside of Vomit City The menacing tower stands above a no-mans' land where the ruins of buildings once lay. A ruined sign reads: WELCOME TO DUNLIKUS, POP: 16, while a second sign atop of the tower reads EVIL INC. INSIDE THE TOWER... A WEASEL in a black, leather suit is watching the commotion between LADY SHINTO and SUPERPOPE on a large TV screen. THE WEASEL has a mecahnical claw for a right arm and his left eye is bionic. WEASEL: (Gruff voice) Superheroes, pathetic creatures! He turns away to face several other monitors depicting parts of Vomit City, and focusses on BUCKY and JENNY. WEASEL: So, the .S.P.A.C.E. have sent the gallant Captain O' Hare on such a tedious mission? (Laughs evilly) They are making this far too easy! Once I dispose of him and the rest of that ridiculous city, I can put my plan into action! (Dramatically) AND I, DOCTOR BADGUY, WILL RULE ALL OF GENUS! (Laughs evilly) His laughter echoes around the Tower as well as the deserted countryside. SCENE THREE A different Tower, 179th Street, Vomit City This tower is far cleaner and better-built unlike the Evil Inc. Tower, but is slightly shorter. LT. 5TH AVE leads BUCKY and JENNY up to the Tower and opens the door. LT. 5TH AVE: Captain O' Hare, welcome to Team Tower. As the doors open, they are confronted by a massive lounge, complete with a sofa, a jukebox and a mini-bar. LT. 5TH AVE: (Continued) Five of us were selected to be the elite. I'm just one of them. We're called...The Team. They all walk in, and BUCKY and JENNY are given a seat. LT. 5TH AVE calls out. LT. 5TH AVE: Hello! Anyone? I'm back! There is a clang from behind the mini-bar, and a slender FIGURE in a Spiderwoman outfit appears, rubbing her head. A bushy grey squirrels' tail is visible from the back of the outfit. FIGURE: (Effeminately) F***ing hell, Lieutenant? Why do you have to f***ing shout? LT. 5TH AVE gestures towards BUCKY and JENNY, and the figure immediately changes mood. FIGURE: Oh, I'm so f***ing sorry, Captain! We weren't expecting you so soon! BUCKY: (Bemused) The Military Railway were kind enough to arrange early transport. FIGURE: Oh, I see! I'm Spiderminx, I've heard a f***ing lot about you, Captain O' Hare! JENNY: Charmed, I'm sure. So, who is the head of this team that we have to speak to? SPIDERMINX: You mean the f***ing top screw? LT. 5TH AVE: I think what Spiderminx is trying to say is that you want to speak to Supertwerp, right? BUCKY: If you mean the leader of The Team, then yes please. SPIDERMINX: Well, you f***ing well can't, as he went out with Kommandant Kansas to f*** up some f***ing plan Evil Inc. were working on at the f***ing Observatory. JENNY: Evil Inc? LT. 5TH AVE: Basically, a band of renegades who took over the nearby city of Dunlikus ten years ago and have been trying to kill us ever since. JENNY: Just out of interest, why is this place called Vomit City if it is a home for heroes? LT. 5TH AVE: Our first resident was Captain Vomit, so they named it after her. The doors swing open, and a WHITE HARE in a Superman outfit appears along with a BROWN HARE in a Foreign Legion uniform decorated with the Stars and Stripes. WHITE HARE: (Middle-pitched voice) Ah, you must be Captain O' Hare. I'm Supertwerp, and this is Kommandant Kansas. BROWN HARE: (Tough American Accent) Howdy there, Cap'n. Glad to see a new face in this god-damn city. BUCKY: Nice to meet you, Supertwerp. I'll be glad to get started. SUPERTWERP: So will I, but before we do, where is Absurdgirl? They move towards a door nearby, which leads into a bedroom. Inside the bedroom is a female CAT with ginger fur singing to herself in the mirror. GIRL: (Lip synching to music) I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night, He's gotta be strong an' he's gotta be tough, An' he's gotta be larger than life... She suddenly notices everyone watching her in the mirror, and switches off the music. GIRL: (Speaks) Do you mind? I've told you about bursting into my room like that! KANSAS: Stop being a motherf***er, Absurdgirl, and yer a** in here! It's time fer that damn meeting! ABSURDGIRL does as she's told, but not willingly. The group all sit down at a circular table away from the lounge area. SUPERTWERP: Now that we're all here, we can discuss the matter of the Spaceport. JENNY: The UAC told us it was purely for defensive purposes should Genus Control ever be attacked. BUCKY: That is until Lieutenant 5th Avenue commented that it could just be a farce to let Vomit City know that the outside world hasn't forgotten about it. SPIDERMINX: First f***ing time since that railroad was built! KANSAS: Spiderminx, will you quit b****ing and quit swearing! SPIDERMINX: Look who's f***ing talking! JENNY: (Changing the subject) We're divulging from the point. Exactly why is this Spaceport being built? SUPERTWERP: Well, the real heart of the matter is to export the Citys' produce without having to ship it all by rail. BUCKY: Produce? ABSURDGIRL: Don't tell me you don't know (!) Vomit City is Genus' leading manfacturer of underwear! BUCKY: (Understands) Ah, so that's why Jennys' knickers have "VC" embroidered on them. JENNY: (Suspiciously) And how would you know what's on my knickers? KANSAS: Yes, well (coughs) anyway, we need to get the spaceport built ASAP, as it will soon be time for the celebration of Abbakrapp on Fartus Minor. BUCKY: Abbakrapp? What's that? LT. 5TH AVE: The Leopards worship their Goddess, Knickus, by having a huge bonfire of underpants, all burnt on holy ground. JENNY: Which is? KANSAS: The Holy Round-the-Bend of St. Krapp. SUPERTWERP: Well in that case, let's get to work! SCENE FOUR Evil Inc Tower, Dunlikus DR. BADGUY is busy at his console unit, overlooking everything, when a BROWN PANTHER in an azure, skintight suit appears. PANTHER: (Korean Accent) Sir, it's just been reported that The Zirconator has killed Aquaburke. BADGUY: (Smiles) I'm pleased to hear it, Not-Nice Man, but we have to do better than that. NOT-NICE MAN: Sir? BADGUY: We know full well that Captain Vomit will be locked up tight in her palace like Fort Knox, so we simply do the next best thing. We go after The Team! NOT-NICE MAN: But how will The Team benefit us? Even if we do hold them to ransom, others will take their places. BADGUY: (Slyly) Who said anything about ransom? An RBB will be enough to wipe out Team Tower. NOT-NICE MAN: (Shocked) You mean...? BADGUY: Yes! A Really-Big Bomb! Then, we need only to put Operation Knickers into action! Alert everyone to come up here on the double! NOT-NICE MAN salutes, and walks off. BADGUY: (To himself) With The Team out of the way, the entire of Vomit City will have but a split-second to protect themselves from my latest invention... He moves to the far side of the room, where a massive machine is lying, consisting mostly of pipes and various supercomputers. BADGUY: ...The Pulsating-Intensity Shockwave-Sentrifier! Otherwise known as .P.*.S.S.! Capable of bringing out an earthquake measuring 14 on the Richter Scale! He gazes about the machine, and then back to his computer screens, which all show Team Tower. BADGUY: Congratulations, Team. You have stopped nothing! SCENE FIVE Team Tower, Vomit City SUPERTWERP and BUCKY are talking amongst themselves while LT. 5TH AVE and JENNY comfort WONDER WENCH (A female CAT in a Wonder Woman outfit). SUPERTWERP: (Looks up) So, The Zirconator attacked the Spaceport, did she? BUCKY: But why, I don't know. SUPERTWERP pulls BUCKY to one side. SUPERTWERP: (Quietly) Do you remember what was said about the underpants? BUCKY: (Whispers) Yes. SUPERTWERP: Well, Dunlikus used to be another manufacturer before Evil Inc moved in. They've been trying to compete with us to try and attack us on another front. BUCKY: And this is a case of industrial sabotage? SUPERTWERP: (Nods) And the outcome was the death of Aquaburke. A klaxon sounds around the Tower, and SUPERTWERP runs up to the table. Pressing a button, the klaxon stops and the wall slides down to reveal a TV screen. On it are SPIDERMINX and KOMMANDANT KANSAS interrogating THE ZIRCONATOR (a female DOG in a diamond-studded suit), whom has been strapped to a chair. SUPERTWERP: (To TV) Whats' the matter? KANSAS: It was an attack to hinder construction of the Spaceport, but there's something else. SUPERTWERP: What? KANSAS: That god-damn Dr. Badguy is planning a mass-attack on the city. SUPERTWERP: OK, keep it coming. The TV goes off, and JENNY looks up. JENNY: (Curiously) Dr. Badguy? Who's that? ABSURDGIRL: The Head of Evil Inc. Used to run a sleazy brothel on 45th, before they closed it down. WONDER WENCH: Only now, we have to figure out what Evil Inc are up to. BUCKY: And to do that, we have to go to Dunlikus and spy on them. LT. 5TH AVE: I second that! SUPERTWERP: Spiderminx and Kommandant Kansas should be OK on their own, now let's go and kick some butt! SCENE SIX Evil Inc Tower, Dunlikus DR. BADGUY is addressing several VILLAINS, as well as NOT-NICE MAN. Unlike the heroes, who are mostly mammals, all of the villains are Lizards. BADGUY: Well, everyone, the time has come for our attack on Vomit City. VILLAINS: (In unison) Yes, Doctor. BADGUY: It will be perhaps our most dangerous assault yet. VILLAINS: Yes, Doctor. BADGUY: Does anyone want to sit out this opportunity for victory? VILLAINS: Yes, Doctor. BADGUY: (Bemused) I'll pretend I didn't hear that. He shows them a plan of the city, and points to Team Tower. BADGUY: As you all know, An RBB can wipe out anything in a 1/4 mile radius, so try to get within that radius should you ever get caught. ReallyHorribleDude, I'd like you to carry out this mission. As for the rest of you, I want Not-Nice Man and Miss Mediocre to stand guard at the .P.*.S.S. and be ready to activate. Everyone else will be on standby in the Tower to be ready to finish off any survivors when we win. They all nod. IN THE DESERTED COUNTRYSIDE... REALLYHORRIBLEDUDE is making his way towards the city with the RBB, but doesn't notice BUCKY, JENNY, SUERTWERP, LT. 5TH AVE, ABSURDGIRL and WONDER WENCH making their way towards Evil Inc Tower. JENNY: Where's he going in a hurry? ABSURDGIRL: No need to worry about him; he'll be taken care of. Let's just get to that Tower! They all make their way towards the Tower, and slowly move in for the kill, but BUCKY and JENNY stay where they are. JENNY: (Whispers) I don't like the look of this, Bucky. BUCKY: Ditto, I reckon there's a booby-trap, otherwise that guy would've tried to have killed us. As they speak, several mines explode around them, and SUPERTWERP, WONDER WENCH, ABSURDGIRL and LT. 5TH AVE are swallowed up by a large trapdoor hidden in the ground, which closes immediately. BUCKY: (Grunts) That complicates matters, but it's three lives against ninety. They slowly creep towards the Tower, taking care to see if there are any traps set. SCENE SEVEN Outside Team Tower, Vomit City SUPERPOPE and LADY SHINTO are both fighting outside the Tower, and are bruised considerably. REALLYHORRIBLEDUDE then appears from the shadows. REALLYHORRIBLEDUDE: Ah, Superpope and Lady Shinto. I take it The Flying Rabbi couldn't make it today? He flicks a switch, and a countdown begins from 5. SHINTO: Bloody a**hole-w***ing... The bomb explodes, engulfing SUPERPOPE and LADY SHINTO, as well as killing REALLYHORRIBLEDUDE. SHINTO: (Screaming) ...HELL!!! The explosion rockets towards Team Tower uncontrollably. SCENE EIGHT Main Gate, Evil Inc Tower, Dunlikus BUCKY and JENNY have their blasters drawn, and gently open the door. Both are confronted by NOT-NICE MAN, who knocks them both to the floor immediately, and calls out for backup. NOT-NICE MAN: (Shouts) Villains, ho! Three SUPERVILLAINS (All Lizards) drop from the shadows and surround BUCKY and JENNY. LIZARD #1: Lady Loudmouth! LIZARD #2: Lance-Corporal Clutz! LIZARD #3: Madame Whybother! JENNY: (Mockingly) Why bother, indeed? She is knocked out by LANCE-CORPORAL CLUTZ. CLUTZ: Frelling b****! LADY LOUDMOUTH also knocks BUCKY out, and they are dragged away. NOT- NICE MAN then flicks on a radio. NOT-NICE MAN: (Into radio) Doctor, we've captured Captain O' Hare, and Operation Knickers can begin. BADGUY: (Over radio) Well done, Not-Nice Man. Report back to Miss Mediocre and get ready. NOT-NICE MAN nods and leaves. SCENE NINE A Torture Room, Evil Inc Tower ABSURDGIRL, WONDER WENCH and LT. 5TH AVE are all trapped inside large energy bubbles that deflect their powers; completely impervious. SUPERTWERP is being torutred by another LIZARD, with two electrodes clamped to his teeth, and a strong electric current being charged into him. WONDER WENCH: (Shrieks) Stop it! You're killing him! SUPERTWERP: (After current is switched off) I'm going to kill you! BADGUY: You're in no position to kill anyone, my friend. For you see, you are already too late. ABSURDGIRL: So you're the moron planning to attack Vomit City! BADGUY: (Slyly) Why should I restrict myself to just one city? WONDER WENCH: What do you mean? BADGUY: After I destroy Vomit City, Evil Inc will be the top underwear producer on Genus. Except that our pants have been enhanced with recto- technology. When anyone on Genus wears them, they will become aggressive and will not be able to break free from my power ever again. LT. 5TH AVE: Dear God! BADGUY: And once I take over the UAC, I will be able to control many more planets. And so it will go on until the entire Aniverse is mine! He chuckles sinisterly and walks away with the LIZARD, leaving the superheroes to talk among themselves. SUPERTWERP: We have to get out of here! WONDER WENCH: But how can we when Dr. Badguy is holding all the cards? LT. 5TH AVE: (Dully) There's nothing we can do...just wait, and hope nothing happens to Bucky. OUTSIDE THE TORTURE ROOM... LADY LOUDMOUTH and LANCE-CORPORAL CLUTZ have dragged BUCKY and JENNY to outside the room. MADAME WHYBOTHER has previously left to help out elsewhere. CLUTZ: I never knew Aldebarans were so heavy to carry. LOUDMOUTH: (Booming voice) Just help me get the door open. BUCKY slowly rouses, and kicks his leg to one side, knocking LANCE- CORPORAL CLUTZ to the ground. JENNY comes around and begins to fight LADY LOUDMOUTH, as does BUCKY to LANCE-CORPORAL CLUTZ. BUCKY: Come on, big guy! Let's see what you're made of! JENNY kicks LADY LOUDMOUTH in the stomach, causing her to topple backwards and fall onto a concealed booby-trap. The hidden landmine explodes, scattering the corpse over a wide area. LANCE-CORPORAL CLUTZ stops to see what happens, and allows BUCKY to knock him unconcious. BUCKY: Come on! We have to rescue the others! They run into the Torture Room and set about freeing the others. ABSURDGIRL: Captain O' Hare! Jenny! WONDER WENCH: How did you get past those traps? JENNY: (Breaking the restraints) Simple, we looked where we were going. SUPERTWERP: Looked where you were going? My word, you're geniuses! I must tell Mr. Insensible that trick sometime! BUCKY: (Impatiently) We'll worry about that later, now come on! We have to reach Badguys' Control Room! They all run out and head down a corridor. SCENE TEN Control Room, Evil Inc Tower DR. BADGUY is observing Vomit City from his screens, while NOT-NICE MAN and MISS MEDIOCRE prepare the .P.*.S.S. for action. BADGUY: And to think, just one push of a button, and an entire city will fall to its' knees. No more Plasti-Girl, no more Lieutenant Frenetic, no more Mr. Insensible... BUCKY: (Interrupts) ...and no more insanity! It's over, Doctor! BADGUY: Is it now, Captain O' Hare? You are all too late! I have destroyed your precious Tower! LT. 5TH AVE: Is that why it's showing up on the scanner? DR. BADGUY is shocked to see that Team Tower still standing. BADGUY: (Stunned) B...But how? No building can stand up to an RBB! SUPERTWERP: It can if it has an indestructible forcefield. Now put your hands up, you're under arrest! BADGUY: (Shouts) Attack! NOT-NICE MAN and MISS MEDIOCRE leap down and fight. Their superior abilities mean that it is tough for the others, who can only fight hand to hand. Meanwhile, DR. BADGUY flicks a switch, and a countdown from 20 begins, and the .P.*.S.S. hums into life. BADGUY: So long, Vomit City! (laughs evilly, then coughs violently) BUCKY notices BADGUY with the remote control, and runs out of the fight and snatches it from DR. BADGUY'S hand. Immediately, he summons NOT- NICE MAN and MISS MEDIOCRE. BADGUY: (Roars) Stop him, you fools! He's taking the .P.*.S.S.! Stop him! But they can't, as they have been defeated by the others. BUCKY presses a button, and the countdown stops at 1. Filled with rage, DR. BADGUY lunges at BUCKY and JENNY with his mechanical claw, which pierces a piece of equipment on the .P.*.S.S. and clasps the claw tightly inside. BADGUY: (Grunting) Damn second-hand crap! Come on! SUPERTWERP: (Frantically) We have to get out of here, now! If he's pierced the endoskeleton on that thing, we'll all be blown to kingdom- come! They all run out, while DR. BADGUY desperately tries to break free. IN THE DESERTED COUNTRYSIDE... The heroes, along with BUCKY and JENNY, have reached the border between Dunlikus and Vomit City without stumbling on any traps. They all look back in time to see the Tower explode into a massive gas-cloud. All that is left is some charred rubble and DR. BADGUYS' mechanical arm, now battered and useless. BUCKY: That looks like the end of Dr. Badguy. SUPERTWERP: The end of Evil Inc, I fancy. With them out of the way, Vomit City can be safe once more. JENNY: And it also means that your spaceport can be completed on schedule! ABSURDGIRL: That's good to know, and I'm sure Captain Vomit will be pleased. SCENE ELEVEN Vomit City Railroad Station Having been repaired, the station is ready for use again. BUCKY and JENNY are on the next train back to Capital City. They are being seen off by all of The Team. KANSAS: You don't know how grateful we are to you. LT. 5TH AVE: Yeah, thanks to your help, Vomit City can be put back on the map. BUCKY: (Bashfully) Well, I think the thanks really should be going towards Mr. Insensible and Wonder Wench, they did most of the work. SPIDERMINX: But they didn't f***ing stop Evil Inc, did they? ABSURDGIRL: Yes, they did! JENNY: It's a shame about Superpope and Lady Shinto though. If they'd have been inside the shield, then they would've survived. KANSAS: Amen to that! The train pulls away, and the greetings are cut to a few waves and goodbyes, before the train is completely out of sight. SUPERTWERP: I'm going to miss them, you know. THE MONSTER re-appears from the direction of Dunlikus, eager for revenge. The Team get ready to fight. LT. 5TH AVE: (About the monster) Tony doesn't give up easily, does he? ABSURDGIRL: Bloody Hell, here we go again! THE END