Bucky O' Hare In Carry On Bucky or Fart Wars: Episode I - The Rectum Menace By Andrew Norris NOTE: The following is based on a true story by Natasha Ball. Although there have been accusations made otherwise, research has shown this to be complete Balls', from beginning to end. SCENE ONE The Righteous Indignation As the firgate hurdles through space, BUCKY is going over the same pieces of paper. JENNY looks on concerned. JENNY: You OK, Bucky? You seem nervous. BUCKY: (Reading papers) More concerned than nervous, Jen. I'm just trying to piece together what we have so far; it's not every day that someone in the Flatulon System calls for help. JENNY: Especially concerning the major theft of gas-masks. Who would want to steal them? BUCKY: I guess we'll find out once we get there. DEADEYE walks up from below, and helps himself to a glass of swamp- grass from the food dispenser. DEADEYE: Ah, quit yer jawing, lads 'n' lasses! At least we ain't with them panthers! BUCKY: (Looks up) Why? DEADEYE: Ain't ya heard the news, laddie? The panthers are gettin' a li'l concerned about some radical reform. JENNY: It's a guerilla army who want to take over the running of Noctur 4. They call themselves the Team Wishing the Eradication of Ridiculous Panthers, but it's shortened down to the abbreviation: TWERP. BUCKY: That's understandable, but for now, let's concentrate on what we're doing. SCENE TWO The Flatulon System The Righteous Indignation flies into what is supposed to be a large planetary system, but there are only two planets. The first is a planet resembling Genus in many ways, and the second is a pale-green Gas Giant, perhaps double the estimated size of Jupiter. BLINKY: (Points to Gas Giant) Planet Fartus Major, 285,600 km in diameter at the equator. Average day: 15 hours. Surface temperature: - 25 degrees centigrade. Atmoshere contains hazardly-high levels of methane gas. JENNY: And maybe it might have something to do with the gas-mask thefts. BUCKY: (Scratches his chin) Maybe, but let's see what happens when we land. JENNY: Changing course for Fartus Minor now, Bucky. The Righteous slows up as it heads for the first planet. JENNY: So, who do we have to see when we land? BUCKY flicks through his papers again. BUCKY: Someone called Primrose, she's the gas-mask manufacturer, but that's all it says. JENNY nods, and brings the ship in to land. SCENE THREE Fartus Minor The planet is almost completely desert, with no signs of life except for the odd village here and there. Near the north pole is a single city, presumably the capital. There are only two factories that appear to be operational, while everything else is either derelict or closed. As the Righteous pulls up, A FEMALE LEOPARD in a business suit waves at them, and the Righteous slowly lands alongside her, who greets them all. LEOPARD: (Lisps) Welcome Captain O' Hare, I am Primrose, the UAC told me you were coming. SECONDARY GUNNER NATALIE FARRELL steps out along with BUCKY, JENNY and DEADEYE. NATALIE: Erm, sorry. We were only told about someone called Primrose, not Primrothe. PRIMROSE: Sorry, I have a lisp. NATALIE: A lithp? What's that? JENNY: (Sighs) She has a lisp, Natalie. NATALIE: No I don't! PRIMROSE: Anyway, welcome to my factory. She points to the factory behind them. On the wall is a sign reading: .P.U. SMELLIE & CO. RESPIRATORS & GAS-MASKS. BUCKY: So, any ideas on who might have stolen the gas-masks? PRIMROSE: Not just yet, but I think you'd better take a look at what they left behind first. She leads them through the huge iron gates... INSIDE THE FACTORY... Several LEOPARDS are going about their work, manufacturing all forms of respirators and gas-masks imaginable. PRIMROSE leads the group over to a table, where the evidence has been placed. PRIMROSE: These are the only clues we have to finding them; we've gathered them up as the robberies have continued. BUCKY: Why didn't you just alert the police? PRIMROSE: There isn't a police force on Fartus Minor, and as for my security guards, you can't get the staff these days. She represents a few ceramic chippings in a clear plastic bag to them. PRIMROSE: Found in Storage last week, and this graffitti was all over the walls the next day. She shows some photos of brick walls with graffitti reading CAPITALIST SCUM and THE UAC ARE INFIDELS. PRIMROSE: Finally, there's this. She shows them an ID card with the name scribbled out and the photo ripped off. PRIMROSE: (Continued) A pass for the Pratt and Sons factory. NATALIE: Erm, don't you mean a path TO the Pratt and Sons factory? DEADEYE: (Sighs) She said "pass", ya lubber. But it don't tell us nothin'. BUCKY: Oh, yes it does, and these chippings could tell us more. SCENE FOUR Back at The Righteous Indignation BLINKY is scanning the chippings, and then looks up. BLINKY: Substance has the molecular composition of ceramics formed by isostatic pressing. This form of ceramic is used exclusively with bathroom fittings. DEADEYE: (Whines) That ain't no good! Anyone coulda dropped that! And exactly what do Pratt & Sons have to do with this? JENNY: More than we can imagine, Deadeye. Natalie and I placed a camera outside their factory, and it turns out they supply bathroom fittings. DEADEYE: Then what are we waitin' for? Let's go rush 'em! BUCKY: Easy, Deadeye. First of all, we have to wait until someone makes a move, and then find out what their motives are. NATALIE: Maybe because there are only two major businesses, Pratt wants Primrose out of the way and so decides to steal their products. JENNY: (Ponders) Hmm, you might be onto something there, Natalie. He can't expand himself into a commercial empire and decides to wipe out his rivals instead. BLINKY: Humble robot suggest infiltration of warehouse for more evidence to support such a conclusion. BUCKY: OK, Blinky. We'll go with your idea, I'll go and check on the warehouse at night while you all check on the cameras. Let me know over the radio if anyones' coming. ALL: (In unison) Right! BUCKY: It's 5:30 now, so we'll strike in 4 hours time. 9:30 PM... BUCKY sneaks out in the darkness wearing a black suit. As there are no street lights and no means of visibility said for the internal factory lights, BUCKY moves about freely. PRATT & SONS FACTORY... BUCKY arrives in front of a dilapitated factory that looks more like a converted farm. Lighting up the sign with his torch, BUCKY reads the sign. BUCKY: "Pratt and Sons, Bidet Manufacturers. Established 3221." He whispers into a radio underneath his balaclava. BUCKY: Is there anyone coming, Jen? AT THE RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION... JENNY, DEADEYE and BLINKY are watching some monitors that show the CCTV images of the factory. JENNY: You're all clear, Bucky. Just be careful. BUCKY: (Over radio) Don't worry about me, Jenny. Right now, I just want to know what's going on. They all watch as BUCKY runs into the courtyard on the screen, and sneaks into the factory. SCENE FIVE Warehouse No. 1, Pratt & Sons Factory BUCKY is sliding himself down on a rope from the ceiling, trying to avoid the lasers on the ground below. BUCKY: (To himself) Here we go. He swings back and forth until he grabs onto a nearby desk. Apparently unlocked, he finds several sheets of paper, and a letter. BUCKY: (Reads letter) "To be brought to the attention of Mrs. Ima Pratt. Dear Mrs. Pratt, We are grateful to your co-operation with the theft of the required gas-masks and are pleased that you have made a contribution towards the Toad Empire. You shall be paid the requested 3,000 simoleons tomorrow evening at eleven o' clock. Pilot Officer Wallace Adder"!. BUCKY switches on the radio. BUCKY: Jenny, I've just found proof that this place is responsible for the thefts! JENNY: (Over radio) Great work, Bucky! Now we just have to figure out why they're doing it. BUCKY: No time to explain, I need to get out. BUCKY scrambles back to the roof as two FIGURES walk into the room. The first is the Toad airman PILOT OFFICER ADDER, and the second being an ELDERLY FEMALE LEOPARD in rather outdated clothes. ELDERLEY LEOPARD: (Frail) I appreciate how much you're paying for these gas-masks, Officer. ADDER: Naturally, we don't usually pay any mammals at all, but as these gas-masks are especially designed, they're vital for our war-effort. BUCKY begins to record the conversation on a tape built into his belt, while he takes pictures from the rooftop. ELDERLEY LEOPARD: Why? Can't the Empire find the correct purification codes? ADDER: Indeed no, but as these are designed exclusively for Fartus Major, they shall be useful for our job. ELDERLEY LEOPARD: (Holds out a hand) And I get enough money to pay my debts? ADDER: (Smiles) Indeed so. He suddenly stabs her with a dagger, and she collapses to the floor. ADDER then starts to rummage through the desk until he finds a piece of paper. He then pulls out a communicator. ADDER: Toad Air Marshal, sir, this is Pilot Officer Adder reporting. The gas-masks are being stored at a deserted village named Much- Burping-On-The-Green. AIR MARSHAL: (Over radio) What is the villages' exact location? ADDER: 7 miles NW of my current position. Grid reference: 010 .R.E. SCENE SIX The Righteous Indignation The Righteous is flying over the wastelands of Fartus Minor in the early morning. JENNY: Well, here we are 010 .R.E. Are you sure Adder wasn't just bluffing? BUCKY: To my knowledge, Adder has many connections to the ST, he couldn't lie to KOMPLEX even if he was to say they'd lost the war. NATALIE: Maybe he said it to try and draw you off the scent. BRUISER: But den he woulda blasted Bucky if he knew us guys' were on his tail. JENNY: Natalies' right though; maybe Adder had picked up the wrong invoice. BUCKY: Jenny, my great uncle was a Police Major and he got 100 crank letters daily. The one he ignored was the one that killed him, we can't take any chances. NATALIE: Look! Down there! I see it! Down below are the remainders of a tiny village, looking as though it were abandoned in an attack some years ago and never re-visited. The village consists of a few houses, a post office and a church. The Righteous slowly lands outside the post office and the crew look around. BLINKY: Humble robot has scanned area and found no other life-forms besides crew of good ship Righteous Indignation. BUCKY: And the gas-masks? BLINKY: This humble android is designed only to scan for life-forms, not inanimate objects. JENNY: So, I assume we just fan out and search? BLINKY: Correct, but time is limited. I detect awful Toad Officer Adder approaching village. BUCKY: (Pulls out blaster) Come on, we've got work to do. They all walk about, looking through the houses and so forth, but find nothing. DEADEYE sits down in the cobbled square, and one of the cobbles sinks into the ground, as do the others. NATALIE: (Runs up) Good grief! What a load of cobblers! Out of the ground springs a small hole, where the gas-masks are being hidden. BUCKY, JENNY and BLINKY all jump in and the gap seals immediately behind them. Just as it closes, BUCKY notices a jeep drive up and PILOT OFFICER ADDER steps out with several STORMTOADS. ADDER: Alright, men! We have no idea where the masks are hidden exactly, so fan out and search! Sergeant Bullock if you can search that way, and Corporal Flasher, that way! One of the STORMTOADS notices the Righteous and points it out. STORMTOAD #1: Pilot Officer, sir! Captain O' Hares' here somewhere! ADDER: Well, Private Parts, then perhaps you'd care to take a look inside! PRIVATE PARTS walks inside, but is then battered to pieces by BRUISER inside. PRIVATE PARTS re-appears, tied up in a knot. PARTS: (Squeaky voice) Perimiter secured, sir. ADDER: Good, now maybe we can get on with looking for these confounded gas-masks! STORMTOAD #2: (Mutters) Some hope! ADDER overhears this remark and walks up to the STORMTOAD. ADDER: What is your name? STORMTOAD #2: Strapp, sir. Private Jock Strapp. ADDER: (Sharply) Then, Mr. Jock Strapp, if you do want KOMPLEX to commend you for this mission, then get on with your search! JOCK STRAPP suddenly trips over the cobble, exposing BUCKY. JENNY, BLINKY and the gas-masks. ADDER: (Slyly) Well, done, Private! You've killed two birds with one stone, and I intend to kill two mammals with one bomb! LATER... All the STORMTOADS are lined up in the square, and ADDER is ticking them off the register. By now, a Toad cruiser has arrived to pick up the gas-masks, and JENNY and BUCKY have been tied to a signpost along with BLINKY. ADDER: (Reads register) Sergeant Bullock. BULLOCK: Yes, sir. ADDER: Corporal Flasher? FLASHER: Yes, sir. ADDER: Parts? PARTS: Mechanical or organic, sir? ADDER: (Slaps Parts) Shut up! Jock Strapp? STRAPP: Yes, I have. ADDER: What? STRAPP: I have one back at the barracks, sir. ADDER: (Growls) If anyone makes another wisecrack, they'll join O' Hare for the Big Bang! One or two TOADS muffle their laughter. ADDER: Now, then. Private Property. STORMTOAD #3: Yes, sir. ADDER: Private First Class Mail. STORMTOAD #4: Yes, sir. ADDER: Private James Henry Gordon Thomas Annie Clarabel Jasper Umbrella-Stand Horatio Hornblower If-I-Could-Walk-That-Way Stephen Monty Python Stoat-Gobbler Brian Telescope Don't-Sleep-In-The-Subway Barton Mainwaring Biscuit-Barrel Edward Hugo Puffy AmiYumi Brown Smith. STORMTOAD #5: Yes, sir. ADDER: (Smiles) Good, you're all here. Now, I'm sorry to leave you, Captain O' Hare, but I must dash. BUCKY: (Snaps) Just tell me why Fartus Major is so important to you! And why the Leopards would ever agree to help you! ADDER: Don't you know, Captain? A large portion of leopards are TWERPs! JENNY: So, what? We knew that already! ADDER: (Continued) They agreed to help with our conquest of Noctur 4 against the panthers. We plan to poison the planet into submission by sucking Fartus Major of its' atmosphere and using it like mustard gas. BLINKY: Humble robot finds suggestion illogical. No existing suction units can harness entire planetary atmosphere. ADDER: Exactly! No *existing* ones, but mighty KOMPLEX kindly built a large enough one into this very cruiser! He turns to go, while PRIVATE PROPERTY and PRIVATE PARTS place a bomb beneath BUCKYS' feet. ADDER looks at them from the cruisers' ramp. ADDER: A slimebomb, my friends. The same kind we used on Earth, so I think you know the consequences. Goodbye, O' Hare! It hasn't been pleasant! The STORMTOADS file into the cruiser and it speeds away. NATALIE suddenly arrives, and switches off the bomb and starts to untie BUCKY. NATALIE: Anything interesting happen while I was gone? JENNY: Lets' see, we were captured by Toads, they stole the gas-masks, tried to kill us and heavily-sedated Bruiser. No, you didn't miss much (!) BUCKY: Where were you and Deadeye, anyway? NATALIE: We were checking an old farm about a mile north. Deadeye's coming back now. BUCKY: (Rubs his wrists) Did you find anything in the end? NATALIE: Just some paperwork; Deadeyes' bringing it back now. DEADEYE arrives with a file containing one or two printed sheets of paper. DEADEYE: That flea-bitten rat didn't have no bills! JENNY examines the file. JENNY: (Reads papers) "15 missiles to be detonated inside Toad Cruisers upon landing on Noctur 4, cash on delivery." NATALIE: Yes, they wanted to get rid of the Toads once Noctur had been poisoned. BLINKY: Noctur is safe, humble robot has hatched clever plan against awful Toad selves. DEADEYE: What ye be talkin' about, laddie? SCENE SEVEN Fartus Major The Cruiser hovers in mid-air while the STORMTOADS disembark. ADDER watches from the Cruiser while a large hosepipe is fed out onto the planets' surface. ADDER: (Shouts) Hurry up, lads! We need to get this done before those scientists get here! MAIL: (Moves pipe) Phew! What's that smell? STRAPP: Yeah, I smell it too! PRIVATE FIRST CLASS MAIL slaps PRIVATE JOCK STRAPP over the head. STRAPP: (Rubs face) What was that for? MAIL: You farted, you dirty bleeder! STRAPP: I did not! Umbrella-Rubella-Queue-at-the-bus-stop did! JAMES-HENRY ETC: No, I didn't! And my name is James Henry Gordon Thomas Annie Clarabel Jasper Umbrella-Stand Horatio Hornblower If-I-Could- Walk-That-Way Stephen Monty Python Stoat-Gobbler Brian Telescope Don't- Sleep-In-The-Subway Barton Mainwaring (pants for breath) Biscuit-Barrel Edward Hugo Puffy AmiYumi Brown Smith to you!. MAIL: (Snaps) Don't lie! JAMES-HENRY ETC: I'm not! It was him! He points to SERGEANT BULLOCK, and they all rush him. ADDER becomes aware of the smell and realizes that the gas-masks have been tampered with. ADDER: (Mutters) That android damaged the masks! He walks up to the TOADS to break up the matter. ADDER: (Shouts) Stop it, you idiots! That android has ruined the respirators! No-one has farted! They all stop for a moment, but then rush on ADDER. SCENE EIGHT UAC HQ, Genus FRITZ is writing something in his book with CLAIRE SHEFFIELD looking over his shoulder. CLAIRE: What are you doing, Chairman? FRITZ: An intelligence exam, Claire. Something compulsory for politicians. He reads one question out loud. FRITZ: (Reads question) "If it takes 5 men 15 hours to build a brick wall, how long will it take 10 men to build a brick wall?" CLAIRE: Is it a different wall? FRITZ: (Sighs) No, Claire, it's the same wall. CLAIRE: So, are they building the wall again because they didn't like it the first time? FRITZ: Claire, they're building this wall at the same time! CLAIRE: Then what were the ten men doing when the five men were building the wall? FRITZ: (Loses his patience) It's a rhetorical wall! CLAIRE: I thought you said it was brick! FRITZ: Honestly, Claire, talking to you is like talking to a wall! CLAIRE: Rhetorical or brick? BUCKY, JENNY and NATALIE enter, and FRITZ smiles. FRITZ: (Gleefully) At last, someone intelligent? What news have you of Fartus? JENNY: We found the Stormtoads fighting amongst each other outside the Cruiser, thanks to Blinkys' quick thinking. BUCKY: Which means that TWERP will be at a stalemate; the collected gas is going to be used by the panthers as a defence mechanism. FRITZ: But what of Adder? Didn't you find him? NATALIE: I'm afraid, like most snakes, he was able to sneak away. FRITZ: Well, how many Toads are in custody, anyway? JENNY: Six, all on Conva now giving us as much information as we can get out of them. BUCKY: And as for the old Bidet factory, it's been taken over by Mrs. Smellies' brother. He shows FRITZ a calling card, which reads: KNICK-KNACKERS INC. PAPERWEIGHTS & SNOWGLOBES MR. P. NISS - OWNER & PROPRIETOR FRITZ: And what of Mrs. Pratt? What can we learn from her? NATALIE: Not much if she's dead! But we did find this old directory at the factory. BUCKY: It has the names of all the TWERPs she was associated with. FRITZ is handed the directory and quickly flicks through it. JENNY: Dogstar, Mimi and Raul are starting to round up the main ringleaders; Andy is taking care of the minors. FRITZ: Well done, Captain! All I can say is, carry on, Bucky! CLAIRE: (Confused) Nobody told me Adder was a snake. THE END