Bucky O' Hare In In The Army Now By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE Planet Warren The Hare populous are going about their everyday business as far removed from the war as possible, when a Toad Croaker flies overhead with PRIVATE RUDOLPH DIESEL at the controls. As the Croaker lands at a hangar, a HARE TECHNICIAN is busy repairing another craft while listening to In the Army Now by Status Quo on a radio. RADIO: (Sombre) A vacation in a foreign land, Uncle Sam does the best he can, You're in the Army now, Oh, whoa, you're in the Army now... THE TECHNICIAN turns off the radio when he sees the Croaker and walks over to greet him. TECHNICIAN: (French Accent) Are you OK, my friend? DIESEL: (Annoyed) No, I am not OK. TECHNICIAN: And why is that? DIESEL: Let me see: A Berserker Baboon hates me, Toads have captured my friends, and the Croaker is out of fuel! TECHNICIAN: (Intrigued) Toads, you say? And I take it you came here to alert the Warren Fleet, yes? DIESEL: (Offers a handshake) That's right. I'm Private Diesel, UAC Medical Corps. TECHNICIAN: (Shakes his hand) I am Lieutenant-Colonel Ross Washer of the Warren Marines. If you want the fleet, you're too late. They left yesterday to play war games with the Noctur 4 Military. DIESEL: Can't you do anything? WASHER: My branch of the Marines is the Technical Division; all I do is repair the spacecraft. DIESEL: Surely your troops can do something! WASHER: (Sighs) My men are on strike over pay, so I'm left to do everything on my own! These are hard times for me at the moment, but maybe he can do something. He points over to a MERKAT standing by a garbage scow and emptying the waste into a landfill. WASHER: That's Commodore Sinclair Wells. He helped Captain O' Hare to avert an invasion three months ago, and I'm sure he'll be glad to help, now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. He switches the radio back on while DIESEL goes over to speak to SINCLAIR. RADIO: Smiling faces as you wait to land, But once you get there, no one gives a damn, You're in the Army now, Oh, whoa, you're in the Army now... DIESEL: (To Sinclair) Commodore Wells? SINCLAIR: (Spins around) That's me, Commodore Sinclair Wells - Mammalian Sanitation Corps. What can I do for you? DIESEL: I need some help, as Captain O' Hare has been captured by the Toads! SINCLAIR: (Uninterested) And? DIESEL: Well...I was hoping that you'd be able to help me. SINCLAIR: Listen son, the last time I fought the Toads, I lost 80% of my fleet, and as there's only me and my Sergeant left, I'd rather get on with my deliveries if that is OK. Why haven't you done something? DIESEL says nothing, and allows SINCLAIR to get back to his work. SCENE TWO The Toad Mothership BUCKY, JENNY, BRUISER, BLINKY and DEADEYE are all in separate prison cells. BRUISERS' cell has been reinforced with extra plates of metal to prevent the brute from escaping. WING COMMANDER SLUDGE is speaking to KOMPLEX on a large television screen adjacent to the cells. KOMPLEX: (Smiles) Excellent, Wing Commander! You have done well! SLUDGE: I feel the victory should not be on behalf of myself, mighty KOMPLEX. The capture of Captain O' Hare was purely by default. He simply played into our hands. KOMPLEX: Come now, Sludge, don't be modest. Now that you have O' Hare, then you must kill him for me if you want to be my Group Captain. SLUDGE: (Salutes) At once, mighty KOMPLEX! The screen fades, and he turns to BUCKY. SLUDGE: I'll deal with you later, Captain. Right now, I have better matters to attend to! He walks out, and knocks a radio set as he leaves. The RADIO plays the same song as the one from Warren. RADIO: You'll be the hero of the neighbourhood, Nobody knows that you left for good, You're in the Army now, Oh, whoa, you're in the Army now... BUCKY blasts the radio with his maser pistol and snarls. BUCKY: (Angry) I get enough trouble from Toad TV; I don't need Toad Radio to start! DEADEYE: Aye, an' we wouldn't be here if that yellow-bellied Diesel hadn't chickened out on us! JENNY: And it looks like Bruiser was right, we shouldn't have trusted him. BRUISER: (Guilty) Uh, you guys. I have a confession to make. DEADEYE: What it be, Bruiser? BRUISER: Well, uh, I kind of...got talkin' with Diesel. He said that Bucky didn't know nothin', and that the Righteous was falling to pieces. So, I asked him to help fix the Photon Accelerator, but he made it go haywire. BUCKY: (Ponders) Well, you shouldn't have talked him into it, but it wasn't your fault that he screwed up the Accelerator. Willy is sure going to be mad when he gets back. JENNY: (Snaps fingers) That's it! Willy is still OK, so if we can get him here, he might just be able to get us out! She concentrates as her spell gems begin to glow slightly. JENNY: (In thought) < Willy? Are you there? Willy, answer me! > WILLY: (In Jennys' mind) < This isn't a good time, Jen. I've got a test on hydrodynamics tomorrow, and this is my last chance to study! > JENNY: < Sorry Willy, but we're in a heap of trouble. > WILLY: < What kind of trouble? > JENNY: < We've just been taken prisoner by the Toads, and you're the only one who can get us out! > WILLY: < You got it, Jenny! I'm on my way! > JENNY awakes from her trances and turns to face BUCKY. JENNY: He's on his way, and if I know Willy, those Toads will have one hell of a surprise! BUCKY: (Grimly) Let's just hope that Willy gets to us before Sludge does. SCENE THREE Warren LT. COL. ROSS WASHER is helping DIESEL to climb into a fighter that has just been repaired. WASHER goes to turn off the radio before talking to DIESEL, while the song continues to play before being switched off. RADIO: Now you remember what the draft man said, Nothing to do all day but stay in bed, You're in the Army now, Oh, whoa, you're in the Army now... DIESEL: (To Washer) So, what do I do? WASHER: Nothing, the ship is completely automated. All you need do is set a course and it'll do the job for you. DIESEL: But what if the Toads start attacking me? WASHER: The fighter has a safety system that we (cough) borrowed from the Toads. Should they attack, the craft will fight them to the bitter end while you're teleported to your exact destination. DIESEL: (Stutters nervously) N...Now wait a minute! I'm a medic, not a fighter! WASHER: (Sternly) You won't be doing the fighting, the spacecraft will. WASHER walks off, and DIESEL grumbles incoherently to himself for a moment. DIESEL: (To Fighter) Set course for Toxus Four at once. FIGHTER: (Feminine computer voice) Setting course for Toxus Four now. DIESEL lurches back in his seat as the fighter zooms off into space. SCENE FOUR The Toad Mothership WILLY has arrived and is hiding under a workbench. He signals BUCKY with a thumbs-up when WING COMMANDER SLUDGE arrives, and WILLY grabs an iron bar under the table. SLUDGE: (Looks at radio) Pity, as you will bear a similar appearance to this when I am finished with you, Captain O' Hare! BUCKY: Don't be so sure, as I intend to get out sooner than you think! SLUDGE: (Snorts) As a pile of dust? I don't think so! What I have in mind for you is so sinister, I am even afraid of it, look! He flicks a couple of controls, and before them stands what appears to be an iron maiden with the spikes glowing with electricity. DEADEYE: (Waves fists) Bring it on, ya fly-suckin' varmint! I ain't afraid o' no fancy curling iron! SLUDGE: For your information, this is a Haemoglobic Distorting Unit. No, you won't be stabbed to death; this device has been delivered courtesy of Frankenstoat shortly before he was...indisposed. DEADEYE: (Grunts) Arrested, you mean! SLUDGE: Yes, by you and your pathetic girlfriend! But soon she won't have to worry about you any longer. Once you step inside, this machine will inject thousands of probes inside your bloodstreams. They will stick to your blood cells and rob them of their oxygen, slowly suffocating your body! A STORMTOAD waddles in, screaming for SLUDGE. STORMTOAD: Commander! Commander Sludge, sir! There's a fighter approaching the... whoa! He trips up over WILLY'S iron bar, and falls flat on his face, accidentally switching on a radio set and the large video screen. On it is the automatic fighter attacking several double-bubbles outside the Mothership. As this goes on, the radio plays the same Status Quo song as before RADIO: Hand grenades flying over your head... The automatic fighter fires a maser at the Motherships' hull, and the torture room jostles under the impact. RADIO: Missiles flying over your head, If you want to survive, get out of bed, You're in the Army now, Oh, whoa, you're in the Army now. SLUDGE grabs the radio on the STORMTOADS' belt, who wanders around dizzily. SLUDGE: Shoot down that blasted thing! Get him! While the Double Bubbles continue to fire, WILLY trips up the STORMTOAD again and he falls unconscious after his head hits the floor. SLUDGE spins around to look at the STORMTOAD. SLUDGE: (Snaps) Have you been drinking, man? BUCKY: (Shouts) Willy, now! WILLY leaps out and tries to hit SLUDGE with the iron bar. SLUDGE tries to deflect the knocks with his own arm, but his inferior strength is no match for the hairless baboon. RADIO: Shots ring out in the dead of night, The Sergeant calls "Stand up and fight!" You're in the Army now, Oh, whoa, you're in the Army now... WILLY smashes the screen as he swirls the iron bar around, and SLUDGE trips up, narrowly missing the spikes inside the Distortion Unit. SLUDGE: (To Willy) Now, you silly little boy, you'll see why you and your friends will never defeat the Toad Empire. He grabs WILLY and spins him around so that WILLY'S back is facing the spikes. SLUDGE tries to shove WILLY inside the machine, but WILLY is grabbing onto the exterior in order to protect himself. SLUDGE: (Laughs evilly) Bye bye, Willy! WILLY, out of pure force, kicks SLUDGE in the genitals and escapes from SLUDGES' clutches. As SLUDGE cries out in pain, DIESEL suddenly materializes before them, with his blaster at the ready, while WILLY sets about releasing BUCKY and the crew. SLUDGE looks up at DIESEL with his eyes watering. SLUDGE: (Slyly) Ah, good, another mammal to add to my tally! DIESEL: (Snarls) What have you done to Bucky? SLUDGE: Nothing, yet, but I will do eventually and you will join him! SLUDGE draws his own blaster, and the two stare at one another, waiting for the first one to move. Meanwhile, BUCKY has been released along with the others. BUCKY: (Shouts) Diesel! Shoot the machine! If you don't, it'll kill you first! SLUDGE: But if he does destroy it, then this ship will be destroyed, and if he kills me, Private Diesel will sink down to my level and KOMPLEX will have all the more reason to annihilate your friends. RADIO: You've got your orders, better shoot on sight, The fingers on the trigger but it don't seem right, You're in the Army now, Oh, whoa, you're in the Army now... DIESEL: (Mutters) I let you down once before Bucky, and I won't let you down again! He fires at the machine, and it explodes. BUCKY, WILLY, DIESEL and the rest begin to run out as the ship catches fire. All that remains of SLUDGE is a charred medal with a partly burned ribbon. SCENE FIVE Corridor, The Toad Mothership Several STORMTOADS are evacuating to the Escape Pods and Double Bubbles to elude the fire. There is so much panic that none of them seem to care about BUCKY and the rest. DIESEL however is beginning to succumb to the fumes, but BRUISER helps him to run. BRUISER: (Coughs) I ain't going to let my buddy get all burned up! They pass a loudspeaker, playing a very distorted song. RADIO: (Blurred) Divers falling and you just can't see, Is this illusion or reality? You're in the Army now, Oh, whoa, you're in the Army, in the Army now... They finally reach the Righteous Indignation, and JENNY begins the launch sequence, but something is wrong. JENNY: (Panicky) The fire has caused four of our main engines to fail, and with what we have, we're a few pounds overweight! Unless we lighten the load, we're not going to make it! DIESEL: (Marches up to the hatch) It's my mess, and I have to put it right. He jumps out, and the Righteous suddenly spins off. Before JENNY can turn the Righteous around, the Mothership suddenly explodes into smithereens. Everyone hangs their heads low, particularly BRUISER. SCENE SIX Genus Memorial Gardens, Genus, much later A plaque has been set up in the gardens for DIESEL. On it reads: PTE. RUDOLPH HERMAN DIESEL 3204-3226 GENUS MEDICAL CORPS LEST WE FORGET At a ceremony, BUCKY, JENNY, DEADEYE, BRUISER and a bandaged MIMI are gathered, dressed in black. Joining them are COMMODORE SINCLAIR WELLS and LIEUTENANT-COLONEL ROSS WASHER. Performing the ceremony is FATHER HARLEY. HARLEY: ...and we shall remember him for all eternity for his chivalrous actions, amen. ALL: Amen. As the crowd moves off, BRUISER takes one last look at the plaque before moving off. SINGERS: You're in the Army now, Oh, whoa, you're in the Army, in the Army now... THE END