Bucky O' Hare In Bucky's Army By Andrew Norris SCENE ONE Chairman Warner's Office FRITZ is sat at his desk, sorting out piles of paper, when his intercom beeps. MISS SHEFFIELD: (On Radio) Captain O' Hare is here to see you, sir. FRITZ: Send him in. BUCKY enters. FRITZ puts down his paper, and looks up at him. BUCKY: You sent for me? FRITZ: Yes, Bucky. You already know that I've decided to establish a Home Guard unit on Genus? BUCKY: Yes. What's this got to do with me? FRITZ: I thought you'd like to know who the commanding officer would be. BUCKY: Well, who? FRITZ: It's you. BUCKY: (Shocked) What? I can't run a platoon AND patrol space at the same time! FRITZ: Sorry, but you were the only one who seemed suited for the job. Besides, they're a voluntary service. You won't get as much paperwork as me. BUCKY: Some of the volunteers are well past their prime, Fritz. Some were too old even during the first Toad invasions. FRITZ: That's as maybe, but as long as they can still fire a gun, that's fine by me. BUCKY: Providing their fingers don't fall off first. Anyway, what about budget? They're won't be enough funding for a platoon! FRITZ: I've told you! It's a Voluntary Service! They'll have their own weapons! Now, I want you to meet the platoon at Sol Avery's Meeting Hall tonight at 7:00 BUCKY: When will you mention the scheme? FRITZ: (Pulling a microphone from his desk) Now. BUCKY exits, as FRITZ tries to switch on the microphone. SCENE TWO Sapphire Eyes Jewellers, Genus JENNY and HANNAH are admiring the jewellery on sale in the shop. HANNAH is intrigued by several pieces of Celtic designs, while JENNY gazes at several beautiful sapphire rings. A radio in the background plays a lively jazz tune. HANNAH: Say, Jenny. What do you think of these earrings? JENNY: I think those would look good on you. Can you really see me wearing one of these? HANNAH looks at the sapphires. HANNAH: (Pointing at one ring) That looks nice, but I really don't know. I'm more interested in the Gothic section. JENNY: (Jokingly) I had noticed. (Calls the assistant) Excuse me! An ASSISTANT, a vole in his mid-fifties, comes over. ASSISTANT: Can I help you, miss? JENNY: Do you have any pearl rings? ASSISTANT: Certainly. I'll go get them for you. As the two continue to gaze at the luscious gems, The ASSISTANT searches across several displays at the back of the shop. The Radio begins to play an announcement by FRITZ. FRITZ: (On Radio) It has been decided by the United Animals Coalition Security Council that a special service will be set up for those wishing to do something in the service of Genus. The three begin to listen; the ASSISTANTS' cloudy, green eyes look up in interest. FRITZ: (Continued) We want large numbers of such people, no matter what species they are, between the ages of 16 and 70, to join this group, which will be known as The Genus Home Guard, which will be commanded by space hero, Captain Bucky O' Hare. To join, simply give your name in at the nearest Police Station. JENNY and HANNAH become confused, the ASSISTANT is beaming happily. JENNY: Bucky? Why is he Commanding Officer? HANNAH: You know Fritz. He'll just grab the officer nearest to his office. ASSISTANT: (Jumps over the counter) If you'll excuse me, ladies. I need to join up with the Home Guard! JENNY: What about the Jewellery? ASSISTANT: Just take it! Consider it a present! Cheerio! He dashes out, while HANNAH helps herself to a Celtic ring. HANNAH: (To Jenny) Now that's service! SCENE THREE Police Station #12, Genus THE POLICE SERGEANT, a young shrew in his early thirties, is swamped with several mammals, old and young. Many are Foxes, Mice, Crows, Partridges and even the odd Hare. SERGEANT: (Shouting) Settle down, everyone! Please! They do. SERGEANT: Now, I want you all to get in a queue. I'll take your particulars, and then I'll tell you what to do. As they begin to assemble a line, THE ASSISTANT runs in. ASSISTANT: I've come to join The Home Guard. SERGEANT: You'll have to wait until I've taken your particulars, and then I'll tell you where to go. ASSISTANT: That's a waste of time, Captain O' Hare can do all that! SERGEANT: Name, please. Before THE ASSISTANT can speak, a PARTRIDGE interrupts him. PARTRIDGE: Wait a minute! I was here first! The crowd unsettles again. THE POLICE SERGEANT gets on top of his desk. SERGEANT: Shut up, all of you! If you want to give your references to Captain O' Hare, then meet him at Sol Avery's' Meeting Hall at 7:00 with any weapon you have at home. They all bustle out of The Police Station and scatter. THE POLICE SERGEANT pulls out a bottle of liqueur from his desk, as a Female Shrew, A CONSTABLE, walks out from The Interrogation room. CONSTABLE: What was all that about? SERGEANT: Don't ask, Mary. Don't ask. SCENE FOUR Sol Avery's Meeting Hall, That Night The Meeting Hall is more like a War Memorial, with portraits scattered around the place, depicting famous war heroes from the First Toad Wars and even before that. The crowd from The Police Station are now in a smart line, dressed in out-of-date uniforms with antiquated weapons. Some have come in street clothes, with pitchforks or shovels. BUCKY starts to inspect the line at the far end, by a frail STOAT in a Uniform rather like that of the Boer War. His weapon is a rusty WW2 rifle, which has been given a lot of care and attention. BUCKY: I see you've given your rifle a good looking after. STOAT: That's right, sir. I got that rifle along with this uniform during The Toad Invasion of Gollobas, back in 3196. I've also got the bayonet for it here. He fixes a crumbling bayonet to his rifle. It fits perfectly. BUCKY: What is your name, Private...? STOAT: Corporal, sir. Corporal Issac Kingston of the Royal Stoat Fusiliers of Canis 7. BUCKY: Welcome aboard, Corporal. He moves to the next person. He is A MOUSE, wearing a posh business suit of scarlet and blue, with an early maser rifle as a weapon. BUCKY recognises him almost instantly. BUCKY: Councillor Fievel Mousekewitz! FIEVEL: (Timid) Err...Hi Captain. BUCKY: What are you doing here? FIEVEL: Work in the Coalition has been kind of slow since the incident with Private Snoek, so I decided to grab a bit of action. BUCKY, taking FIEVELS' advice, walks down the line. The next person is A PARTRIDGE, with a shovel for a weapon. His suit is merely like a farmer. BUCKY: That's a formidable weapon. PARTRIDGE: (Scottish Accent) It's nae just a weapon. I've got a wee job to do after sundown. BUCKY: You're an undertaker? A Gardener, perhaps? PARTRIDGE: A Funeral Director. Former Admiral of the Toxus 6 Navy, 3199-3204. BUCKY: And your name is? PARTRIDGE: The kids just call me The Cock O' The North. BUCKY: I mean your real name. PARTRIDGE: Admiral George Blade, sir. He moves to the next person, A 67 year-old CROW in a 1940s' uniform of St. John Ambulance. His weapon is merely a shotgun with polished wooden sides. BUCKY: That's a smart uniform you have. CROW: Thank you. I've had it for almost thirty years. BUCKY: How long have you been in St. John Ambulance? CROW: Since 3195, when First Aid support was beginning to come through to the invaded planets. BUCKY: What's your name, by the way? CROW: Comfrey. William Comfrey of St. John Ambulance at Proximis 3. BUCKY turns away, feeling he needn't check any further. He opens up a map of Genus, and pins it to an old blackboard in front of the group. BUCKY: Here are your instructions for tonight. You will be split into several sections, each with a Section Leader appointed from my choice. I will mark on the map where each section must patrol, and what you need to keep your eyes open for. He labels several parts of the map for the different sections. Obviously undecipherable, they are perhaps Aniversian digits. BUCKY flips through several pieces of paper. The references of the Officers. BUCKY: (Reads out aloud) Privates Smith, Mallard and Cleave. Step forward please. Three officers step forward. PRIVATE SMITH, A young Labrador in the uniform of The Auxiliary Fire Service. PRIVATE MALLARD, A four-armed mallard armed with a large sledgehammer and engineers' overalls. And PRIVATE CLEAVE, An elderly panther in a uniform of The Noctur Resistance on Noctur 4, armed with an ageing maser pistol. BUCKY: I want you and Corporal Kingston to make up Section 1. You are to patrol the woods to prevent any Toad Ships from landing. Privates Comfrey, Flare, and Blade will make up Section 2 with Sergeant Linen, who'll patrol The Capital, should any trouble arise. Private Mousekewitz will be in charge of Section 3, with Privates Wilson, Meander, Swan and Peters. You will guard the UAC HQ to prevent anyone entering after curfew. Privates Brown, O' Reilly, McNeil, and Shills will be Section 4, in the Shopping Areas, for anyone that may be shopping out of hours. Privates O' Donnell, Montague, Palm and Pierce will accompany Lieutenant Billon along the coast for any Toad Submarines. The Coastguard will give you assistance. As for the rest of you, I want you to spread yourself around the City and the coast. Should anyone approach, shout "Halt, who goes there?" Then you take down their credentials. A Four-armed grey duck, PRIVATE MONTAGUE, speaks up. MONTAGUE: If it's an enemy submarine, you may have to shout a bit loud. BUCKY: That'll do, Private. To your duties, Fall Out! They are dismissed. PRIVATE MALLARD walks up to BUCKY. MALLARD: (Yorkshire Accent) Have y' got the time, Captain? BUCKY: Certainly. (Glances at his watch) 9:00! MALLARD: Thanks. See you at the Forest. PRIVATE MALLARD walks off. BUCKY is shocked. BUCKY: I promised to help Jenny move some stuff for her! He runs out, almost knocking over PRIVATE COMFREY. SCENE FIVE Jenny's' Apartment BUCKY runs in, tired and out of breath. JENNY looks up from a magazine she's been reading. BUCKY: (Panting) Jenny...I'm so sorry. JENNY: About what? BUCKY: Being...being late. Fritz... JENNY: I know, Fritz made you Head of the Home Guard and you're finding it difficult to place two parts of your life in at the same time. BUCKY: You took the words out of my mouth. JENNY: No need to be upset about that. Besides, now we're alone, I think I'm beginning to reminisce about our graduation. BUCKY: (Sits beside her) Yeah, those were good times. JENNY: Not to mention the surprises a certain young rabbit used to give me. They both smile, as they edge towards one another. Their lips are almost touching, when there is a knock on the door. BUCKY: (To himself) Blast! JENNY: Who is it? SWAN: Private Swan of The Genus Home Guard, miss. Do you know the whereabouts of Captain O' Hare? BUCKY gets up and opens the door. SWAN is a young two-armed goose, in a uniform of St. John Ambulance like Private Comfrey, yet SWANS' uniform is more up to date. BUCKY: What is it, Swan? SWAN: Private Wilson can't find the street where the UAC HQ is, sir. BUCKY: Shh! People may be listening! (Whispering) Turn off this road, Glovers Crescent, and turn onto Trotters Lane. The building should be there. SWAN: Thank you, sir. He walks off. BUCKY shuts the door and sits alongside JENNY. JENNY: Where were we? They begin to move toward one another once more, but much faster this time. The doorbell once more interrupts them. JENNY: Oh! For heavens' sake! Who is it? FLARE: Private Flare of The Genus Home Guard. Can you direct me to the Quarters of Captain O' Hare, milady? BUCKY: I'm here. (Opens the door) What is it? FLARE, being a field mouse, is easily scared by BUCKYS' tone of voice. His uniform is nothing more than casual clothing, with a pickaxe for a weapon. FLARE: Did you say you wanted us in the Capital, sir? Or did you say the coast? BUCKY: You were to patrol the Capital with Sgt. Linen! It was Lt. Billon who was to patrol the coast! FLARE: I'm very sorry, sir. Thanks for your time. He walks off. BUCKY once again sits by JENNY, and they once again try to restore the romantic atmosphere. When the doorbell rings once more, JENNY holds BUCKY back from opening the door. JENNY: Forget it. There's a far more important appointment to make right here. They both exchange a passionate kiss, as the pounding on the door becomes more severe. BILLON: This is Lieutenant Billon of The Genus Home Guard! Open up please! SCENE SIX UAC Officers Bar, Three months later. BUTCH, DOGSTAR, MIMI and JENNY all have a friendly chat, each with a liqueur in front of them. JENNY is the quietest, and barely says a word. BUTCH: So you see, I disagree with the Lopenian teachings. So I left Nharnia and I haven't been back since. DOGSTAR: It's your decision. By the way, where's Bucky? MIMI: He looked really bogged down the other day. (Nudges Jenny) Say, Jenny. Where's your boyfriend? JENNY: I don't know. I haven't seen him since the Home Guard started, three months ago. BUTCH: Here he is, now! Enter BUCKY. His eyes are baggy and droopy through lack of sleep, with his hands trembling from Writers' Cramp. He orders a drink and sits with them. MIMI: Hey there, Buck! (Notices his condition) Sheesh, you look beat. BUCKY: I am. I haven't set foot into my bed for almost a fortnight. BUTCH: How's the Home Guard? BUCKY: Never ask that again. ANNOUNCER: And now, tonight's' special act. May I introduce you al to the Night Clubber of the Cosmos, the Sensational Singer of the Stars. Miss Shirley Squirrel! On stage comes a 21-year-old squirrel, dressed in a glittering, scarlet ball gown, with black gloves and high heels. Some of the men in the bar begin to catcall and cheer. When they've settled down, SHIRLEY begins to sing along to a cool jazz. SHIRLEY: (Sings) You had plenty money in 3022, You let other women make a fool of you, Why don't you do right, Like some other men do? Get outta here. Get me some money too. If you had prepared many years ago, You wouldn't be wandering now from door to door, Why don't you do right, Like some other men do? Get outta here. Get me some money too. Why don't you do right, Like some other men do? The audience begins to applause. As she walks off-stage, SHIRLEY notices BUCKY, still droopy eyed, as he lies fast asleep on the table, with JENNY attempting to revive him. SCENE SEVEN Jenny's Apartment, Late that Night. JENNY is still frustrated that BUCKY hasn't yet been awarded a good nights sleep. There is a knock on the door. JENNY: (Cheers up) Bucky? Enter SHIRLEY SQUIRREL. SHIRLEY: No. I just wanted to see how he was. JENNY: He's still with the Home Guard. I haven't seen him like this since...ever! SHIRLEY: I think I can persuade Chairman Warner to give Bucky a break. JENNY: How? All he'll say is... (Imitating Fritz) "There are no other candidates." SHIRLEY: There's me. JENNY listens closely to what SHIRLEY has to say. JENNY: OK. I'll go along with it. SHIRLEY: Thanks, Jenny. Shall we start, say, 11:00 tomorrow morning? JENNY: Sure. Oh, and Shirley. SHIRLEY: Hmm? JENNY: Thanks. SHIRLEY smiles as she walks out. SCENE EIGHT Sol Avery's Meeting Hall, The Following Morning BUCKY is with PRIVATE SWAN and PRIVATE COMFREY, whom are giving a First Aid Demonstration, with ADMIRAL BLADE for a demonstration. BUCKY is still droopy-eyed, and only coffee appears to be keeping him awake. COMFREY: And then you tuck in this part of the sling so it won't stick out. SWAN: Don't be daft! You're supposed to tie up that part! COMFREY: I'm sure that it is this side that is tucked into the elbow. BLADE: (Tearing off the bandages) Ach! This is ridiculous! If you cannae apply a simple bandage, I dinnae see why we should carry on like this. MISS SHEFFIELD barges in. She is in a terrible state. BUCKY: What's the matter, Miss Sheffield? MISS SHEFFIELD: A Sleazosaur has broken into the UAC building, and is holding Chairman Warner at gunpoint! BUCKY: I'm on it! Private Meander, Private Cleave. Come with me. BUCKY exits with PRIVATE CLEAVE, the elderly panther, and PRIVATE MEANDER, a young, fighting-fit possum. SCENE NINE UAC Headquarters A SLEAZOSAUR has FRITZ in one arm, holding a potato peeler to his throat. Other council members, including GRIFF and COUNCILLOR MOUSKEWITZ are shocked, keeping their distance. SLEAZOSAUR: (Unusually High-Pitched) Any more moves and there'll be plenty of fur carpet to go around. FRITZ: Where's Daffy? SLEAZOSAUR: Ha! Your little ducky friend has had a nice helping of knockout drops with his coffee! Unless you do what I say, you will have a permanent knock out. BUCKY: Not on my watch! Enter BUCKY, MEANDER and CLEAVE. SLEAZOSAUR: (Laughs) You really think that the Home Guard can stop me? CLEAVE: You bet we can! BUCKY: All right, men! I want...I want Lt. Billon with Section 5 to patrol along the pier. MEANDER: Are you OK, sir? SLEAZOSAUR: (Laughs) Everyone knows that the mind can be easily scrambled through lack of sleep! Your captain doesn't even know what he's saying, all because his troops wouldn't let him set foot into bed! CLEAVE: At least we were fully trained! He tries to open fire; his gun isn't loaded. MEANDER does the same; both guns are virtually dead. SLEAZOSAUR: Looking for these? (Holds up power cells in other hand) You should be more careful with your weapons! SHIRLEY: Not while I'm here! From behind, SHIRLEY knocks the SLEAZOSAUR over the head with her maser pistol. As the SLEAZOSAUR falls to the ground, FRITZ is released, with the potato peeler landing on the Board Room desk, just inches away from FIEVELS' head. FRITZ: Shirley Squirrel? Did you do that? SHIRLEY: Yes. I guess working long hours in the bar finally paid off. GRIFF: You saved Chairman Warner's life! Is there any way possible we can repay you? SHIRLEY: Give Captain O' Hare his old job back. FRITZ: But who'll fill in for the Home Guard. SHIRLEY clears her throat. FRITZ smiles. CLEAVE and MEANDER drag BUCKY out, while the SLEAZOSAUR gets up. His scaly, purple skin dissolves into white fur, as he transforms into JENNY. JENNY: Well, at least Bucky can finally get some rest at last. SHIRLEY: Yep. (Turns to Fritz) Thanks for going along with the plan. FRITZ: No problem, I did see his condition in the bar last night. I guess you've earned yourself a proper job. He hands her a brownish-green suit of a Home Guard Captain. FRITZ: Here, you've earned it. SCENE TEN Sol Avery's Meeting Hall, Four Weeks later The Home Guard is now in proper uniform. CORPORAL KINGSTON has a uniform of a Corporal. LT. BILLON is out of the ranks, and with CAPTAIN SHIRLEY SQUIRREL. PRIVATES COMFREY and SWAN now have armbands on their uniform, depicting the Maltese Cross of St. John. SGT. LINEN, a middle aged badger, is in a uniform of a Sergeant. Others are in simple privates' uniforms. SHIRLEY: Splendid turnout, men. You all have your instructions for tonight. Is that clear? ALL: Yes, Captain Squirrel! SHIRELY: Good. Chairman Warner will shortly be making an announcement on the radio in two minutes time. I want you all to listen very carefully. LT, BILLON, An old aged pelican, activates an antique wireless radio from a table on the far side of the hall. FRITZ'S voice echoes around the hall as he speaks. FRITZ: (On wireless) Those who wish to give service to the nation through helping victims of bombing raids may do so now. Any person of any age will now be permitted to join the Air Raid Precautions, to ensure the safety of the people of Genus. The ARP will be under the command of space hero, Captain Bucky O' Hare. To join, simply sign in your name at posts, which have been marked across the Capital. SHIRLEY groans, as a SINGER on the radio begins to sing "A Special something for The Genus Home Guard" SINGER: (Sings) Who do you think you're kidding Mr. KOMPLEX, If you think we're on the run, We are the boys who'll stop your little game We are the boys who'll make you think again And who do you think you're kidding Mr. KOMPLEX, If you think old Genus is done? Private Brown goes off to Town on Space Route 21, But he comes home each evening and is ready with his gun So who do you think you're kidding Mr. KOMPLEX, If you think old Genus is done. THE END